2011's coming soon. And so that means, I'm getting bloody older by January. And it also means, 2010 is gonna be over *D'OH*. Gosh, this year's been like hell. Well, maybe for some months. I can't have possibly been frowning throughout the whole year. I guess the turning point was when four of my best friends flew back to Indonesia. But I think I got over that already. Thanks to some good people and my good self for taking the courage to overcome the loneliness. It all starts within you, don't they say so?

Okay, let's catch up with my not-so-interesting life. I don't know who reads this, except probably myself, after approximately 5 months, to see my life's progress. And I end up saying, "Ah well..".

A month ago, mom went to Indonesia with my brother and my sister. My dad flew back too, as usual every year, to work on an annual trading exhibition. But then he came back soon cuz his furlough was over. During those times without the presence of my mother, I learned how to cook (with extreme difficulties), how to wear proper clothes without my mom's fault-finding comments, how to manage time (even though I haven't completely mastered this one yet), how to wake up early without being shout at, how to take care of the house, how to commit sins knowing that no one's witnessing (okay you may scratch this one), and may more how-tos. Basically, I started to live independently.
Anyways, they're all back now bringing a new family individual. Yes, my mom's pregnant again.

Since I'm sitting at the last year of school *rolls eyes-still can't believe how time flies*, I'm beginning to face the college dilemma, every teenager's problem before getting on to the next major level. Exactly, the major. My parents want me to be a doctor. My math teacher wants me to be an architect. My Guru Bahasa Indonesia wants me to take philology. And myself has no idea on what to pick. I'm not even given the space to comment. I know they mean well, though, they do have the rights to provide directions. But am I not allowed to let my teeny tiny heart raise a squeaky voice? Of course I'm allowed. But my teeny tiny heart doesn't even know what field she's most interested in. Well, I am interested in medicine, except to satisfy my parents' wish, I'd like to be a pediatrician, cuz it also involves child psychology. The problem is that I'm aware that the faculty of medicine needs brilliant geeks with strong mentality and not be terrified of blood and corpses. What the shit I don't think I fit in with the category. But I'm quite sure that I'll willingly pass all of that along the tough road, just to fulfill my parents' hope.

I was, attracted by architecture. The whole idea seems nice and challenging. Despite the cost of the tools. Creativity is urgent. I can't even create a boat out of a paper. Meanwhile, philology sounds interesting too. But I don't think I wanna spend the rest of my life translating Bahasa Melayu.

Maybe the only solution is to get married young? Nah.

Oh right, about that. No, I'm not getting married to any rich man. Nor a penniless one. But I am a loser who's in love, with a loser who fell in love with a demanding loser like me. And I guess we're settled in being romantic losers.

Thanks for loving me at my worst.

Oh, before I forget, merry christmas and a happy new year! *sings Jingle Bells*


I feel like typing something in here, but not sure what is there to say.

Idul Adha holiday is over now. There's school tomorrow and there's chemistry quiz coming up too, probably. But I don't know... I don't feel like reading through chemical stuff.
But I'm kind of excited about school tomorrow, even though I haven't been opening my books for awhile now. I guess staying at home just bores me to death (under circumstances of my mom and my siblings are currently in Indonesia) that being at school sounds a lot more fun.

I guess that's all there is to say.



I'm gonna write about yesterday. Cuz simply, lots of great and major things happened. Conveniently, it was the first day of Eid El-Adha (or more known as, festival of sacrifice).

All the students at our school gathered their money to afford two goats. The sacrifice was held right on one day after the occasion. I wish I had the pictures but I was too lazy to bring my DSLR camera. It's heavy and I was afraid that the blood would drop all over it. (Hyper, I know).
We had decided that this major plan should be held at our own school, with some of the teachers too to help us, and the cooking would be taken care by the girls.
But the cooking part turned so complicated that the wives of the teachers also came to assist us in mixing the spices and stuff. It was more intricate than we had thought it would be. But all in all, the cooking was a good experience. And I'm really grateful to those people who teached us to be improved (or still amateur?) cooks.

After all the meals are fit for human consumption and the place looked bloodless and neat, we invited the ambassador, his staff and the parents. It was pleasant. Our headmaster's speech was encouraging, and the ambassador's was inspirational. I learned tons of things about life that day.

Now here comes the most extremely fun part.

After all the guests have gone home, we started cleaning literally everything. Starting from the dirty dishes, till mopping the floor of the playground. The cleaning process took 2 hours, ended at 11 PM. The result, as you may guess, (except for the fact our entire clothes were soaking wet), the place looked spotless. And no scent of goat corpse reeked anymore.

It was undoubtedly a priceless experience that I'm positive none of us would dream to forget.

