7.06.2012

TWO MONTHS OFF

Two days away from going back to Cairo to meet my family and get rid of the hectic life in Jakarta. Almost every aspect of my life is ruined ever since I've started living here. My social, love, and academic life. I need to go back to my childhood place. I know this is like running away, but.. I just need this, for two months. It's just been so overwhelming.

Friends get on with their lives and focus on it, and we barely contact each other anymore. Lovers move to a comfortable place and settle with that, not wanting anything to jeopardize the serenity. Everyone secludes themselves once they get their hands on something that fulfills their life.

Everyone except my family.


It's easier to let go of our false hopes and face the ugly facts. Quite a relief. And so I'm waving my hands to them. Hi & goodbye.

7.05.2012

SPIDERMAN, MY PSYCHIATRIST

Who could've guessed that watching Spiderman, I mean, The Amazing Spiderman (not to mention a lusty one), has somehow helped me figure myself out a little. God, it's always been about me, hasn't it? I know I'm a self-centered person, you can close this window and go back to scrolling your facebook homepage.

I cried watching The Amazing Spiderman, even though at the early scenes I was laughing like a disgusting pig. Thank God it was just tears, without the sobs or any of the other over-reactive gestures. But well, crying itself was an overreaction dammit.

So at the end of the movie, I got myself thinking, why on earth did I cry. I cried when *SPOILER ALERT* Spiderman's girlfriend's dad, who was chasing down Spiderman, made him promise to stay away from his daughter. Yeah, okay, that was a heavy promise. But it was a fake one, Karina. It's just one of the lines of which those actors have to say wholeheartedly to gain a thousand dollars. Alright, I'm aware of that. But still, that particular scene is so likely to happen to anyone anytime, right? It's not totally fictional. What if it happens to me? What if I was told to promise not to let you-know-who (not Voldemort, you idiot) get involved in my life? (which is possible, since my life is too dull.) To be honest, I'd never be able to make that promise.

Actually, I don't know.

For all I know, I just realized that I'm actually quite a sensitive person. Majorly sensitive. I'm sure some of the people whom I meet everyday would disagree to that statement, most of them would. I've been acting heartless and cold. Possibly because I don't like or I don't care (I don't know which one exactly) how people live their typical life in this town. And every moment feels like a waste without my family and you-know-who. So let's try to put that into the Spiderman movie inciden

Let's review the scene. I, the most self-centered lady on earth, am watching The Amazing Spiderman. I'm always consciously aware that all commercials and the movie which is about to start is fictional. Whatever the ending is, it's completely made up. So, I don't care. But I can't help to care sometimes because apparently our fascinating brain is never shut down, even during a movie it works and thinks about what's gonna happen. Conclusion? If my mind is simply acting that way during a movie, I can't imagine how it's acting in real life. All this time I thought I don't give a single crap about anything, well, I know now that I do. And it's involuntary, I can't help it.

I think this quality should be inside every doctor and health care provider. I mean, they both deal with strangers' problem that's usually critical, and therefore, they must care.

Overall, I like the old version of Spiderman better, I didn't come up with anything like this at least when I watched it. Nor did I shed a stupid tear.

7.04.2012

CUTE PENISES

Swear to God, I'm not gonna talk about porn. This will be partially medical.


A couple of days ago I've had another adventurous medical experience. I've participated in the event of circumcision, as the instrument. So, let me explain it briefly. Circumcision is a minor surgery which IS NOT about cutting the length of your penis (if you have one), but to remove a particular skin on it that's usually been dirty probably because you have been so careless about washing it after you pee ever since you're little. And if you're not circumcised it will become even filthier and it will be so likely to develop an infection and no one's gonna want to have sexual intercourse with you because it would be yucky to have an STD (but that is if you bring up the topic to your partner, so it's never a good idea to talk about circumcision with her or him *in case if you're gay* *in case if you really are gay, please leave a message in my cbox on the right side of this post, I really wanna have a gay friend*).

