Two days away from going back to Cairo to meet my family and get rid of the hectic life in Jakarta. Almost every aspect of my life is ruined ever since I've started living here. My social, love, and academic life. I need to go back to my childhood place. I know this is like running away, but.. I just need this, for two months. It's just been so overwhelming.

Friends get on with their lives and focus on it, and we barely contact each other anymore. Lovers move to a comfortable place and settle with that, not wanting anything to jeopardize the serenity. Everyone secludes themselves once they get their hands on something that fulfills their life.

Everyone except my family.

It's easier to let go of our false hopes and face the ugly facts. Quite a relief. And so I'm waving my hands to them. Hi & goodbye.



Who could've guessed that watching Spiderman, I mean, The Amazing Spiderman (not to mention a lusty one), has somehow helped me figure myself out a little. God, it's always been about me, hasn't it? I know I'm a self-centered person, you can close this window and go back to scrolling your facebook homepage.

I cried watching The Amazing Spiderman, even though at the early scenes I was laughing like a disgusting pig. Thank God it was just tears, without the sobs or any of the other over-reactive gestures. But well, crying itself was an overreaction dammit.

So at the end of the movie, I got myself thinking, why on earth did I cry. I cried when *SPOILER ALERT* Spiderman's girlfriend's dad, who was chasing down Spiderman, made him promise to stay away from his daughter. Yeah, okay, that was a heavy promise. But it was a fake one, Karina. It's just one of the lines of which those actors have to say wholeheartedly to gain a thousand dollars. Alright, I'm aware of that. But still, that particular scene is so likely to happen to anyone anytime, right? It's not totally fictional. What if it happens to me? What if I was told to promise not to let you-know-who (not Voldemort, you idiot) get involved in my life? (which is possible, since my life is too dull.) To be honest, I'd never be able to make that promise.

Actually, I don't know.

For all I know, I just realized that I'm actually quite a sensitive person. Majorly sensitive. I'm sure some of the people whom I meet everyday would disagree to that statement, most of them would. I've been acting heartless and cold. Possibly because I don't like or I don't care (I don't know which one exactly) how people live their typical life in this town. And every moment feels like a waste without my family and you-know-who. So let's try to put that into the Spiderman movie inciden

Let's review the scene. I, the most self-centered lady on earth, am watching The Amazing Spiderman. I'm always consciously aware that all commercials and the movie which is about to start is fictional. Whatever the ending is, it's completely made up. So, I don't care. But I can't help to care sometimes because apparently our fascinating brain is never shut down, even during a movie it works and thinks about what's gonna happen. Conclusion? If my mind is simply acting that way during a movie, I can't imagine how it's acting in real life. All this time I thought I don't give a single crap about anything, well, I know now that I do. And it's involuntary, I can't help it.

I think this quality should be inside every doctor and health care provider. I mean, they both deal with strangers' problem that's usually critical, and therefore, they must care.

Overall, I like the old version of Spiderman better, I didn't come up with anything like this at least when I watched it. Nor did I shed a stupid tear.



Swear to God, I'm not gonna talk about porn. This will be partially medical.

A couple of days ago I've had another adventurous medical experience. I've participated in the event of circumcision, as the instrument. So, let me explain it briefly. Circumcision is a minor surgery which IS NOT about cutting the length of your penis (if you have one), but to remove a particular skin on it that's usually been dirty probably because you have been so careless about washing it after you pee ever since you're little. And if you're not circumcised it will become even filthier and it will be so likely to develop an infection and no one's gonna want to have sexual intercourse with you because it would be yucky to have an STD (but that is if you bring up the topic to your partner, so it's never a good idea to talk about circumcision with her or him *in case if you're gay* *in case if you really are gay, please leave a message in my cbox on the right side of this post, I really wanna have a gay friend*).

