7.08.2018

For the past couple of years, he has never looked at me in the eye, until two days ago.

Maybe it's just my ugly thought, but it wasn't a loving look to me, it was more of a wonder, perhaps he was looking for anything special in me that would be worth holding on to in this mess.

But of course, there's nothing.

I think I have been honest from the first place.

I had declared that there is nothing special about me to unravel.
I had declared that I can only trust someone fully when he becomes my husband. 

I should not be surprised then, when eventually he couldn't tolerate my stubbornness.

6.23.2018

Capek dan stres.

Kedua kata itu benar-benar mendeskripsikan apa yang gw rasain saat ini, secara mental maupun fisik.

Sekalipun sekarang gw berbaring di atas kasur gw, sendirian di apartemen, dalam keadaan gelap dan sunyi, gw masih merasakan capek dan lelah.

6.21.2018

At this very night, while I have many things I'm ought to think about and every reason to feel angry, all that is occupying my mind is him.

How much I really miss him.

Even when I know he doesn't think about me as obsessively as I do. And wouldn't sacrifice his time and energy literally anytime like I would. I still miss him, and I feel like an idiot.

Its downright pathetic to reminisce the sweet moments we've had, at the same time thinking that I'll never be the girl he would unquestionably and straightforwardly choose to take photos of under any stupid lighting. Maybe I don't look as beautiful or photogenic under any lighting (then again, modeling has never been a natural practice for me). Fifty shades of ugliness. Still, how much it makes me so insecure is still very irritating, like a mix between frustration and desperation.

I wish I could let go of this whole insecurity business, but its holding on to me like a small stupid invisible ant crawling all over my skin and stubbornly clinging despite me trying to shake it off my body.

6.20.2018

I'm too free to write about stuff here and there for the time being, and it feels great.

Kind of makes me feel a bit guilty, because deep in my mind I know I should probably be reading/writing something medical, and that finding joy in writing something non-medical would throw all that 7 years of studying to waste.

But I'm going back to studying anyways after this rare holiday break is over. So, might as well enjoy this my way while it lasts. Think of it as a way to prevent burn-out. Yep.

I will be talking about something random. Still on the topic of writing, I have discovered that its currently the only successful means to release my ugly thoughts, plus understand them, perhaps not effectively though.

See, the reason why I get mad when he's gone too long is because I think that he does not understand the concept of time. Especially the time we both have. I think every minute of being able to talk to him matters, every word of sharing, every second spent together is worth it. I have felt this the moment I realized I enjoy going out together. To me, it still feels just as lonely when he dropped me off at cempaka putih some years ago and me at Rawa Buntu station leaving from bsd to Jakarta (this is even lonelier because time spent with him on the road is much much much less).

And it ticks me off even more when I realize that if he didn't understand this concept, then its likely he doesn't think about it as I do, or how badly he wants to spend time with me. Back then, there wasn't a night that passed without each of us knowing how the other person spent the day.

Now he just goes to bed, probably without even wondering what pissed me off today.

I guess I should have believed from the start, that passion wears off, that it does have an expiry date. This really makes me more sad than angry.

And now I'm reading Park & Eleanor, and every chapter just reminds me how falling in love was like. Park & Eleanor just don't realize it yet, how eventually the other person just gets sick of it and wouldn't bother making you feel that special anymore.

Sometimes I think it's better to be all alone your whole life, than to get the chance know love and be left ignored.

6.19.2018

Stop looking for him.

If he was worried about her, he'd ask.
If he wanted to be around, he'd be there.

But it's hard to persist with this thought when she need him.
And if she showed him how much she needed him,
He'd run away.
Its a good thing my life under this house is temporary. If I stayed any longer, sometimes I feel like I could die of overdosed negativity.

Today I received an Eid cake from a friend (who was Chinese, and did not even celebrate the occasion). Two years ago, maybe I wouldn't call her a friend, but just a colleague. But lately, we have been through rough times together during koas life, of which I'm pretty damn sure no one would understand the intense of difficulty and stress but her. But all the members of the family (except my core family, thankfully), were being so skeptical about the gesture. I sighed too much today because of it, because I wished to exhale all that skepticism and bitterness and just feel joy and grateful, and feel bad about how these people couldn't appreciate be thankful of a nice simple gesture.

