There was one time in Newcastle that I went to consult with a psychologist. I felt so wrecked at that time that I needed to sort out my emotions to clear my head, and to get better at finishing my thesis. It was the only reason why I was there.
This year, I feel the wreckage coming at me again. Usually, I know it. I know when something might come up and threaten my emotional state. And usually, I know myself enough to predict whether I could withstand the threat or not. I could withstand the pressure from school, now that I have two years of experience of being oppressed as a medical student. I could get emotionally ready when I know I will be scolded by somebody who has full authority in controlling my grades. But when it concerns him, I could never be ready. I always fall apart.
Like I recently did, again.
Right now, I feel another gaping hole that is too wide to be filled up again, even if he would ever return to his old self. By saying 'his old self', I doubt whether his old self was his true self. Cause obviously, he has been hiding all the negative emotions he had towards me. And now they fill up all corners of my life and I'm suffocating. Now it's hard to believe that everything will be as happy as it once was. Was he ever truly happy with me, I wonder? Was he ever proud of having me by his side?
I don't want to go over those questions anymore and sulk at night. I know I have spent a significant time asking questions to myself that I'll never be able to answer, or simply too scared to accept them.