I take all of my words back from the last post.

Love is ironic. You get all angry and pissed off by one person. And when you realize that you've gone too far, you regret all the words that came out from your dirty mouth.

I don't know why I'm caught up with someone whom I perfectly know doesn't care a bit. Why is it so hard to let go, why can't I not think about this person at least for a day?

I think... from the moment I realized I had feelings for him, life was just beautiful, at least that was how it seemed as I remember it now. I remember our little walks here and there, in the mornings, afternoons, or even late nights, along the neighborhood, the Nile river, or anywhere our steps guided us. It felt so right, so homey.

The reason why I'm caught up with you is because I don't want that homey feeling to fade away. I'm so selfish, I want to feel every inch of it everyday.

But what's the point of being together when you don't want the same thing?



I don't know if I have a really bad personality of being moody, or if I deserve a better guy.

Recently, we've been having arguments. About my brother. About how he rarely gives time to have a little chat with me. About things that end up pissing me off and letting out the demon inside of me. This is only making me feel that he doesn't need me after all, that not having those chats doesn't make any difference for him, that living life without having to share it with me is just okay.

How do I deal with this? I'm clueless about what to say when he probably thinks that whatever I'm gonna say is unimportant. That I'll probably just go angry and he'll say 'I'm gonna go take a walk' to run away from the situation.

Sometimes I think that he's not worth it, but my self being is too vulnerable to let him go.

God, why am I so stupid.



Oh no, my shoutbox has expired and I've already forgotten my username and password i used for shoutbox. I'm too sluggish to make a new account. Well, the truth is I want my old shoutbox because it contained lots of memorable statements since the first time I've made this invisible blog.

It was a time were my life was going steady and relaxed, with no pressure or burden that continuously terrorize your mind. The highest level of pressure was when I had a social study exam coming or when I forgot to bring my maths textbook and forced to stand in front of everyone in the class and sing the national anthem of Egypt. Even though I'm not Egyptian. Yes, those were nothing compared to the ones I'm facing now, as a youthful adult.

It is right what people say, particularly my parents. The more you grow up, the harder the things will get. But when I was told that, all I could think of was school. 'Of course, the higher grade you're in, the harder materials you'll get.' But oh, I've realized it earlier just now that the word doesn't revolve around your curriculum. Because I don't remember myself being taught any lessons about time management or anti-procrastination.

The reason why I'm exhausted isn't because I've been killing my time reading a 700-pages textbook, but rather the fact that I'm spending it on unnecessary activities which aren't worth my time.

Mom's right. I can't ever manage my own time in a neat way.



I know my long absence is unforgivable. However, I just have to share this, for my future self to read and reminisce.

So in the university I'm an active member of two organisations, well, more like an unofficial member of one of the organisations. The two organisations are Stunica (Student Union of International Class) and CIMSA (Center of International Medical Student Activities). I'm already an official member of Stunica in the Public and Documentation Department, but I'm still in the registration process for CIMSA.

Keep in mind that I've hardly ever been an active participant in any social group or whatsoever. My previous school wasn't the type that facilitates student clubs, except student council. Yeah, probably the only social experience I was ever involved in was the student council, of which I played a role as a treasurer. I can calculate money (you don't say?!), but I have no potential in leadership or managing a team or organizing an event.

In order to be a member of CIMSA, me and the rest of the newcomers just have to pass selections, accomplish social tasks, and nail interviews. We're currently in the 'accomplish social tasks' period, in which we have to build a social project like a charity event or something like that, where all the newcomers (a total of 85) have to be involved as the committees.

But guess who is the lead of this, as the seniors call it, 'First Project'?


What?! Cut the crap!

No, seriously. I was voted by the precious newcomers. Which, somehow made me feel regretful livfring in a democratic country. Mind you, the spotlight never really shone on me in campus. I'm not active, I don't really involve myself in any event being held. I'm just as confused as you are about why I'm being trusted to run a social project that is going to engage strangers' life! People, I don't even have the slightest skill in delivering a speech.

But whatever. I think this is a path from Allah that I have to walk on. If I'm not willing to look stupid, I won't succeed in anything anyways.

Because I'm responsible for running this project, I was already given the location by the seniors. Later, it will be up to us to decide the concept of the project. CIMSA was coincidentally holding an event called "International Women's Day" on the same location last Saturday. So, aiming to check the location and peek on how the professionals organize an event, I decided to contact the lead of the event and inform him of my plan of attending. Thankfully, the lead of this project was really kind and welcoming. I hope I'll be as kind and as welcoming as him by then.

My first thought upon the first sight of the location was, 'small'. The car had to drive slowly because the road to the location was so narrow. I took pictures to later demonstrate it to the newcomers and got occupied with the event.

This medical event held by CIMSA, provided free (more like, sponsored) cervical cancer test (or what is known as VIA, Visual Inspection with Acetic Acid Application) for the women in the neighborhood surrounding the location. Before these women's vagina's being checked by the doctors, they had to go through anamnesis first. Anamnesis is a medical diagnosis where the doctors just ask you questions related to your personal identity, lifestyle, and your complains. So, because the doctors cooperated in the event couldn't perform.. everything, the committees of the event, who were medical student, were the ones who performed the anamnesis. In other words, I participated too.

Yes, people, I just had my first experience of diagnosis. And mind you, anamnesis serves 70% for the correct medical diagnosis. Yeah well, to put it plainly, I served less than 3/4 of the diagnosis. You're welcome, doctor.

The experience I had was hilarious, though. These women whom I diagnosed weren't hesitant at all about giving their personal information. They just lay it all in front of you. Some were even like, "Can I share a story?", and well, since I thought there was no harm to it, I said, "Of course". And oh wow, she told me the time when she first used spiral. I'm never gonna use spiral. Never.

Not only did I got the opportunity of doing anamnesis, but I also won a chance to see the insides of the vagina of a woman which almost developed into cancer, if not treated right then. I wasn't disgusted at all, since, I thought, I've got the same organ. She had to be treated right away but before that, her husband had to sign an informed consent first. Why the husband? Because after the treatment, the couple's not allowed to have sex for approximately a month. In other words, the husband had to sign an agreement of controlling his romantic lust over his wife for 30 days without cheating on her. At least that's how I look at it.

Ironically, after that exhausting day came to an end. I found myself looking forward to holding this project I'm responsible to run.

So, fellas, wish me luck on not screwing up.