Life is full of ups and downs.
I guess that explains it. Cuz in the last post I seemed so out of control. Maybe it seems to me that way cuz right now I'm blossomed with happiness. I guess to be perfectly happy, you've gotta get all your frustrations out, huh?

So anyway, this day had been such an incredibly fantastic day. It wasn't major, but it brought me bliss.
I went to my best friend's apartment. And I enjoyed myself playing with his lil siblings. And that was all.
Pretty simple, but I've never felt this happy before since my other best friends have gone abroad.


I've made peace with my parents now. So there're now wars going on inside the house and I'm really trying not to create one. But my lil brother is still being a devilish satan. I can't reason with him. And sometimes I don't wanna reason with him.


I'm thinking about college now. I mean, next year, insyaAllah, I'll graduate and where do I go? My parents have decided to send me to Singapore. But what university? What faculty? Will I get a part-time job? Where will I live? I'm starting to get panic but it'd be pointless if I kept being paranoid and do nothing.
I wanna work in a bank, or an office. At least a place where you can make coffees, except in cafes or restaurants. I'm not really good at holding trays.
So, yeah. If any of you guys are reading this and have any information about the college life in Singapore, please help this poor little girl with your simplest instructions and informations. I'll really appreciate it if you do.


Maybe I should let my feelings flow, let it all out.

You keep the air in my lungs
floating along as the melody comes
and my heart beats like timpani drums
keeping the time while a symphony strums

[Yellowcard - How I Go]



I know, the title is quite vulgar. But it's the fact, and this is my blog. I can write whatever the hell I want. And curse as much as I want.

I think I'm angry right now. I'm full of rage.
I hate being at home. My parents are constantly whining with their annoying high pitches. It's always started by my mom, though. Every time she wants to get mad, the whole world has to get mad too. The worst part is that I couldn't debate with her, I might blow up and shout out filthy and disrespectful words. I mean, no matter how much she pisses me off, she's still my mom. I just have to pull my own hair.
Then comes dad, who'd get mad too when mom is being lunatic. Cuz they're both soulmates and they have soul connection. So, if one of them gets mad, the other one gets mad too. Perfect.
Then there's my imbecile brother. To hell with him, I can't even stand talking about him here. I might smash the keyboard out of resentment.
The only one who's sane at home is my innocent little baby sister, she could cry a number of times without making my blood boil. Except the fact that she hardly cries, she's just so calm and beautiful. I guess God sent her for us as an angel who would keep us being alive, away from suicide, just to escape from this miserable life.

I really sound like a teenager who's in her puberty stage. I'm seventeen, god damn it. I should grow up. But it's difficult growing up, even literally. It's hard to be all mature, be decisive, be smart, to think first before act, gain weight, get taller, and other fucking stuff. Besides, I can't grow up when my parents are being critical about it. I will grow up if you let me, mom and dad. I promise I fucking will.



Art Exam
My class, which consisted of only seven retarded students, created a drama for the art final exam. We thought of making a drama the reflects the life of a disastrous family, of which I had to play a role of a pregnant teenager, and the dad is having an affair with his secretary. But it was too cheesy and contemporary. So, we changed the theme to forest exploitation, how it affects the issue of global warming and the inhabitants that lived around it. I had to play the role of a lady peasant, whose house near the forest was destroyed thanks to the trees that had been cut, the difficult thing was that my scene was a monologue, so I had to pretend that I was desperate and frustrated, and I had to fake cry. It seemed so impossible at first, but the act turned out amazingly remarkable.



Celebration of Indonesia & Egypt's 63 Years of Diplomatic Relation

I swear, I'd never forget this incredible day. After all the sweat I've sacrificed for dance practices, turned out it wasn't all for nothing. The feeling on stage was so extraordinary that I could still feel the vibration. I gotta admit that I was a lil tense coz the audience are filled with Egyptian ministers and VIPs, and I was afraid if my fake eyelashes were going to fall off (I don't know why the hell should I even be wearing fake eyelashes when my real eyelashes were fine!). I even forced myself to think that if I made a mistake at the dance, Egypt and Indonesia will start a war. Stupid? Tell me bout it. On the other hand, the performance was perfect, completed by a standing ovation.

