dear human beings,

PROMOTED AS A UNIVERSITY STUDENT

2012-01-06T19:15:00.000+02:00

Just when I don't know where to throw up my thoughts, this blog becomes the one that can tolerate them.

Early Moments

Charity Event

Orientation

I'm trying to adapt to the life of being a university student. It's pretty harsh and serious. A lot more serious than high school phase, when the assignments don't use regulated references such as vancouver and had no specific formats in space, fonts, and whatever, when exams are guaranteed for you to pass, and most importantly, when the teacher explains every single detail you need to know in the materials. Academics in university life is highly broad, especially medicine. The lecturer (not called as the teacher anymore, and I'm about to mention why) does not provide the full knowledge. In other words, as a university student, I have to dig in myself.

Social life is dramatically different as well. I'm not sure if it is because I have never really dealt with pure Indonesian colleagues before or background diversity, or if it's because the age factor. Well, apparently, college students are adult learners, so I'm basically dealing with adults too, and to tell you the truth, most of them are surprisingly... how do you say it? Mature? Cooked? With all the sense of leadership, highly structured thoughts and charismatic talent. I feel like I'm in a different zone, that is not meant for people like me, who obviously has no leadership qualification and stutters when is told to deliver a public speech. I have an exceedingly low quality of soft skill. There's so much to learn from these people.

Apparently, university phase is where I'm pushed to develop the soft skills I'm lacking, through student unions and organizations, as well as events conducted by students. Well, I think this particular part in the university is the most appealing one to me. Since, during my high school period, I was rarely involved with those type of activities. Well, there were activities of those kinds but... not as intense, as frequent and as structured as it is in the university.

Other than those, there are other colleagues who seem to shockingly develop shallower thoughts than mine. People who judge others by appearance, background, and who they're dating with. Some others are plainly opportunists who take friendships for granted to selfishly gain a qualified academic performance without much effort. Some also who act incredibly spoiled and let other team mates do the work without offering any assistance. And the rest just don't have any opinions upon anything. I mean, come on! As a university student, don't you want to get rid of the past attributes of being dependent to others? Don't you have a sense of a slight liberty of expressing your criticism? Do you directly agree and choose to memorize it all blindly just to get an A on your test? Because honestly, I do think that grades still matter of course, but I care more towards whether if I'm still able to grasp and store the things I've been studying and save it for my professional years of being a doctor. There's no time to judge people if you think about those stuff.

It's hard to build a trusted friendship in university. Everyone seem to act as opportunists. I know this thought is not right and when I'm aware of it, I immediately banish it. But eventually, I regret doing so. Because after they've reached their targeted benefits, they leave you just like that. You can't reject assistance, that would be rude. But you can't also be too naive. So, I end up befriending everyone in my batch. I do have a group of people who I hang out with frequently, but they're not really the type of people I expect to personally open up with. Typically, they're the ones who open up and I just act as a good listener. I don't really mind this, in fact, I'm comfortable with this role I'm playing. My personal life is totally segregated.

I totally haven't gotten the hang of university lifestyle yet, since I still act like a high school student (and obviously still look like one). Adaptation is a process. I'm not halfway there yet, but I'm enjoying the process.

I do know, though, that the most crucial point of surviving college life is to maintain a good eating habit.

EID MUBARAK 1432/2011

2011-09-01T08:30:00.004+02:00

On this blessed occasion, I say to all of my families, my friends, my colleagues, the person who hurts me the most but also gives the biggest joy to my life, to the people whom I just have met and to the strangers I pass by on the sidewalk,

Happy Eid El-Fitr! May all of our prayers and Iman duties we've been carrying out pure heartedly are accepted by Allah SWT.

I apologize sincerely for all the wrongs I did to anyone, whether they were intentional or not, whether in form of deeds or spoken words. Let's end all the hatred and conflicts peacefully, and start a fresh page :)

I don't normally share pictures, but.. ah well :))

me and my grandma,

who's been kindly taking good care of me in Indonesia

me and my cousins,

who are living under the same roof

left to right: my uncle, my ugly self, my grandma, my aunt, my cousins

my... family :))

Okay. Chao.

PERSONAL RANTINGS #AVOID

2011-08-28T19:09:00.003+02:00

Some people never stick to their words.

