11.12.2018

I felt an abundance of joy hearing him snore through the phone tonight. It made me wanna snuggle in his arms.

11.11.2018

I couldn't figure out why he asked me to go to a wedding with him today. But I decided I wouldn't contemplate about that much longer, because I'm so happy that he did that. Even though he asked me at the last minute. I was eating with Fadhilah and then I went home. I was thinking about what to wear during the frustratingly long train ride home, but I couldn't decide because I knew most of my clothes for special occasions were still wrapped tightly in plastic somewhere in the closet room. When I finally got home, I cleaned up, showered and put on my make up in such a hurry. And only wearing my bra and undies I rummaged through the closet to look for a one-piece appropriate dress/kebaya that was clean and did not need ironing (because there was no time to do so). I put everything in bed and eventually I managed to find one that was suitable, and before I put it on I ordered a Gojek.

But it was a good night for me. I hope it was for him too. He also gave me a ride home, of which was truly unnecessary but had me felt so grateful.

Now I have to clean up all of these outfits on my bed (and floor).

11.09.2018

He called to genuinely support me for tomorrow. And it's something more than enough to get me to sleep tonight.

11.08.2018

Guns n Roses concert and my UKMPPD exam are two important life events that will only remind me of heartbreak.

11.03.2018


Too much memories of him collected in this place.

It was where he saw me and I met him the first time.
It was where he picked me up the first time with his black e30 BMW, him wearing his IMPI jacket and his car smelling like gum.
It was where I attended 'eksplorasi' one time and stole glances at him.
It was the place where I wanted to go to every time I had the chance in his uni days, because I wanted to see and spend time with him more often, even though at that time I was so slow at discovering this fact.
It was where he took me on a campus tour in his car while listening to Endah n Rhesa and Payung Teduh songs, and I remember at that particular moment, that I didn't care about the campus, that I just wanted to hear him talk.
It was where he taught me how to ride on a cruiser.
It was where we did song covers, in the middle of rain amongst the greens.
It was there at Teksas bridge, where I waited for him one night to take me out to eat at Hayam Wuruk before we were officially together.
It was where he attended a medical seminar held by TBM just because I was one of the committees and I asked him to, even though I broke his heart the night before it.
It was where he used to jog at dawn, and me waiting for his call afterwards.
It is the place he once told me, that he would definitely take his kid there one day, and I imagined it since then that it was gonna be our kid.
Not far from there, was the place where he embraced me in his arms. And it felt so right that I didn't feel like I deserve it.

It is a place that will always remind me, he has a special place in my heart.
And even if he doesn't want to end up with me anymore, I can see myself taking my own kids or grandkids to this place one day, and tell them about the guy I fell in love with so hard,
Because this place, the scent after the rain, the sight of the tall green trees, and the neat roads, they will provoke memories and my feelings for him, even if I get Alzheimers.

And even at this moment, I would run to him just because I needed to see him again and again.
Even at this moment, I love him with all of my aching heart.

11.02.2018

"I eventually believed that you only like the idea of me being with you at this given moment, because you were happy when I was there, but you're not really interested / thoughtful about what makes me happy."

And I thought, all this time, us being together was enough to make him happy. How naive of me to think that my mere presence would give him content. All this time, I'm the only person who has been genuinely happy and he has quietly been depressed. He has only been pretending to be happy. I should have known that nothing good will come out of my strong attempt in convincing him that I wasn't going anywhere anymore, I should have known he would never get over the past incident. Every effort has gone to waste.

Tonight I'm that pathetic girl again, crying for a person who doesn't deserve my tears.

11.01.2018



*Sajaknya ibu Sri Mulyani-Menkeu*




Pada kamu yang malam tadi berdebat dengan istri. Merasa lelah mendengar keluhannya yang tak henti. Membawa kesal itu dalam tidurmu, sehingga emosi belum reda pagi ini..




Berpelukanlah sebelum pamit berangkat kerja nanti.




Karena bisa jadi,

Inilah waktumu melihatnya terakhir kali..




Pada kamu yang akhir akhir ini merasa hidup berat sekali. Kelelahan mengurus rumah sendiri, tumpuk setrikaan tanpa henti, kepusingan mengatur tagihan yang datang bertubi. Lalu diam diam, kau rutuki karir suamimu yang tidak juga naik posisi...




Sambutlah ia ketika pulang nanti.




Katakan betapa bersyukurnya memiliki suami yang senantiasa bekerja keras dan menjaga kehalalan gaji. Ucapkan terimakasih dengan tulus hati.




Kau tidak pernah tahu,

Bisa jadi untuk melakukannya esok, kau tak lagi punya waktu..




Pada kamu yang hari ini merasa pusing mendengar berisiknya anak di rumah. Padahal sepulang dari kantor mata rasanya hanya ingin terpejam dan badan butuh rebah. Lalu diam diam, kau simpan itu menjadi emosi marah..




Tersenyumlah lebar buat mereka hari ini.

Saat hendak pergi, dan saat nanti pulang kembali.




Luangkan waktu untuk menatap wajah mungil itu yang bercerita riang tentang hari harinya padamu. Dengarkan intonasi suaranya. Rekam baik baik binar mata dan ekspresi mereka.




Karena sungguh bukan sebuah ketidakmungkinan,

Besok lusa tak ada lagi kesempatan..