6.10.2018

Grains of Sand

Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you Replaying beautiful memories, as if eternal..

Warming up your hand and tingling your jaw
Convincing you he's coming back

Like tightly grasping grains of sand
And grain by grain they slip off my hand


5.16.2018

I'm currently doing my shift at a clinic at UI Depok. It's a really nice clinic, it makes me wanna have one myself.

They gave me a vacant consultation room where I'm free to examine patients on my own, they have even supplied the neccessary equipments so I did not even have to bring my own (except my stethoscope, but that's because I do not trust any other stethoscopes). It's like playing doctor. It felt like this because on my first day, when the first patient came in, I had to act like a doctor even though my mind was chaos. I felt like I was not ready for it because I kept forgetting what I had studied. And it seemed like running away was the best solution at the time, because it was better to not be there than not being able to give proper help.

I struggled with writing prescriptions because there was no way I could recall the dosage of medications, and I did not have much time to learn what drugs were available at the clinic's pharmacy. Thankfully, all the people at the clinic were so kind-hearted and cooperative. I'm talking about the doctors, the nurses, the technicians, the people in the lab, the receptionists, and in particular, the pharmacists. The first struggle I had with writing a prescription was when my patient asked for a vitamin. The only two commercially available vitamins that I was aware of were Centrum (which was hella expensive, and of course, I was highly confident they did not have it stored) and Ester-C (which did not seem fit for this patient, who was slightly anemic). So, I had to come down to the pharmacy to take a look at my options, and it became a habit. And relievingly, every time I came around at the pharmacy, the pharmacists did not mind at all. If anything, they were always helpful. I am always grateful when I encounter good people.

I had quite an interesting day at the clinic today.

Early in the morning, my first patient was a male uni student (who coincidentally took the same major as Afdal). He complained of itching around his crotch. I had to take a look at it, but remembering the ethical theories of examining an opposite sex's genitalia, I felt obliged to ask my supervisor to be present as the third person in the room. When I examined it, I knew what it was, and that it was treatable. However, his crotch was all covered in powder (which he applied to relieve the itchiness), so my supervisor asked me to wipe it clean using an alcohol swab. So, yeah, that was my first assignment that morning: cleaning a person's crotch. What's more awkward (for him, but not for me), that same afternoon, I went to eat lunch at the faculty of engineering, and he was coincidentally eating there too. I avoided any eye contact to save his embarassment of course.

Throughout the examination, I am relieved to realize that I had not come up with any dirty thoughts (this was my first independent crotch examination, so I had to evaluate my thoughts). It wasn't due to the fact that I was aware of a third person in the room, but because I genuinely was not affected, and that I was entirely focused on this patient's health. If I felt any slight of interest, it was more because it was my first time seeing a real-time penis (and it wasn't from an exhibitionist). My relationship with a patient starts to feel like.. I was gonna say 'sacred', but no, that's not the right word to describe it. More like, I need to make the person to feel comfortable enough to open up (like, literally), but also keep maintaining professionalism by setting boundaries and being politely strict. I personally think it's a hard task, but that's a principle I'm holding on to.

Later in the afternoon, I received a foreign patient. He turned out to be French. He was also a uni student, and his complaint was blood in his urine. It was a pretty typical case of urolithiasis, but I was able to practice my French too. Oh, and he had this typical French moustache.... which was hilarious to me, really.