Just a reminder here, the circumcision I was at was held by members of Stunica (Student Union of International Class) in the Faculty of Medicine of Universitas Indonesia. And it was a manual one. So we didn't use technological weapon to cut off the skin of the penis (as in: laser), but we used scalpels, tweezers, scissors, catgut, and most importantly, our own hands (which were, thankfully, had to be covered with handschoen/medical gloves to keep everything sterile). Every process of circumcision on one kid should be handled by at least three people which are the operator (basically the leader of the whole surgery who does all the stitching and the complicated stuff), co-operator (who assists the operator by controlling bleeding *if there's any* and handing the tools), and the instrument (who's the heaver, prepares all the tools needed and isn't allowed to even touch the tools because even though the instrument wears handschoen, his/her hands still remain un-sterile).

Since I was only in my first year, I was only capable of being the instrument. The operator and her co-operater were third year students. Even though I didn't accomplish much, observing the whole process was hella interesting. I wasn't even disgusted when I saw this kid's penis which was rarely washed. I was also lucky because the kid I got didn't shed an innocent tear through the whole surgery, while the kid next door cried in pain like a woman in labor. He was scared at first but we told him not to look and not to move or it will take longer to finish the damn thing (which is true). So, the whole time he just covered his whole face with this blanket which brought along. And the funny thing was when he got scared, he covered his face with the blanket so intensely and suddenly yelled, the operator and the co-operator thought that something they did hurt the kid, but then he only cried because he couldn't breathe through his blanket. It shouldn't really hurt, in fact, the kid shouldn't really feel anything because we've sedated him. It's all psychological when he appears to be crying in pain.

Anyways, the one thing that bugged me during the event was when I got another kid who had just been circumcised but 20 minutes later had a bleeding in his penis. This was the most hysterical kid, even though he hadn't cried the whole time he was circumcised and was showing a really patient expression that makes you just fall in love with his innocence. I was the instrument but there was this fourth year student who took over my position just because she though I was useless. How could you be useless when you're just an instrument? The job desk is just so simple that, I bet, even my thirteen year old brother can do it. She didn't really say I was useless but I could now read people's expression. It was that or she just wanted to participate in the most frantic case. But seriously, I mean, you shouldn't be taking over someone's position who is trying to learn when obviously you've experienced it a zillion times before. Especially when it's already too easy for a fourth year student who's supposed to be in the clinical year.

But I didn't let her ruin my day. I had a great one and I'm looking forward to the day I'll become an operator and have the penis all for myself.

7.03.2012

CLIMAX OF HOMESICKNESS

God, my life is sad.

I know I'm blessed. I can fill my stomach, I can buy stuff for mum and my darling siblings, I have great friends, not to mention, a very caring grandmother, I don't have a terminal disease (as far as I know), and I'm not disabled.

But why oh why is he disturbing my life!?

So, because nobody really understands, or I really suck at explaining my emotions, I'm gonna spill all the beans here.

I can never understand him. One minute he says it's alright to be clingy, and the next second he doesn't like it when I depend on him. What does he actually want? All I want is to be with him like in the old days. It feels so wrong to be like this now, faraway from each other, mentally.

I'm just actually disappointed. The only thing I've been looking forward to this year is to see him in June/July but my wish can't be granted, and I can't even estimate the year when we can meet up. I mean, I know we're only 4000 miles away from each other's foot. But I still hate the distance. I want him to be here but he doesn't even feel conscious about it. Yeah, maybe that's what's bugging me, that he doesn't know I still want him.

But I know he doesn't want me anymore. I know I'm so full of pressure and anger, and I'm not loving or gentle. I'm an insensitive bitch, I know. At least I'm self-conscious; what I am will never be enough for him.

I know I can go find someone else to fall for, but like Katy Perry says, how do I get better once I've had the best? I can't seem to hold on to anybody else and being like this reminds me of feeling homesick. Because maybe I've found another individual, besides my family, that would make me feel so comfortable and homey.

I can't exactly tell him all of these. He'll just take it as a burden or another pressure I'm trying to press on him. But actually no, this is just me revealing how I feel, as a human. This will always stay here, unsaid.

5.03.2012

NO TITLE

There is something mentally wrong with me.