One day, you spend enjoyable and unforgettable moments with them, even fall for them, and they happen to feel the same way to you too, even promise to never let you go.

The next day, you leave town and they shed tears, even wrote a sweet letter, again, full of promises.

The following week, everything still seems okay. They're still in contact with you, still keeping their words.

The next two months, they're hardly there to spare their time with you, even when they aren't so busy. You just become unworthy.

Yes, that is life with it's bullshit. I'm so tired.

FOR MY PARENTS

2011-08-24T23:43:00.002+02:00

This might turn out to sound like I'm dying. But then, who knows anything about death besides Allah, anyways? The angel of death might just pick me up at any moment without me having to face any symptoms of any disease. So here it goes.

To Baba and Mama.

First of all, with full sincerity and frankness, I'm so lucky to have you both as my parents. Not because I've never experienced having any other parent, I don't need to live with another parent to do comparison. Because I'm deeply sure that no other parents will take care of me the way you did and still do. You are the best parents in the whole universe, and I'm a very blessed child for that.

In other families, people usually express their love to their family with physical affection. Like hugs and kisses. I used to kiss my mom when I was small until I'm in junior high. I stopped kissing her. Why? Not because I don't love her anymore, but somehow it's cause I felt I wasn't good enough, that I could express better than just a smooch on her cheek. I expressed it with helping her in the kitchen, cleaning the house, taking care of my siblings and many other housework to minimize her burden. I also treated Mom as my best friend, I shared stories and so did she. She still does till now. And I know that she always looks forward to our girly conversations. And so do I. Both my Mom and I are nocturnal. Whenever I couldn't sleep in my darkest nights and walked out of my room heading to the living room, I'd see her on the sofa reading interior magazines, and we'd just talk and talk till one of us felt drowsy already.

Ever since I was a toddler, whenever I see my Mom cry, I cry. It still happens until now. The most devastating scene for me is to see my parents cry. I hardly saw my dad shed a tear, not because he was heartless, but because he picked to act like a true family leader, to always look strong in front of his family. To me, my dad was and is a real leader whom I'll always look upon. And I think that was why I wanted him to run for a president when I was really small. And all his reply was "Of course Baba will replace the president next year".

My dad always encouraged and still does encourage me in doing any activities that fit with hobbies. Especially if they were academic. And he knows how to motivate people, inspire them with words mixed with humor. All of my friends who have heard him give a speech have either been inspired or entertained. Or both. Even when I'm a thousand miles away from him like now, he'd still support me with wise words whenever I felt like I couldn't achieve anything. He'd reply my text in not more than five minutes. I'm someone who's easily amused. But not easily stimulated. The one person who can amuse and stimulate me at the same time is my dad.

In truth, even when I graduate university, become the best medical doctor in the world, gain the highest salary every month and send it all to them, bring them on a tour around the galaxy, those... wouldn't be enough to thank them for raising me as i am. And in truth, good parents never ask back for the money they've spent on raising you and on your education, they only want to still be part of your life, to still be treated respectfully, to be taken care of when they've become toothless and unable to walk on their foot, to still be loved in the middle of your hectic life that is filled with work schedules and your new built family needs.

In my case, when my mom will be in her eighties, she'll probably still want to read interior magazine and hopes for me to join her in a girl talk conversation in the living room at late night. And for now, I can only pray to Allah, to not get so completely devoted to my future career and other worldly events and enjoyments, so not to miss my main duty of returning my parents' good and honorable deeds and spend a fraction of my time with them. All that I'm going to achieve in near or far future, are my expressions of gratitude towards my parents.

To Baba and Mama, I love you.

MIRACLES HAPPEN EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T BELIEVE

2011-08-17T23:39:00.004+02:00

After a long struggle and hopeless nights, thanks to Allah, I've finally passed the selection test of Universitas Indonesia in medicine!

Yes, after five years approximately Imma play with people's internal organs and save lives.

It's been such a tough month. I was so devastated when I took the first Simak Test and didn't pass the selection to be a medical student. I've given in to Civil Engineering and I've even started participating in freshmen activities (the period before starting college where you're bawled at, blamed at, insulted and humiliated by seniors). They claim this period as 'adaptation'. Well, I owe this 'adaptation' part and my new engineering friends a lot really because they've made me fall for Universitas Indonesia and frankly, I would have settled comfortably in engineering even if I hadn't passed the selection in medicine. Even before the announcement of the selection appeared, I always smiled proudly whenever I passed the pillar that spelled Universitas Indonesia. To be a part of it, is certainly a personal pride.