There was this really hilarious incident that made me cry out of laughter every time I remember it.
When we were lifted home, I had to pick up my brother at his friend's house. I was so exhausted and drowsy, but thank God Auli accompanied me so that I wouldn't fall asleep in the middle of the road. The building wasn't far, so we walked. On the way, Auli borrowed one of my fake eyelashes and asked me to stick it to his left eye. So I did what he told. And just when we'd reached the building, my dad's car came. Apparently, dad was lifting the parents of my friends' brother home, and at the same time he wanted to pick up his son. I told Auli to go home coz my dad's already here, and I went in the building to snatch my brother. When I went back to the car, Auli was there in the front seat nattering with my dad. AND HE FORGOT TO TAKE OFF MY FAKE EYELASHES (laughing hysterically for the billionth time). I think my dad didn't notice, though, coz it was too dark in the car so it wasn't really obvious. Too bad.


Today, I watched three of my best friends leave Cairo. Through seventeen years I've been living in Cairo, I watch people come and go, but I never really got accustomed to it. I still feel sad about them leaving. Especially those three. They've been filling my days with colours for the past two years. Sometimes, when I'm just bored or got nowhere to go, Zaky's place was the perfect spot. And now it just seems awkward to visit zaky's place when he's not there. And I'm missing it already.
It's like, there's this large empty hole in my heart, and each time I go to bed, I'd cry myself to sleep. I feel numb.

This place is so lonely.



Just a photo I've made, once upon a time.

I feel so worn out these days, they seem so endless. Things have been appearing to keep me hectic, and exams are starting in three days, preparing to mutilate me mentally with no mercy. I really need to study. It's just that I lost my spirits. No, wait, I'm ecstatic, really. I'm just too tired. Exhausted. I certainly need a break. Just for a day. But I don't think that's possible cause the Egyptian & Indonesian diplomatic relation celebration is going to be held on Friday, and there has been a lot of dance practices, and I'm sure there'll be more.
At least I like the dance, it makes me feel alive. Really.
Besides that, I've found something (or someone?) that made my life just a little worth living for. I don't know if this is just me or have I really become so close with him. You know, sometimes I just think that what I'm thinking is happening but actually it isn't and I'm always still being tricked by reality with my hopeless wishes. But there's a little voice screaming in my heart, that says, we're too close. We share things. Just FYI, he doesn't share a lot with people, so I feel like I'm being trusted wholly when he tells me stuff, and it makes me feel blissful. How many people on this filthy earth who would trust you exclusively with their filthy secrets? I bet not many.
But I don't think that this is the reason why he's so interesting to me. It might be because of his ironic sense of humor -which never failed to brighten stiff atmospheres- if he's in a good mood. Oh, he's always in a good mood. Even when he's troubled, he'd hide his feelings flawlessly. But he wouldn't hide it in front of me, and when he does that, I always feel like I've done something wrong to him, like it's my fault or something. Maybe it's always my fault, I can be exasperating lots of times. Even my mom is fed up.
He's just one of a kind. I can't really explain it, but I want to.
And I'm not supposed to be posting this because I'm a student and I should be studying till my ass becomes stiff and my eyes are red sore. I just wanted to keep things updated and let you know that I'm still alive. Not that anybody reads this piece of shit.

Really. I need to take a break cuz it's triggering my temperance.



I don't know why, but I'm happy right now. Content? Even though my life isn't going perfect recently. But maybe, just maybe, I've learned to look beyond the imperfection.

It could be because of numerous reasons. Possibly, it's caused by the cooking time together yesterday at Dadang's, or the presence of a romantic dracula who's making me alive everyday, or could be a lot of other things.

Apart from that, I haven't taken my period for three months. I'm NOT stressed out. As I said I'm happy.
Well, at least I'm positive that I'm not pregnant.


Final exams are coming and I haven't opened any books. I'm not in a perfect frame of mind to read stuff about reproduction or revolutions. Although, my conscious is starting to get worried and I'm predicting bad marks.