I've been either sleeping too much or haven't been sleeping at all.
I've been skipping meals. I've been skipping showers.
I'm letting my room filthy like a cow's barn.
I've been watching 'House' on my laptop for 10 hours straight, on bed.
I haven't been drinking coffee.
I don't feel like bonding with anyone. I've become a loner. Though, my friends won't let me be all alone. Wait, that opposes the sentence of being a loner. But still, I'm not in exactly in a frame of mind of having social interactions.
Even when asked for a human response, I'd talk nicely. But inside, I feel like screaming. I'm not being emo.
I frown a lot lately. Even when I smile, it's not the same one with the one I wear in the past.
I've been incredibly unproductive. I don't play guitar anymore. Or mess up with photos with photoshop. Or do origami. Wait, I never really do origami.
I've been easily distracted.
I can't concentrate. I can't study.
I'm completely unmotivated.
I'm full of guilt and hate as well.
I'm broken-hearted and I'm miserable.
I need anti-depressants but I don't like solid-formed pills.

Why am I listing all these depressing symptoms? Hmm, well, just in case I get 'sick' again in the future, I'd remember how I handled this. Except that, I haven't come up with any appropriate psychological treatment.

So, what's the problem?
It's probably revolving around my personal life. Of course, it's always been about my personal life, I've always been selfish.

THEORY 1: I'm No Good at the Academic Shiz
So medical school is hard. Everyone knows that. But not everyone is as determined as I was, when i was a freshman, to get an average mark of an A. My spirits were strikingly high at that time, I wonder what suppressed it. Maybe the materials I'm learning one by one have successfully convinced me that medical school is hard indeed, and there's no way I can get an A. Why am I so obsessed with getting an A? Because I'm dying to please my parents who are working their asses off to pay my obnoxiously expensive school fee. And that they still have three younger kids to feed and educate. I just want to deliver them good news and prove that their hard work isn't in vain. But I've failed. I'm not smart enough to gain an A. I give up, and so those symptoms gradually begin to reveal themselves.

THEORY 2: Dying Romance
What do you do when you fall for someone whom you completely realize isn't a person you'll ever get along with? Especially when you're all demanding, moody, and emotional and he's all for world peace and serenity.  How do you handle it when a person who used to care so much about you suddenly says that he couldn't anymore because he couldn't even care about his life, probably after you reveal your worst quality? He might have felt all gaggy or simply disgusted by your weakness in letting out your anger. Why were you angry anyways? Well, I wasn't angry. I was hurt. Of course, these two past sentences would sound so lame to you, so melancholic and overrated. I needed attention. And who the heck doesn't want attention from the person they love? Why are you so stupid? Why am I more stupid than you? I'm double stupid. I'm stupid in the matter of love and the academics. I can't even figure out a good subtitle for this paragraph. I totally suck at everything. If I suck at everything then I don't need to try my best at anything because I know I'll screw up anyways. I don't need to eat nor take a shower nor clean my bedroom nor nor nor nor nor *symptoms appearing*.

I suck at ending a blog post too. So I'll just probably go without typing a farewell speech.












4.14.2012

THIS PATHETIC FEELING

I take all of my words back from the last post.

Love is ironic. You get all angry and pissed off by one person. And when you realize that you've gone too far, you regret all the words that came out from your dirty mouth.

I don't know why I'm caught up with someone whom I perfectly know doesn't care a bit. Why is it so hard to let go, why can't I not think about this person at least for a day?

I think... from the moment I realized I had feelings for him, life was just beautiful, at least that was how it seemed as I remember it now. I remember our little walks here and there, in the mornings, afternoons, or even late nights, along the neighborhood, the Nile river, or anywhere our steps guided us. It felt so right, so homey.

The reason why I'm caught up with you is because I don't want that homey feeling to fade away. I'm so selfish, I want to feel every inch of it everyday.

But what's the point of being together when you don't want the same thing?

4.08.2012

SPUR - DEPAPEPE

I don't know if I have a really bad personality of being moody, or if I deserve a better guy.

Recently, we've been having arguments. About my brother. About how he rarely gives time to have a little chat with me. About things that end up pissing me off and letting out the demon inside of me. This is only making me feel that he doesn't need me after all, that not having those chats doesn't make any difference for him, that living life without having to share it with me is just okay.

How do I deal with this? I'm clueless about what to say when he probably thinks that whatever I'm gonna say is unimportant. That I'll probably just go angry and he'll say 'I'm gonna go take a walk' to run away from the situation.