Again, I wish I had the photos.



Sometimes I just feel like xrdcfvkhnalfkjamlfajlcjlaksjmvlakeviufmleamaflnblajkr;nalrsaehfvaklshdfklvhenflksrinfkshfansrkfhkasrjfhkasjlvhrkfnr bnalsiflsirflamirfjmlaisrmfivmjisanfvljarlkfjsla;rfjnvsjlkfjlrkjf;alsjra;lkjrls;kajfl;jnlirsjf.

Ohhhhhh why can't people listen? Even to their loved ones?




I missed Sumpah Pemuda ceremony. One of our most important national ceremonies.
I missed math revision.
I missed Bahasa Indonesia extra class.
I missed my friends' performance for a certain competition.

How long till I realize, that time is money..
How long till I realize, the wrong things I'm doing..



Sometimes, chocolates and blue manicures are enough to make me happy.



You with your new green shirt,
and me,
in our seventies,
dancing with alphabet music,
which you're singing,
in front of the city view,
at a cold and windy night,
just like 50 years ago.



You can try several attempts to appear tremendously beautiful like a goddess, so beautiful that even when you're sweating like a pig it doesn't lessen your exquisiteness. But that splendor mask of yours will appear as a cobra facade, if your external divine doesn't reflect your cold heart.

Personal experience.



1. Listen to my complains, without interrupting.
2. Calm me whenever I feel insecure.
3. My family know how much they mean to me.
4. Improve my ugly grades.
5. I sing one song, and not ruin it.
6. I spend one day without having a fake smile.
7. Scholarship in Singapore/Australia.
8. Understand the nature of physics.
9. Stop being addicted to the computer.
10. A better person.



Yes, I'm still alive and breathing healthily.

So many things happened throughout the months, from August till October. And I'm not sure if I can rewrite the incidents.

I never realized that from making the correct decision, would hurt so bad. It's like there's this deep hole inside my heart.
It started when I decided to tell you to stay away. And became worse when I accidentally dropped a plate in the kitchen. And reached the worst climate when I lost my mother's Calvin Klein sunglasses.

How can falling in love with a flawless guy like you, making me feel so blind towards everything.. Everything.. becomes so simple..with you around. And now that you're not beside me, although, I know you'd still be willing to stand beside me, everything feels heavy.



For these past two weeks, I realized that I've got three precious things in my (was pathetic) life. Their presence and their encouragement are the main reasons why I'm still enjoying life, striving to accomplish things that will make them proud of me and keeping my own sanity.


I know I've been down since half of my best friends here in Egypt left for Indonesia. But time heals. And I've become conscious of the people around me, who aren't giving less care than the ones who have left. They may be different people, but as long as they still accept me as a friend, then why can't I just go and have fun with them instead of secluding myself at home and do nothing?
So, I give up. Even though sometimes I still feel strange with them. But then again, strangers are friends whom you haven't met yet.

I still can't understand what love is. But i know I've found one. At least, I found someone who loves me genuinely, so different from the former ones. One of the things I learned from him is that, love doesn't want anything in return.
I know when a guy says "I love you,", somewhere in his heart he expects the girl to say, "I love you too,". And I wonder, do we always have to follow tradition? Honestly, I'd rather say "thank you," than to say that I love him back just to complete the romantic scene without meaning the word wholeheartedly.
But believe me, this one is so different. I'm trapped between "i love you too" and "thank you". So, instead, I became honest and said, "I don't know what to say,". He simply smiled authentically and nearly made my heart melt, and replied, "you don't have to say anything,".
I know, I'm stupid. But whatever, I know he's the truest love, right in the bull's eye. I just know. And I know that even if we're separated by numerous obstacles, nothing can change the way he feels.
I wonder what did I do good to deserve a sweet saint from God? I must've saved someone's life involuntarily. Alhamdulilah.

My family's happiness have become my first priority since I was born bald. They're everything. Simply, everything.
In the past days, we've been having rows at home. But it ended peacefully last night, with open minds and negotiations. They're worried about my social life, and the soon university of my choice as well. I'm worried too. But I'm trying to figure it out here. I'm not staying idle. I'm building connections, digging for information on scholarships and detecting my ultimate interest to finally decide a Goddamn faculty. (I have no idea why I curse everytime I talk about this, maybe I've reached the climate level of frustration).
But I will make it straight, I will decide, I will choose. I'm seventeen afterall, I'll learn to grow up. With the help from my friends, my... soulmate, I guess? And my parents.



Life is full of ups and downs.
I guess that explains it. Cuz in the last post I seemed so out of control. Maybe it seems to me that way cuz right now I'm blossomed with happiness. I guess to be perfectly happy, you've gotta get all your frustrations out, huh?