**




Kebersamaan menahun seringkali membuat kita lebih mudah mendeteksi kekurangan, daripada menemukan kebaikan.




Lebih lancar memberi kritik, daripada memberi apresiasi.




Lebih cenderung mengeluh. Dan lupa mensyukuri satu sama lain.




Padahal kita tidak pernah tahu kapan kebersamaan ini akan berhenti. Bisa jadi hari ini. Bisa jadi besok. Bisa jadi sebentar lagi.




Hargai setiap momen yang kita punya saat ini.




Minta maaf selagi bisa.




Berterimakasih selagi masih ada waktu.




Bercanda, berbincang, tertawa..., selagi kesempatan masih ada.




Berpelukanlah.




Selagi hangat tubuhnya masih bisa dirasa.




**




Deep condolence untuk seluruh awak dan penumpang Lion Air JT610..




Yang diantaranya ada seorang Ayah, yang pagi kemarin baru saja pamit bekerja setelah menghabiskan weekendnya untuk mengunjungi anak istri yang tinggal di Jakarta. Melepas rindu setelah sepekan tak bertemu.




Ada juga seorang Ibu yang semalam masih bercanda dengan putri kesayangannya. Menemaninya tidur. Lalu paginya berangkat untuk dinas luar kota. Bekerja. Menjemput pahala.




Dan ada pula seorang lelaki yang baru menikah dua hari. Kemarin pagi mengecup istrinya di bandara. Mesra. Sembari meminta doa. Sebelum terbang mencari nafkah pertamanya.




***




Kita betul betul gak pernah tau.




Bisa jadi salam yang kita berikan hari ini, adalah salam terakhir buat orang orang tercinta.




Lakukanlah selagi bisa....




***




I found this message in my big family group whatsapp, where they usually spread hoaxes. But this one is appropriate and important enough to be saved, for my future reference..

10.30.2018

There is not a day that goes by without him crossing my mind.

I walked through the hospital corridor and imagined him walking pass by me at any time. Just the mere thought of it pumped my heartbeat.

I thought about that one time when he called me his nata de coco. It excited me so much. It occurred to me today, if one day he would give me another chance to show him my affection, I would call him my grass jelly.

10.29.2018

A plane in Indonesia went missing today. I don't know why cases like this send me shivers. Maybe because statistics show that it is the safest way of transportation, yet once it happens, they couldn't even discover a whole plane. Ninty-nine percent gone, and what remains is insignificant cracks of the plane and passengers' belongings.

When I hear horrible news like this, I tend to look up for the victims' profiles. I look at their photos, find out the reason why they were on the plane, and read the messages from their family and friends on social media, praying for their survival. It must be terrifying and devastating, to be in a state where you don't know your loved one is alive or dead. I can't imagine waking up another day, taking the train to the hospital, joking with my friends, practicing questions for my exam, doing everything I habitually do and at the same time not knowing the person I love is dead or alive.

Right now, these families and friends must be longing to meet those passengers. To tell them they love them, they forgive their mistakes, and hold them tighter as if they knew these people they loved might be taken away any day.

10.28.2018

25/10/2018

I thought finally confessing my feelings to him was the last thing I could do, even if it was too late, even if it was in the middle of chaos.

But I will always remember the night when I was harshly convinced, that love is self-destructive.

I will always remember the evening I spent studying with some of my friends and finding myself only thinking about him over and over again. Till I made up my mind that for one last time I should fight for what I love. I left them wondering what madness gotten into my mind and confidently headed to the train station.

While waiting for the train, I thought carefully about what I would say, I thought I would say it whole heartedly, it was what I was feeling anyways, I should have stayed saying it from the beginning. I thought how I would look into his eyes and pierce the words into his heart, and there was no way he would not believe in the words I confess.

I took a ride to his place, arriving only to find out he did not answer my calls. The owner of the place even noticed my presence outside of the house and insisted that I should get inside even though internally I felt my confidence was beginning to shatter.

He woke up. His eyes refusing to meet mine. My sudden appearance didn’t seem to bewilder him, nor bother him. I should have realized that my presence did not matter to him anymore like how it used to and walked away as soon as I could, but in my naive mind, love is something you fight for and it requires courage to do so. He was love, he was worthy.

I decided I’d just say it without anymore delay. But all of his cold words and rigid gesture say that he did not want me there, he certainly did not wish to hear my words. Upon this, the reality hit my chest like a bullet, that all that I have willingly sacrificed, including my time, was completely in vain. And that I have been a foolish person for realizing this too late. I have always fallen in love with the wrong person.

That night, I walked out of his place and I stopped in front of one of the houses. Overwhelmed with pain, I sat on my knees and bursted into tears and struggled to breathe to the point of exhaustion for a good half an hour, and I repeatedly said to myself, how stupid of me to let myself feel humiliated under the name of love.

*

Its not my fault if the other person doesn’t care,
Its not my fault if they found out they suddenly couldn’t deal with the hurt,
It’s not my fault especially, when I have tried my best to convince them I wasn’t going anywhere,
Not my fault if they choose to stick to their dark thoughts and refuse to walk into the light

Even if it breaks my heart, it does not ever mean that the fault is mine.
And apologizing after doing everything I thought I could do is one thing I should never ever do.
I will not let myself be humiliated, ever again.