But as always, Allah Almighty has given me blessings a lot more than I deserve. Alhamdulillah.

Not long after that, one of my really kindest friends brought me the news that there's another Simak Test referred only to students who are applying for the International Program in Universitas Indonesia, and without hesitation, I applied for it and took the Test. It's still crystal clear in my memory, that when I took the test, I was barely conscious. The test was extremely difficult and I was sleep deprived, so during the test I sort of fell a sleep for seconds and woke up and drifted out again and so on. Finally when the supervisor announced that the time was up and to put all our 2B pencils down (mine was already on the floor), I handed in the paper with complete bleakness, bearing in mind that there was no way I was going to pass this test and that I was already a slave to Civil Engineering.

And a week after that, the miracle final announcement showed up with my name on the list. Alhamdulillah.

I'm also a bit sad because I've already gotten close to colleagues from engineering. I've gotten used to being around them doing a bundle of tasks ordered by the seniors. If I wasn't accepted in medicine, I would've been the only female in the Civil Engineering Class of 2011 International Program. And to me, it could've been a great adventure. Haha.

In fact I'm missing them already since I no longer participate in the 'adaptation' doings.

By the way, I'm currently staying at the university dormitory. It's quiet challenging living so independently like this. And the two toughest problems to me are time management and money saving. I've become such a crazy shopaholic woman since I've arrived in Jakarta.

I basically get so excited whenever I see a discount rate. And you know how it comes out, you just buy everything that's on discount and you eventually reach a really high price. But to me it's totally worth it! And it just occurred to me that my parents back in Cairo are working their sweat out hard to pay for my education, not for my Polos. So I'm really trying to gain self-control here.

They say that waking up is the hardest part. Here I say it literally. Really, I think I have waking up problems because apparently all types of alarm clocks don't work for me. I bet a few of those people whom I've asked to 'ring me till I reject' have regretted to have been friends with me. Hahahahah.

So help me God. Have a healthy life, people.

NEW LEVEL

2011-06-20T22:09:00.002+02:00

This blog totally feels like home. To be honest, I’ve created a Tumblr account a couple of days ago, and despite how simpler than Blogspot it functions, I end up coming back here. Well, I assume it’s mainly because I’ve written most of the important events of my life since how many years it’s been. And it’s a waste to abandon it. And it’s also unfair to Blogspot which has been patiently coping with my teenage drama these whole years. Hehh, I’m sorry I’ve betrayed you, Blogspot.

So, life goes on. And I’m no longer a teenager. I still do act like one though. The difference is that, I’m currently forced to live a lifestyle of a more mature and autonomous person; I don’t live with my parents anymore (although I’m under grandma’s roof, who is the parent of one of my parents), I’m a million light years away from them, I have my own credit card, I’m more careful in spending money, I go almost everywhere by myself in a city I barely recognize and coincidentally reported to have a high percentage of criminal actions, my breasts are getting bigger (what? This is totally part of being mature), and I take care of every academic requirements for university enrollments by myself, and I only contact my parents if I have financial problems. Or mental issues such as feeling homesick. In which, I have been having quite recently.

I’m shifting to a new phase of life now and it still feels unfamiliar. I still long for the life I lived in Cairo, simply because it was home. I don’t know how my classmates –who are also out there admitting to several universities-, have gotten over the strange sensation in a short period of time, while I’m still stuck in it desperately. Although, sometimes a good way of covering it is to hang out in crowded places and look for nice things to buy. There are so many tasty food and unique items available throughout the countless shops and stalls in Jakarta. There are too many of them that they could distract your melancholic thoughts even temporarily.

I just might get over it, I don’t know when.

So here’s my Reaching-For-Success (RFS) Plan, since I’m dying to study medicine, and observing the challenging process of getting into the faculty, I’ve decided to apply for the New Students Selection Exam of Indonesian University, which is famously abbreviated as Simak Test, an excruciatingly difficult test for an average-minded student like me. I’m still very pessimistic concerning it. Reasonably, the highest passing grade falls on the faculty of medicine. Which, is the faculty I’m dying for. Gosh. How can I ever…. Nevermind.