So anyway, this day had been such an incredibly fantastic day. It wasn't major, but it brought me bliss.
I went to my best friend's apartment. And I enjoyed myself playing with his lil siblings. And that was all.
Pretty simple, but I've never felt this happy before since my other best friends have gone abroad.


I've made peace with my parents now. So there're now wars going on inside the house and I'm really trying not to create one. But my lil brother is still being a devilish satan. I can't reason with him. And sometimes I don't wanna reason with him.


I'm thinking about college now. I mean, next year, insyaAllah, I'll graduate and where do I go? My parents have decided to send me to Singapore. But what university? What faculty? Will I get a part-time job? Where will I live? I'm starting to get panic but it'd be pointless if I kept being paranoid and do nothing.
I wanna work in a bank, or an office. At least a place where you can make coffees, except in cafes or restaurants. I'm not really good at holding trays.
So, yeah. If any of you guys are reading this and have any information about the college life in Singapore, please help this poor little girl with your simplest instructions and informations. I'll really appreciate it if you do.


Maybe I should let my feelings flow, let it all out.

You keep the air in my lungs
floating along as the melody comes
and my heart beats like timpani drums
keeping the time while a symphony strums

[Yellowcard - How I Go]



I know, the title is quite vulgar. But it's the fact, and this is my blog. I can write whatever the hell I want. And curse as much as I want.

I think I'm angry right now. I'm full of rage.
I hate being at home. My parents are constantly whining with their annoying high pitches. It's always started by my mom, though. Every time she wants to get mad, the whole world has to get mad too. The worst part is that I couldn't debate with her, I might blow up and shout out filthy and disrespectful words. I mean, no matter how much she pisses me off, she's still my mom. I just have to pull my own hair.
Then comes dad, who'd get mad too when mom is being lunatic. Cuz they're both soulmates and they have soul connection. So, if one of them gets mad, the other one gets mad too. Perfect.
Then there's my imbecile brother. To hell with him, I can't even stand talking about him here. I might smash the keyboard out of resentment.
The only one who's sane at home is my innocent little baby sister, she could cry a number of times without making my blood boil. Except the fact that she hardly cries, she's just so calm and beautiful. I guess God sent her for us as an angel who would keep us being alive, away from suicide, just to escape from this miserable life.

I really sound like a teenager who's in her puberty stage. I'm seventeen, god damn it. I should grow up. But it's difficult growing up, even literally. It's hard to be all mature, be decisive, be smart, to think first before act, gain weight, get taller, and other fucking stuff. Besides, I can't grow up when my parents are being critical about it. I will grow up if you let me, mom and dad. I promise I fucking will.



Art Exam
My class, which consisted of only seven retarded students, created a drama for the art final exam. We thought of making a drama the reflects the life of a disastrous family, of which I had to play a role of a pregnant teenager, and the dad is having an affair with his secretary. But it was too cheesy and contemporary. So, we changed the theme to forest exploitation, how it affects the issue of global warming and the inhabitants that lived around it. I had to play the role of a lady peasant, whose house near the forest was destroyed thanks to the trees that had been cut, the difficult thing was that my scene was a monologue, so I had to pretend that I was desperate and frustrated, and I had to fake cry. It seemed so impossible at first, but the act turned out amazingly remarkable.



Celebration of Indonesia & Egypt's 63 Years of Diplomatic Relation

I swear, I'd never forget this incredible day. After all the sweat I've sacrificed for dance practices, turned out it wasn't all for nothing. The feeling on stage was so extraordinary that I could still feel the vibration. I gotta admit that I was a lil tense coz the audience are filled with Egyptian ministers and VIPs, and I was afraid if my fake eyelashes were going to fall off (I don't know why the hell should I even be wearing fake eyelashes when my real eyelashes were fine!). I even forced myself to think that if I made a mistake at the dance, Egypt and Indonesia will start a war. Stupid? Tell me bout it. On the other hand, the performance was perfect, completed by a standing ovation.

There was this really hilarious incident that made me cry out of laughter every time I remember it.
When we were lifted home, I had to pick up my brother at his friend's house. I was so exhausted and drowsy, but thank God Auli accompanied me so that I wouldn't fall asleep in the middle of the road. The building wasn't far, so we walked. On the way, Auli borrowed one of my fake eyelashes and asked me to stick it to his left eye. So I did what he told. And just when we'd reached the building, my dad's car came. Apparently, dad was lifting the parents of my friends' brother home, and at the same time he wanted to pick up his son. I told Auli to go home coz my dad's already here, and I went in the building to snatch my brother. When I went back to the car, Auli was there in the front seat nattering with my dad. AND HE FORGOT TO TAKE OFF MY FAKE EYELASHES (laughing hysterically for the billionth time). I think my dad didn't notice, though, coz it was too dark in the car so it wasn't really obvious. Too bad.