Just a reminder here, the circumcision I was at was held by members of Stunica (Student Union of International Class) in the Faculty of Medicine of Universitas Indonesia. And it was a manual one. So we didn't use technological weapon to cut off the skin of the penis (as in: laser), but we used scalpels, tweezers, scissors, catgut, and most importantly, our own hands (which were, thankfully, had to be covered with handschoen/medical gloves to keep everything sterile). Every process of circumcision on one kid should be handled by at least three people which are the operator (basically the leader of the whole surgery who does all the stitching and the complicated stuff), co-operator (who assists the operator by controlling bleeding *if there's any* and handing the tools), and the instrument (who's the heaver, prepares all the tools needed and isn't allowed to even touch the tools because even though the instrument wears handschoen, his/her hands still remain un-sterile).

Since I was only in my first year, I was only capable of being the instrument. The operator and her co-operater were third year students. Even though I didn't accomplish much, observing the whole process was hella interesting. I wasn't even disgusted when I saw this kid's penis which was rarely washed. I was also lucky because the kid I got didn't shed an innocent tear through the whole surgery, while the kid next door cried in pain like a woman in labor. He was scared at first but we told him not to look and not to move or it will take longer to finish the damn thing (which is true). So, the whole time he just covered his whole face with this blanket which brought along. And the funny thing was when he got scared, he covered his face with the blanket so intensely and suddenly yelled, the operator and the co-operator thought that something they did hurt the kid, but then he only cried because he couldn't breathe through his blanket. It shouldn't really hurt, in fact, the kid shouldn't really feel anything because we've sedated him. It's all psychological when he appears to be crying in pain.

Anyways, the one thing that bugged me during the event was when I got another kid who had just been circumcised but 20 minutes later had a bleeding in his penis. This was the most hysterical kid, even though he hadn't cried the whole time he was circumcised and was showing a really patient expression that makes you just fall in love with his innocence. I was the instrument but there was this fourth year student who took over my position just because she though I was useless. How could you be useless when you're just an instrument? The job desk is just so simple that, I bet, even my thirteen year old brother can do it. She didn't really say I was useless but I could now read people's expression. It was that or she just wanted to participate in the most frantic case. But seriously, I mean, you shouldn't be taking over someone's position who is trying to learn when obviously you've experienced it a zillion times before. Especially when it's already too easy for a fourth year student who's supposed to be in the clinical year.

But I didn't let her ruin my day. I had a great one and I'm looking forward to the day I'll become an operator and have the penis all for myself.



God, my life is sad.

I know I'm blessed. I can fill my stomach, I can buy stuff for mum and my darling siblings, I have great friends, not to mention, a very caring grandmother, I don't have a terminal disease (as far as I know), and I'm not disabled.

But why oh why is he disturbing my life!?

So, because nobody really understands, or I really suck at explaining my emotions, I'm gonna spill all the beans here.

I can never understand him. One minute he says it's alright to be clingy, and the next second he doesn't like it when I depend on him. What does he actually want? All I want is to be with him like in the old days. It feels so wrong to be like this now, faraway from each other, mentally.

I'm just actually disappointed. The only thing I've been looking forward to this year is to see him in June/July but my wish can't be granted, and I can't even estimate the year when we can meet up. I mean, I know we're only 4000 miles away from each other's foot. But I still hate the distance. I want him to be here but he doesn't even feel conscious about it. Yeah, maybe that's what's bugging me, that he doesn't know I still want him.

But I know he doesn't want me anymore. I know I'm so full of pressure and anger, and I'm not loving or gentle. I'm an insensitive bitch, I know. At least I'm self-conscious; what I am will never be enough for him.

I know I can go find someone else to fall for, but like Katy Perry says, how do I get better once I've had the best? I can't seem to hold on to anybody else and being like this reminds me of feeling homesick. Because maybe I've found another individual, besides my family, that would make me feel so comfortable and homey.

I can't exactly tell him all of these. He'll just take it as a burden or another pressure I'm trying to press on him. But actually no, this is just me revealing how I feel, as a human. This will always stay here, unsaid.