Sometimes I think that he's not worth it, but my self being is too vulnerable to let him go.

God, why am I so stupid.


4.04.2012

PERIODICALLY TIRED

Oh no, my shoutbox has expired and I've already forgotten my username and password i used for shoutbox. I'm too sluggish to make a new account. Well, the truth is I want my old shoutbox because it contained lots of memorable statements since the first time I've made this invisible blog.

It was a time were my life was going steady and relaxed, with no pressure or burden that continuously terrorize your mind. The highest level of pressure was when I had a social study exam coming or when I forgot to bring my maths textbook and forced to stand in front of everyone in the class and sing the national anthem of Egypt. Even though I'm not Egyptian. Yes, those were nothing compared to the ones I'm facing now, as a youthful adult.

It is right what people say, particularly my parents. The more you grow up, the harder the things will get. But when I was told that, all I could think of was school. 'Of course, the higher grade you're in, the harder materials you'll get.' But oh, I've realized it earlier just now that the word doesn't revolve around your curriculum. Because I don't remember myself being taught any lessons about time management or anti-procrastination.

The reason why I'm exhausted isn't because I've been killing my time reading a 700-pages textbook, but rather the fact that I'm spending it on unnecessary activities which aren't worth my time.

Mom's right. I can't ever manage my own time in a neat way.

4.01.2012

SOCIAL BEING

I know my long absence is unforgivable. However, I just have to share this, for my future self to read and reminisce.

So in the university I'm an active member of two organisations, well, more like an unofficial member of one of the organisations. The two organisations are Stunica (Student Union of International Class) and CIMSA (Center of International Medical Student Activities). I'm already an official member of Stunica in the Public and Documentation Department, but I'm still in the registration process for CIMSA.

Keep in mind that I've hardly ever been an active participant in any social group or whatsoever. My previous school wasn't the type that facilitates student clubs, except student council. Yeah, probably the only social experience I was ever involved in was the student council, of which I played a role as a treasurer. I can calculate money (you don't say?!), but I have no potential in leadership or managing a team or organizing an event.

In order to be a member of CIMSA, me and the rest of the newcomers just have to pass selections, accomplish social tasks, and nail interviews. We're currently in the 'accomplish social tasks' period, in which we have to build a social project like a charity event or something like that, where all the newcomers (a total of 85) have to be involved as the committees.

But guess who is the lead of this, as the seniors call it, 'First Project'?

Me.

What?! Cut the crap!

No, seriously. I was voted by the precious newcomers. Which, somehow made me feel regretful livfring in a democratic country. Mind you, the spotlight never really shone on me in campus. I'm not active, I don't really involve myself in any event being held. I'm just as confused as you are about why I'm being trusted to run a social project that is going to engage strangers' life! People, I don't even have the slightest skill in delivering a speech.

But whatever. I think this is a path from Allah that I have to walk on. If I'm not willing to look stupid, I won't succeed in anything anyways.

Because I'm responsible for running this project, I was already given the location by the seniors. Later, it will be up to us to decide the concept of the project. CIMSA was coincidentally holding an event called "International Women's Day" on the same location last Saturday. So, aiming to check the location and peek on how the professionals organize an event, I decided to contact the lead of the event and inform him of my plan of attending. Thankfully, the lead of this project was really kind and welcoming. I hope I'll be as kind and as welcoming as him by then.

My first thought upon the first sight of the location was, 'small'. The car had to drive slowly because the road to the location was so narrow. I took pictures to later demonstrate it to the newcomers and got occupied with the event.

This medical event held by CIMSA, provided free (more like, sponsored) cervical cancer test (or what is known as VIA, Visual Inspection with Acetic Acid Application) for the women in the neighborhood surrounding the location. Before these women's vagina's being checked by the doctors, they had to go through anamnesis first. Anamnesis is a medical diagnosis where the doctors just ask you questions related to your personal identity, lifestyle, and your complains. So, because the doctors cooperated in the event couldn't perform.. everything, the committees of the event, who were medical student, were the ones who performed the anamnesis. In other words, I participated too.

Yes, people, I just had my first experience of diagnosis. And mind you, anamnesis serves 70% for the correct medical diagnosis. Yeah well, to put it plainly, I served less than 3/4 of the diagnosis. You're welcome, doctor.