Throughout medical school, I never got the chance to get a hold of an STD (Sexually-Transmitted Disease) case, but today, I finally got the chance. He was my last patient for the day. A 22 years old male, complaining of sore throat and difficulty swallowing since more or less a week, there was no fever. I kind of expected that it was just an acute respiratory infection, but the thing is, there weren't even symptoms of coughing and runny nose. I was pretty clueless at this point (I always aimed to already have a diagnosis in mind before physically examining the patient), until I finally did a physical examination. And behold, I found unordinary white lesions on his pharynx. This definitely excluded the respiratory tract infection. Afterwards, I asked him about his last sexual intercourse, and he admitted that the most recent one was around last week. I asked if it was oral, and he said yes. I asked if it was with another male or female (by maintaing neutral expression, of course), and he answered 'female'. Then a couple of minutes later, he hesitated by saying, 'wait, doc, did you mean like I was the one giving oral? Or I was being given oral?' and I confirmed the former one. Then he retracted his saying, 'Oh, no, doc. I did not give any oral within this week'. I was internally becoming frustrated because I felt like he just did not want to admit. It was time to act strict by saying, 'Listen ya Mas, I'm suspecting that this is caused by either bacterial or fungal infection that is transmitted through sexual intercourse, both have different treatment approach, and if you want to get a targeted treatment to be cured, I need you to give me full information. So I'm gonna ask once again, did you yourself perform any oral sex on someone, regardless of the timeframe?', then he finally said, 'yes'. He also claimed that he was married, but when I asked about the marriage in detail, his fnal answer was, 'we did not exactly get married legally, it was more of a religious bond.' I really wanted to roll my eyes.

It is out of question that, as doctors, we should not be judgmental about how our patients choose to live their life. But it's really difficult to do that, especially in Indonesia. In the western world, people are adopting liberal lifestyle, but most of them are well-educated. They know the risks of their choice of way of life and they know how to protect themselves. But in this country, it feels like these people are just reckless.

5.13.2018

All my life, I just wanted a person to prove to me that I'm worth it. In ways that would crush my stubbornness and my insecurity. And make me believe that he will never act stupid and hurt me deliberately.

But at this point, I realize that the stubbornness and insecurity come from within me. I realize that whatever attempt a person does to melt them down, I will remain this way. Perhaps this whole time, I have subconsciously been aware that you can never, ever, control someone's behavior or how things turn out and that every relationship has risks. There are risks of him cheating on me, leaving me for another person, boredom, and I even thought, amnesia (God forbid). Imagining these complications just overwhelm me sometimes, because simply they are just too awful and painful to happen. I think about how married people still find a way to work things out and stick together, even though one of them has had an affair. Internalizing these images that have not even taken place yet has led me to build a protective shield against the person who has been trying to show his love to me for five years, and I have unfortunately realized this a little too late because that shield has been hurting him countless times. And it's just reasonable that everyone has a certain point of tolerance, and I'm sure he has reached his.

Other than bearing with the fact that he's deeply hurt, another hard task is lifting that shield. Now that I have learned the triggers and become aware of what thoughts to avoid, I should do better. I should have done this long time ago, because it would have been easier if he was there for me, still showing how much he wanted me. I have this huge fear that one day he would get tired of me and decides to give up on me, but I need to take time to really convince myself that it is not happening until he says so, and that even if he ditches, it is likely that I will never find someone like him and it will be excruciatingly painful, but I will still be alive and I'll survive it. I can still become a doctor, perhaps fly to a deserted place somewhere in the globe where they need medical care and become a field doctor.

My insecurity originates from how I have such low self-esteem. I know I can act tough and confident, I can handle stage fright very well and I can hide my fear when I face an attending at the hospital. It's mainly because I'm aware that the audience do not know me, and most likely will never know me. Therefore, they won't get a chance to learn about my secrets and my weaknesses. It's harder to be genuinely confident when you're with somebody who knows how broken you are, because there is no need to act tough anymore, and all that is left in me is my broken bits. Now, I know I need to construct these bits. I need to invest in myself to prove that I'm worthy (it's probably the most likely reason for me to have been looking for jobs now). I have planned to invest in my physical strength by working out at least 15 minutes everyday and my mind by reading at least 5 pages of medical emergency procedures everyday before going to sleep. I will also try to be more active socially (I still can't figure out the best method for this, but I'll eventually will), because its possible that I'm lonely.

All this, I will try to do, at the same time making sure to show him how much he matters to me.

I can imagine already how hard it's going to be. But I've already started, and I should continue and hope that something good comes out of this.

2.04.2018

I think it's a fatal mistake to be too infatuated with someone so deeply when they are more infatuated with themselves.