Technically, if I don’t pass that one, I’m also applying for Cairo University. Although, I’m really having second thoughts about it, despite that I’ll be taking the courses in Cairo, with my family, with my familiar sensation. You just wonder that, wouldn’t it be a waste if I spent half of my life in one place?

Anyways, Cairo University is still on the list.

Well, if I don’t get accepted neither in Indonesian University through Simak Test, nor in Cairo University, then I’ll be taking civil engineering of which I'm already accepted in from the beginning.

And I’ll be miserable by then.

Okay it’s getting late and I have an early class of Simak tomorrow. Of which I’m not so looking forward to despite having many friends already.

PARANOIA

2011-05-25T13:05:00.002+02:00

Hello, world.

Ah, that's a boring introduction, too typical. But that doesn't really matter now, because I'm about to write down the major changes of my life right now. It also doesn't matter who reads it or if nobody's reading it, but at least I could remember how my life went on when one day I become an old lady and read this blog of mine.

So, time flies, earth rotates, and I graduate. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I've graduated high school. Although, I would prefer saying I graduated school. Cuz you don't go to school anymore once you graduate high school. (D'OH)

I'm back in Indonesia. Jakarta, particularly. It's been more than a week, and I miss Egypt like crazy! Well quite reasonable because my whole family and the rest of my friends are still living there. It was a hell of a painful experience leaving them. Well, I guess you have to sacrifice some things to achieve success and make those people whom you left be proud of you when you get back.

To tell you the truth, I don't have any single idea on how to achieve success in Jakarta. Everything is freaking complicated, except if your wallet is as thick as your hairs in your armpit. Everything will be processed in an instant with MONEY. Gosh, people are so materialistic here.
Getting into a good university is a hard work too. It's easy of course if you get an invitation from certain universities, like how I got into the University of Indonesia. But I think I mentioned it clearly that the chosen major wasn't really my choice. *sigh*

I want to study medicine. I want to be a doctor who saves lives like in those soap operas. I want to be a doctor so that I could touch people's body.

Okay, scratch the last sentence.

I think, that's the reason why I'm here. I'm taking another university entrance exam to get into medicine. Although, come to think about it, there are better medical faculties in Egypt. I really don't know why I'm here.

Hehhhh. This stage of my life is hard.

Sometimes, you think you're interested in this field but you're worried one day the interest will fade away and you'll get bored and you won't get a job because you feel dull already and all of the years you've been studying is in vain! Oh I'm really sweating hard to avoid that. But making decisions has already been difficult to me. I don't know what I'll become. Who knows if I entered engineering and become a great engineer with a high salary? or if I entered medicine and getting a post is a struggle because people don't really consult with doctors unless it's a serious matter, and I wonder about unemployed and the six years I've been studying medicine are used for nothing?

I feel a bit panicky here.

But maybe, I should just try what's ahead of me now. I'll study engineering. I'll take the exam for medicine. And see what happens.

Wish me a good unpredictable career life.

WHERE IS MY SELF-ESTEEM

2011-04-10T02:05:00.004+02:00

I admit, I have been such a whore. That is the one significant word that would completely describe who I've been recently. No, it's not related to my virginity.

Yes, I'm still a virgin. But a bitch at the same time.

Only, what's truly ironic, the ones who appear to love me, didn't mind that, or maybe they haven't been conscience about it. One person realized it though. And I deserve all the humiliation and sinister looks she's been giving to me. I know that deep inside her, she's a truly nice person. And upon seeing me as not one of her kind... Yeah, that explains.

Through this stage of my life, I've come to realize the meaning of unconditional love with `the help of an anime.

Yes, an anime. A Japanese cartoon. Life can be unpredictably ironic.

I tell you, it's not just any anime. Although understanding the plot requires a high intelligence or lots of thinking, but it actually involves a number of morals and ethics too. That even a moron like me would get the message.

And so, recently, after I've watched a certain episode (specifically, episode 12), I came to realize that the time I've been spending with a particular person, could've been replaced with doing something more... what do you call it? useful? worthwhile? advantageous? whatever, you get the point. Although I couldn't deny that those were blissful moments, but disgraceful.