The experience I had was hilarious, though. These women whom I diagnosed weren't hesitant at all about giving their personal information. They just lay it all in front of you. Some were even like, "Can I share a story?", and well, since I thought there was no harm to it, I said, "Of course". And oh wow, she told me the time when she first used spiral. I'm never gonna use spiral. Never.

Not only did I got the opportunity of doing anamnesis, but I also won a chance to see the insides of the vagina of a woman which almost developed into cancer, if not treated right then. I wasn't disgusted at all, since, I thought, I've got the same organ. She had to be treated right away but before that, her husband had to sign an informed consent first. Why the husband? Because after the treatment, the couple's not allowed to have sex for approximately a month. In other words, the husband had to sign an agreement of controlling his romantic lust over his wife for 30 days without cheating on her. At least that's how I look at it.

Ironically, after that exhausting day came to an end. I found myself looking forward to holding this project I'm responsible to run.

So, fellas, wish me luck on not screwing up.


1.06.2012

PROMOTED AS A UNIVERSITY STUDENT

Just when I don't know where to throw up my thoughts, this blog becomes the one that can tolerate them.

Early Moments
Charity Event
Orientation

I'm trying to adapt to the life of being a university student. It's pretty harsh and serious. A lot more serious than high school phase, when the assignments don't use regulated references such as vancouver and had no specific formats in space, fonts, and whatever, when exams are guaranteed for you to pass, and most importantly, when the teacher explains every single detail you need to know in the materials. Academics in   university life is highly broad, especially medicine. The lecturer (not called as the teacher anymore, and I'm about to mention why) does not provide the full knowledge. In other words, as a university student, I have to dig in myself.

Social life is dramatically different as well. I'm not sure if it is because I have never really dealt with pure Indonesian colleagues before or background diversity, or if it's because the age factor. Well, apparently, college students are adult learners, so I'm basically dealing with adults too, and to tell you the truth, most of them are surprisingly... how do you say it? Mature? Cooked? With all the sense of leadership, highly structured thoughts and charismatic talent. I feel like I'm in a different zone, that is not meant for people like me, who obviously has no leadership qualification and stutters when is told to deliver a public speech. I have an exceedingly low quality of soft skill. There's so much to learn from these people.

Apparently, university phase is where I'm pushed to develop the soft skills I'm lacking, through student unions and organizations, as well as events conducted by students. Well, I think this particular part in the university is the most appealing one to me. Since, during my high school period, I was rarely involved with those type of activities. Well, there were activities of those kinds but... not as intense, as frequent and as structured as it is in the university.

Other than those, there are other colleagues who seem to shockingly develop shallower thoughts than mine. People who judge others by appearance, background, and who they're dating with. Some others are plainly opportunists who take friendships for granted to selfishly gain a qualified academic performance without much effort. Some also who act incredibly spoiled and let other team mates do the work without offering any assistance. And the rest just don't have any opinions upon anything. I mean, come on! As a university student, don't you want to get rid of the past attributes of being dependent to others? Don't you have a sense of a slight liberty of expressing your criticism? Do you directly agree and choose to memorize it all blindly just to get an A on your test? Because honestly, I do think that grades still matter of course, but I care more towards whether if I'm still able to grasp and store the things I've been studying and save it for my professional years of being a doctor. There's no time to judge people if you think about those stuff.

It's hard to build a trusted friendship in university. Everyone seem to act as opportunists. I know this thought is not right and when I'm aware of it, I immediately banish it. But eventually, I regret doing so. Because after they've reached their targeted benefits, they leave you just like that. You can't reject assistance, that would be rude. But you can't also be too naive. So, I end up befriending everyone in my batch. I do have a group of people who I hang out with frequently, but they're not really the type of people I expect to personally open up with. Typically, they're the ones who open up and I just act as a good listener. I don't really mind this, in fact, I'm comfortable with this role I'm playing. My personal life is totally segregated.

I totally haven't gotten the hang of  university lifestyle yet, since I still act like a high school student (and obviously still look like one). Adaptation is a process. I'm not halfway there yet, but I'm enjoying the process.

I do know, though, that the most crucial point of surviving college life is to maintain a good eating habit.