Today, I watched three of my best friends leave Cairo. Through seventeen years I've been living in Cairo, I watch people come and go, but I never really got accustomed to it. I still feel sad about them leaving. Especially those three. They've been filling my days with colours for the past two years. Sometimes, when I'm just bored or got nowhere to go, Zaky's place was the perfect spot. And now it just seems awkward to visit zaky's place when he's not there. And I'm missing it already.
It's like, there's this large empty hole in my heart, and each time I go to bed, I'd cry myself to sleep. I feel numb.

This place is so lonely.



Just a photo I've made, once upon a time.

I feel so worn out these days, they seem so endless. Things have been appearing to keep me hectic, and exams are starting in three days, preparing to mutilate me mentally with no mercy. I really need to study. It's just that I lost my spirits. No, wait, I'm ecstatic, really. I'm just too tired. Exhausted. I certainly need a break. Just for a day. But I don't think that's possible cause the Egyptian & Indonesian diplomatic relation celebration is going to be held on Friday, and there has been a lot of dance practices, and I'm sure there'll be more.
At least I like the dance, it makes me feel alive. Really.
Besides that, I've found something (or someone?) that made my life just a little worth living for. I don't know if this is just me or have I really become so close with him. You know, sometimes I just think that what I'm thinking is happening but actually it isn't and I'm always still being tricked by reality with my hopeless wishes. But there's a little voice screaming in my heart, that says, we're too close. We share things. Just FYI, he doesn't share a lot with people, so I feel like I'm being trusted wholly when he tells me stuff, and it makes me feel blissful. How many people on this filthy earth who would trust you exclusively with their filthy secrets? I bet not many.
But I don't think that this is the reason why he's so interesting to me. It might be because of his ironic sense of humor -which never failed to brighten stiff atmospheres- if he's in a good mood. Oh, he's always in a good mood. Even when he's troubled, he'd hide his feelings flawlessly. But he wouldn't hide it in front of me, and when he does that, I always feel like I've done something wrong to him, like it's my fault or something. Maybe it's always my fault, I can be exasperating lots of times. Even my mom is fed up.
He's just one of a kind. I can't really explain it, but I want to.
And I'm not supposed to be posting this because I'm a student and I should be studying till my ass becomes stiff and my eyes are red sore. I just wanted to keep things updated and let you know that I'm still alive. Not that anybody reads this piece of shit.

Really. I need to take a break cuz it's triggering my temperance.



I don't know why, but I'm happy right now. Content? Even though my life isn't going perfect recently. But maybe, just maybe, I've learned to look beyond the imperfection.

It could be because of numerous reasons. Possibly, it's caused by the cooking time together yesterday at Dadang's, or the presence of a romantic dracula who's making me alive everyday, or could be a lot of other things.

Apart from that, I haven't taken my period for three months. I'm NOT stressed out. As I said I'm happy.
Well, at least I'm positive that I'm not pregnant.


Final exams are coming and I haven't opened any books. I'm not in a perfect frame of mind to read stuff about reproduction or revolutions. Although, my conscious is starting to get worried and I'm predicting bad marks.



So, it's been awhile. Again.
I know I'm such a sloth. I'm not into writing my daily or weekly rantings right now. Coz there's nothing much to spill. I mean, I guess my life has been quite a bore, it's like I'm role-playing a monologue drama. If my life were to be represented on a graphic presentation, I guess it would be a single remotely stable straight line.

But my friend Auli has been such a good company, that I'm not dying out of loneliness all alone.
Although he's quite a bit stressed out about his exams too. But his frustrated expression on his face which only makes him look like a five-year-old boy who isn't allowed to buy a candy just brings me laughter.

The tediousness of my life may be caused by Rani's departure to Indonesia. She's left for good to continue her studies in Indonesia and I'm pretty sure we're going to be united again someday and redo the same stupid things we've done for the past two (or three?) years. It's hard finding a person like her, she's my identically opposite personality twin. She completes me.
God, do I sound like a lesbian?

And the other cause might be how unbelievably strict my parents are being these days. They just don't understand that I desperately need space. I need to get out of the house once a day just to walk during sunsets. And for me to grant my wishes I really need to come up with reasonable excuses like I'm gone to buy some phone credits or bits of snack.
Sheesh, I can't wait to get to college.

At school, we've been practicing this salsa or cha-cha (?) dance. It's kinda fun, according to someone who isn't really into dancing.

I'm trying to enjoy my life. I'm really trying.



Not enough words to express how much I'm missing you. Pictures explain more than words.