Apparently, this person seemed to have realized it earlier than I did. How? because he was the one who introduced me to this anime. After an interval of time, we just decided to stop continuing the hidden scandal. And it was a hell of a brilliant idea, which I only realized that now.

But what amazes me, his feelings are still strong towards me. Despite my negative waves, despite all of my disgusting and unforgivable behaviours, despite my continuously crashing crashing down his spirit, despite my idiocy and for not being one of the smartest girls, despite my messy and stupidly daring haircut, he still loves me much more than I love him. For a straight A student and a wise gentleman like him, he deserves a whole lot better than me.

But I'm a selfish person, because if you were me, you wouldn't give up on someone like him either. Not because he fits perfectly in your category of "The Man of My Dreams", but because nobody will love me more than he does.

What a stupid post. I should've used my time for studying. My national exam is in a week.

CIVIL THOUGHT

2011-03-02T23:50:00.000+02:00

I've been wanting to update my silent blog for weeks, but I was always burdened with academic preparations and other issues. I really should be studying right now for the upcoming National Exam which, apparently, causes stress and depression for the entire 12th grade students wherever they are, preparing to face it in this April. Not to mention university enrollments and entrance examinations.

Oh talking about college stuff, I got accepted at the Indonesian University. Major? Don't ask. Civil engineering. Long story.

This is so ironic. A year ago, when I was reading through college majors to predict which one I'd probably be interested at choosing it next year (which, hasn't really helped much in the "next year"), I spotted 'Civil Engineering' and I remembered thinking and whispering "what the hell is this major about? I don't like the way it sounds, there's no way I'm picking this one," and then I said some bad words which I don't think would be proper if I typed it in here.

But, eventually and finally, I faced the fact that I'm about to study how many bricks a particular building needs. Actually, in general, civil engineering studies teach you road, building and bridge structures, airport and harbor constructions, and those other stuff. (what stuff? I have no idea)
Basically, it's curriculum involves applied physics, basic chemistry, 3D drawing (I remember my old sketches of buildings n towers when I was 7, but I don't think they're qualified in this field), etc. (?!)

Okay. I may not know a lot from this major. YET. And I'm a bit scared. But looking on the bright side:

(1) This international system is a double degree (which will certainly be useful for getting a job later on).

(2) For the last two years, I'll be continuing my studies in Australia, a new place to explore. (but that depends on my grades, nevertheless...).

(3) The university has complete facilities, including swimming pools (yaay!).

(4) I can swim in the swimming pool everyday, for free.

(5) They're gonna teach us starting from the very basics. So no need to worry right now. It hasn't even started yet.

(6) A civil engineering graduate friend told me that you don't need to be so bright to survive (survive, he said) in this major, you just need to be freaking diligent.

(7) Dad is gonna be so exhilarated if he has an engineering graduate daughter. And that is enough to make up my mind about this.

(8) Besides, aren't you curious of knowing how many bricks does a building need? Of course you can get the answer from Uncle Google. But he's not gonna let you know the detailed process to the answer, is he?

And all that's left for me to do now is to graduate senior high. Wow, time does fly fast.

CHAOS IN THE LAND OF PHARAOS

2011-02-05T15:06:00.003+02:00

I bet the news is inevitable to hear, that the country I live in and the other Arabs, are currently facing their major modern political issues. You see, the President of Egypt, Husni Mubarak, has been ruling his democratic country for three point two decades. Looks more like an authoritarian country to me. So in consequence, since the 25th of January, his people had been creating a huge demonstration demanding his ouster, reconstruction of the government and changes of law. Tens of thousands of Egyptians protested everyday, particularly at this busy area called Tahrir Square. I tell you, it was chaos.

There were bad people who took advantage of the situation by stealing and robbing public and personal properties, including banks, malls, cars, etc. What's worse, when they were caught by the army one by one (the government didn't send polices on duties at that time, the condition was extremely critical because dozens of the polices were already attacked in the demonstration process, and apparently the culprits weren't even afraid of facing them anymore) and put to jail, thousands of them had managed to escape and spread among the city. Cairo was totally insecure at that moment, the government warned the citizens not to stroll in the streets starting from 3 PM. It was sort of like Zombieland. You know, where the zombies come out at night and eat whoever's wandering around.

