4.13.2017

Update on Emotions

As you can see, right now I've been caught up with my life as a medical student undergoing clinical rotation in Jakarta. I've left Newcastle 6 months ago, and it still aches to remember the day when my roommates helped me pack my suitcase until the next morning I really had to get to the airport. I still remember it rained that day, and I recall the mixed emotions I had between sadness on leaving the city and excitement on meeting my family in London (for only two days). But I was pretty sure the sadness weighed more, because I did not have the slightest interest to return to Jakarta (except to obligingly continue my studies and spend more time with Afdal). I was pretty much settled on living with the girls, it was comfortable, and I did not have to pretend anything. It is weird that in the midst of diversity and foreignness, I found true comfort and genuine acceptance.

Today, I can honestly say I haven't felt that emotional comfort for awhile. I meet Afdal or a few of my best friends once or twice a week during the weekends, and in those times I pretty much feel content. But the rest of the weekdays I spent at the hospital with a majority of people whom are just difficult to deal with just drains me emotionally. I don't even find studying an issue, nor the examiners. But meeting these people everyday and constantly going through conversations that just seem superficial (cause lots of the talks are just about digging into other people's lives) just sickens me. I just don't meet people with any sincerity or integrity at all, and I end up with people who get cranky when they're provided constructive criticism and go on bitching behind your back.

I've decided to write this in here, because writing has always provided me relief. I've also decided that it is better to keep this to myself, because opening up to people just invites offers of solutions. It's really hard to find somebody to just sit and listen to what you're saying and really just accept it without trying to fix things as if I need to be fixed. Emotions are real, they do not need to be mended nor forced to be looked at from different angles cause they're real just the way they are.

So, my plan right now is to just finish what I'm going through. Get my medical degree. Get USMLE. And finally, get out of here. :)

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