5.03.2012

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There is something mentally wrong with me.

I've been either sleeping too much or haven't been sleeping at all.
I've been skipping meals. I've been skipping showers.
I'm letting my room filthy like a cow's barn.
I've been watching 'House' on my laptop for 10 hours straight, on bed.
I haven't been drinking coffee.
I don't feel like bonding with anyone. I've become a loner. Though, my friends won't let me be all alone. Wait, that opposes the sentence of being a loner. But still, I'm not in exactly in a frame of mind of having social interactions.
Even when asked for a human response, I'd talk nicely. But inside, I feel like screaming. I'm not being emo.
I frown a lot lately. Even when I smile, it's not the same one with the one I wear in the past.
I've been incredibly unproductive. I don't play guitar anymore. Or mess up with photos with photoshop. Or do origami. Wait, I never really do origami.
I've been easily distracted.
I can't concentrate. I can't study.
I'm completely unmotivated.
I'm full of guilt and hate as well.
I'm broken-hearted and I'm miserable.
I need anti-depressants but I don't like solid-formed pills.

Why am I listing all these depressing symptoms? Hmm, well, just in case I get 'sick' again in the future, I'd remember how I handled this. Except that, I haven't come up with any appropriate psychological treatment.

So, what's the problem?
It's probably revolving around my personal life. Of course, it's always been about my personal life, I've always been selfish.

THEORY 1: I'm No Good at the Academic Shiz
So medical school is hard. Everyone knows that. But not everyone is as determined as I was, when i was a freshman, to get an average mark of an A. My spirits were strikingly high at that time, I wonder what suppressed it. Maybe the materials I'm learning one by one have successfully convinced me that medical school is hard indeed, and there's no way I can get an A. Why am I so obsessed with getting an A? Because I'm dying to please my parents who are working their asses off to pay my obnoxiously expensive school fee. And that they still have three younger kids to feed and educate. I just want to deliver them good news and prove that their hard work isn't in vain. But I've failed. I'm not smart enough to gain an A. I give up, and so those symptoms gradually begin to reveal themselves.

THEORY 2: Dying Romance
What do you do when you fall for someone whom you completely realize isn't a person you'll ever get along with? Especially when you're all demanding, moody, and emotional and he's all for world peace and serenity.  How do you handle it when a person who used to care so much about you suddenly says that he couldn't anymore because he couldn't even care about his life, probably after you reveal your worst quality? He might have felt all gaggy or simply disgusted by your weakness in letting out your anger. Why were you angry anyways? Well, I wasn't angry. I was hurt. Of course, these two past sentences would sound so lame to you, so melancholic and overrated. I needed attention. And who the heck doesn't want attention from the person they love? Why are you so stupid? Why am I more stupid than you? I'm double stupid. I'm stupid in the matter of love and the academics. I can't even figure out a good subtitle for this paragraph. I totally suck at everything. If I suck at everything then I don't need to try my best at anything because I know I'll screw up anyways. I don't need to eat nor take a shower nor clean my bedroom nor nor nor nor nor *symptoms appearing*.

I suck at ending a blog post too. So I'll just probably go without typing a farewell speech.