Anyways, the Egyptian armies managed to detain 3000 out of the total fugitives. Thanks to the scattering helicopters and tanks of the military service. The robberies and theft rarely occurred after that. But the revolution still went on, despite Mubarak's continuous persuasive speeches declaring numerous reasons of why he still had to stick to his presidential position.

Many Egyptians were affected by Mubarak's speeches, because honestly, they were really convincing and quite logical. So, these people, who are called "Pro Mubarak" stood up for their president by confronting face to face with the "Anti Mubarak" (people who demanded his ousting) in Tahrir Square. The battle left bloodsheds everywhere. Lots of people died and the area was polluted with smokes, resulting from the fires they've made, and stones of which they'd used as a weapon. Hundreds of ambulances picked up the seriously injured protesters and armies tried to settle the riot until it was finally over.

According to the assumptions of my Egyptian mates, the escape of thousands of prisoners' scene and the dramatic show of "Pro & Anti Mubarak" was just a legitimate theater arranged by the government as to distract the protesters and maintain security. It was obvious that the political strategy didn't work the way they'd planned.
But actually, it was true that the situation in the city wasn't safe at all. Because when I was staying up late using my days off from school to its full potential, I heard a gunshot twice and I panicked (give a break for someone who heard a gunshot for the first time in her life, okay?), so I ran off to the balcony and saw a bunch of familiar men -who were also residents in my neighborhood- carrying tools (mainly baseball bats), and they were quarreling while snagging two or three strangers, I couldn't be sure, whom weren't around the neck of the woods. It turned out that the snatched bastards were thieves.

Eventually, after 18 days of demanding Mubarak to step down, he has finally announced his resignation on the eleventh February, and handed over the power to the Supreme Council of Armed Forces, who is a 75 year-old hard-faced bloke. And that was how the authoritarian regime ended.

Of course the Egyptians celebrated this incredible political momentum, which had drastically changed the political history of Egypt.

I went to Tahrir Square to witness the spot of the revolution itself, but I came two days late. So, when I'd arrived, the place was already in an early process of cleaning. But there were still a lot of army tanks and armies themselves, whom unfortunately refused our request of taking a photo together.

There were also posters of people who died in the middle of the revolution, and below their pictures there were written brief stories, as a sign of honor and gratitude. They are now considered as national heroes, of course, known as "Al-Syuhada", which the citizens had "immortalized" it by naming a metro station after it.

What amazed me and most other foreigners who followed the updates of this event was that the Egyptians, unlike any other countries rarely did, cleaned the mess they made in Tahrir Square. They swept the floors, painted the pavements, planted trees and stuff, and other things. Somehow, it proved how seriously they took this matter of their country, and how high the sense of patriotism they had.

Really, as a foreigner witnessing this whole event, is a once in a lifetime experience.

FUTURE PLANS

2010-12-25T03:13:00.003+02:00

2011's coming soon. And so that means, I'm getting bloody older by January. And it also means, 2010 is gonna be over *D'OH*. Gosh, this year's been like hell. Well, maybe for some months. I can't have possibly been frowning throughout the whole year. I guess the turning point was when four of my best friends flew back to Indonesia. But I think I got over that already. Thanks to some good people and my good self for taking the courage to overcome the loneliness. It all starts within you, don't they say so?

Okay, let's catch up with my not-so-interesting life. I don't know who reads this, except probably myself, after approximately 5 months, to see my life's progress. And I end up saying, "Ah well..".

A month ago, mom went to Indonesia with my brother and my sister. My dad flew back too, as usual every year, to work on an annual trading exhibition. But then he came back soon cuz his furlough was over. During those times without the presence of my mother, I learned how to cook (with extreme difficulties), how to wear proper clothes without my mom's fault-finding comments, how to manage time (even though I haven't completely mastered this one yet), how to wake up early without being shout at, how to take care of the house, how to commit sins knowing that no one's witnessing (okay you may scratch this one), and may more how-tos. Basically, I started to live independently.
Anyways, they're all back now bringing a new family individual. Yes, my mom's pregnant again.

