1.31.2014

MY UNKIND RANT

Hey..

*sigh*

I think I'm at the lowest point of my life. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just being all sensitive... getting near the end of my menstrual cycle.

I do have problems right now. Or challenges, for an optimist. But I think every ounce of optimism in me has drained off, leaving nothing but despair. They say that a pessimist sees the glass half empty, and I see it completely empty. I don't think I feel desperate, though. I don't know what this feels. All I can say is, I'm not really looking forward to anything in life, unwilling to fight for anything.

I had plans. I can still carry them out but... God, like I said, I'm not looking forward to anything. And its just.. not right to execute something without really being into it, you know. I think that's a downside of me. But it's still me, I can't get rid of it. I wish some people can understand that and have some goddamn tolerance.

I'm ill, by the way. Apparently there has been something 'growing' inside my right breast, cysts and a single calcified nodule. The latter one has been my source of pain in the chest. The doctor hasn't been able to conclude what it is yet, because I still have to do a breast MRI. It hurts, but it's tolerable. I think the idea of not knowing what it is, is what annoys the heck of me.

You know, the bad thing about being sick, is how you tend to make it as a reason, or an excuse, to anything you doubt on accomplishing. And the worst thing is how most people can let you get away with it without even understanding it, even worse, not accepting it, let alone bother understanding it. My grandma's right, when you're ill, you're on your own, no one is there to share your pain, not even your parents. And so, no one really understands. Of course the moment you tell them you're ill, they'd sympathize and all. But later when it comes to a moment where we all have to work for their own benefit, people just suddenly deny that, oh, you're ill, Karina.

Sometimes being ill really turns you into a selfish person. Or maybe I'm just originally selfish, you know best. I'm at my selfishest moment right now, I really don't give a shit about what's happening there and I don't care about the fact that if I don't do what I'm supposed to do, someone's life is getting ruined.

So, what is it that you want, Karina? People suffering as well so that they could 'understand' your pain? I certainly don't want that. If I could make that a wish and it comes true, I'd regret wishing for it. I wish people could just stop say 'get well soon' when I perfectly know that these cysts aren't ever gonna disappear. Sometimes I hesitate telling my condition to some people because I just really despise it when they say things like, 'I hope you get better'. God, what more do people on this planet want than getting better?! I wish they could just stop saying it to me and just silently mention it in their prayers for the love of God. God, I hate basa basi. I can imagine how patients diagnosed with terminal disease react in their mind when people just visit them and say, 'get well soon'. Sarcastic visitors.

I'm so evil.

It's not the physical pain that is torturing, no. It's the feeling of.. not having accomplished anything in life and yet this trial has to occur while I'm in the middle of getting somewhere.

1.21.2014

2 DEKADE, 1 TAHUN DAN 22 HARI - ULANG TAHUNMU

Hey, Karina,

Kau sudah menginjak umur 21 tahun sekarang, terlepas dari postur tubuhmu yang masih terlihat seperti anak SMP dan kerut wajahmu yang tampak lebih tua dari usiamu yang sebenarnya.

Kau ingat saat kau masih kecil? Kau ingin cepat-cepat mencapai usia ini, karena saat itu kau berpikir kau akan lebih bebas menjelajah dan berkelana, membuat keputusan-keputusanmu sendiri tanpa siapapun dapat mengaturmu. Tak terasa, sekarang kau sudah menginjak usia ini. Yah, karena itu jalanilah setiap momen yang kau lalui dengan sungguh-sungguh, toh momen itu akan cepat sekali berlalu, seperti kedipan mata. Dan kini, pasti rasanya seolah-olah kau ingin kembali ke masa kecilmu, tidak? Karena kini kau memikul tanggungjawab yang besar sehingga kau sadar sendiri bahwa untuk memenuhi hal itu, kau tak bebas menjelajah dan berkelana, dan betul, kau memang membuat keputusan-keputusanmu sendiri, tetapi konsekuensi dari pilihanmu akan kau tanggung sendiri pula, ya kan?

Perlu kau sadari, Karina, bahwa kejadian-kejadian dalam hidup yang telah kau lalui hingga sekarang patut kau syukuri. Selalulah ingat untuk bersyukur.

Sekarang,
kau sedang menuntut ilmu di bidang yang tak kau sangka sebelumnya bisa kau jalani,
kau telah dipertemukan dengan muka-muka baru yang kini berharga bagimu, mereka semua telah memberimu kenangan dan pelajaran, melukis hidupmu dengan penuh warna
kau telah diberikan pengalaman-pengalaman yang langka, yang belum pernah kau alami, yang menanamkan dan menguatkan sikap dan kepribadian yang berkualitas dalam dirimu.

Ah, banyak sekali yang harus kau syukuri, Karina.
Kau tahu, kau harus melakukan itu, lagipula sepertinya kau semakin jauh saja Darinya. Mendekatlah, kau akan kembali Padanya. Yakinlah dengan itu. Ingatlah dengan itu.

Ingatlah, Karina,
bahwa yang sekarang kau alami, tidak pernah terbesit dalam pikiran atau hatimu, kalaupun ya, tak pernah kau sangka bisa kau raih,
selalu akan ada tantangan baru, harapan baru,
janganlah berhenti berharap, berusaha, dan berdo'a,
Ingat bahwa kau pernah melangkahi batas itu,
dengan restunya tentu saja.

Karina,
sayangilah dirimu.
Buktikanlah itu melalui gestur-gestur sederhana,
bekalilah dirimu dengan sarapan setiap hari, istirahatlah secukupnya,
jagalah kebersihan ruanganmu agar kau senantiasa dalam keadaan sehat.
Ayolah, Karina,
Kau tidak akan bisa menyayangi orang lain jika kau tak menyayangi dirimu terlebih dulu.

Kau masih kurang menghargai banyak hal:
waktu,
orang-orang terdekatmu,
dan dirimu sendiri

Dewasalah, Karina.