Since I'm sitting at the last year of school *rolls eyes-still can't believe how time flies*, I'm beginning to face the college dilemma, every teenager's problem before getting on to the next major level. Exactly, the major. My parents want me to be a doctor. My math teacher wants me to be an architect. My Guru Bahasa Indonesia wants me to take philology. And myself has no idea on what to pick. I'm not even given the space to comment. I know they mean well, though, they do have the rights to provide directions. But am I not allowed to let my teeny tiny heart raise a squeaky voice? Of course I'm allowed. But my teeny tiny heart doesn't even know what field she's most interested in. Well, I am interested in medicine, except to satisfy my parents' wish, I'd like to be a pediatrician, cuz it also involves child psychology. The problem is that I'm aware that the faculty of medicine needs brilliant geeks with strong mentality and not be terrified of blood and corpses. What the shit I don't think I fit in with the category. But I'm quite sure that I'll willingly pass all of that along the tough road, just to fulfill my parents' hope.

I was, attracted by architecture. The whole idea seems nice and challenging. Despite the cost of the tools. Creativity is urgent. I can't even create a boat out of a paper. Meanwhile, philology sounds interesting too. But I don't think I wanna spend the rest of my life translating Bahasa Melayu.

Maybe the only solution is to get married young? Nah.

Oh right, about that. No, I'm not getting married to any rich man. Nor a penniless one. But I am a loser who's in love, with a loser who fell in love with a demanding loser like me. And I guess we're settled in being romantic losers.

Thanks for loving me at my worst.

Oh, before I forget, merry christmas and a happy new year! *sings Jingle Bells*

2010-11-21T00:34:00.003+02:00

I feel like typing something in here, but not sure what is there to say.

Idul Adha holiday is over now. There's school tomorrow and there's chemistry quiz coming up too, probably. But I don't know... I don't feel like reading through chemical stuff.
But I'm kind of excited about school tomorrow, even though I haven't been opening my books for awhile now. I guess staying at home just bores me to death (under circumstances of my mom and my siblings are currently in Indonesia) that being at school sounds a lot more fun.

I guess that's all there is to say.

ONE FINE DAY

2010-11-18T00:03:00.007+02:00

I'm gonna write about yesterday. Cuz simply, lots of great and major things happened. Conveniently, it was the first day of Eid El-Adha (or more known as, festival of sacrifice).

All the students at our school gathered their money to afford two goats. The sacrifice was held right on one day after the occasion. I wish I had the pictures but I was too lazy to bring my DSLR camera. It's heavy and I was afraid that the blood would drop all over it. (Hyper, I know).
We had decided that this major plan should be held at our own school, with some of the teachers too to help us, and the cooking would be taken care by the girls.
But the cooking part turned so complicated that the wives of the teachers also came to assist us in mixing the spices and stuff. It was more intricate than we had thought it would be. But all in all, the cooking was a good experience. And I'm really grateful to those people who teached us to be improved (or still amateur?) cooks.

After all the meals are fit for human consumption and the place looked bloodless and neat, we invited the ambassador, his staff and the parents. It was pleasant. Our headmaster's speech was encouraging, and the ambassador's was inspirational. I learned tons of things about life that day.

Now here comes the most extremely fun part.

After all the guests have gone home, we started cleaning literally everything. Starting from the dirty dishes, till mopping the floor of the playground. The cleaning process took 2 hours, ended at 11 PM. The result, as you may guess, (except for the fact our entire clothes were soaking wet), the place looked spotless. And no scent of goat corpse reeked anymore.

It was undoubtedly a priceless experience that I'm positive none of us would dream to forget.

Again, I wish I had the photos.

BIG SIGH

2010-10-30T00:12:00.001+02:00

Sometimes I just feel like xrdcfvkhnalfkjamlfajlcjlaksjmvlakeviufmleamaflnblajkr;nalrsaehfvaklshdfklvhenflksrinfkshfansrkfhkasrjfhkasjlvhrkfnr bnalsiflsirflamirfjmlaisrmfivmjisanfvljarlkfjsla;rfjnvsjlkfjlrkjf;alsjra;lkjrls;kajfl;jnlirsjf.

Ohhhhhh why can't people listen? Even to their loved ones?

WORST THURSDAY

2010-10-28T19:57:00.004+02:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/caryndrexl/2746443466

I missed Sumpah Pemuda ceremony. One of our most important national ceremonies.
I missed math revision.
I missed Bahasa Indonesia extra class.
I missed my friends' performance for a certain competition.

How long till I realize, that time is money..
How long till I realize, the wrong things I'm doing..

CONFETTI

2010-10-26T23:09:00.002+02:00

Sometimes, chocolates and blue manicures are enough to make me happy.

CITY LIGHTS AND TOWERS

2010-10-24T17:30:00.000+02:00

You with your new green shirt,
and me,
in our seventies,
dancing with alphabet music,
which you're singing,
incoherently,
in front of the city view,
at a cold and windy night,
just like 50 years ago.

SOMETHING THAT MADE MY DAY

2010-10-22T22:34:00.003+02:00

LESSON #1

2010-10-20T23:18:00.003+02:00

You can try several attempts to appear tremendously beautiful like a goddess, so beautiful that even when you're sweating like a pig it doesn't lessen your exquisiteness. But that splendor mask of yours will appear as a cobra facade, if your external divine doesn't reflect your cold heart.

Personal experience.

PLAIN WISHES

2010-10-18T23:13:00.004+02:00

1. Listen to my complains, without interrupting.
2. Calm me whenever I feel insecure.
3. My family know how much they mean to me.
4. Improve my ugly grades.
5. I sing one song, and not ruin it.
6. I spend one day without having a fake smile.
7. Scholarship in Singapore/Australia.
8. Understand the nature of physics.
9. Stop being addicted to the computer.
10. A better person.

HOLE

2010-10-12T20:24:00.002+02:00

Yes, I'm still alive and breathing healthily.

So many things happened throughout the months, from August till October. And I'm not sure if I can rewrite the incidents.

I never realized that from making the correct decision, would hurt so bad. It's like there's this deep hole inside my heart.
It started when I decided to tell you to stay away. And became worse when I accidentally dropped a plate in the kitchen. And reached the worst climate when I lost my mother's Calvin Klein sunglasses.

How can falling in love with a flawless guy like you, making me feel so blind towards everything.. Everything.. becomes so simple..with you around. And now that you're not beside me, although, I know you'd still be willing to stand beside me, everything feels heavy.

FRIENDS, SOULMATE & FAMILY

2010-07-02T00:13:00.003+03:00

For these past two weeks, I realized that I've got three precious things in my (was pathetic) life. Their presence and their encouragement are the main reasons why I'm still enjoying life, striving to accomplish things that will make them proud of me and keeping my own sanity.

"source"
I know I've been down since half of my best friends here in Egypt left for Indonesia. But time heals. And I've become conscious of the people around me, who aren't giving less care than the ones who have left. They may be different people, but as long as they still accept me as a friend, then why can't I just go and have fun with them instead of secluding myself at home and do nothing?
So, I give up. Even though sometimes I still feel strange with them. But then again, strangers are friends whom you haven't met yet.

I still can't understand what love is. But i know I've found one. At least, I found someone who loves me genuinely, so different from the former ones. One of the things I learned from him is that, love doesn't want anything in return.
I know when a guy says "I love you,", somewhere in his heart he expects the girl to say, "I love you too,". And I wonder, do we always have to follow tradition? Honestly, I'd rather say "thank you," than to say that I love him back just to complete the romantic scene without meaning the word wholeheartedly.
But believe me, this one is so different. I'm trapped between "i love you too" and "thank you". So, instead, I became honest and said, "I don't know what to say,". He simply smiled authentically and nearly made my heart melt, and replied, "you don't have to say anything,".
I know, I'm stupid. But whatever, I know he's the truest love, right in the bull's eye. I just know. And I know that even if we're separated by numerous obstacles, nothing can change the way he feels.
I wonder what did I do good to deserve a sweet saint from God? I must've saved someone's life involuntarily. Alhamdulilah.

My family's happiness have become my first priority since I was born bald. They're everything. Simply, everything.
In the past days, we've been having rows at home. But it ended peacefully last night, with open minds and negotiations. They're worried about my social life, and the soon university of my choice as well. I'm worried too. But I'm trying to figure it out here. I'm not staying idle. I'm building connections, digging for information on scholarships and detecting my ultimate interest to finally decide a Goddamn faculty. (I have no idea why I curse everytime I talk about this, maybe I've reached the climate level of frustration).
But I will make it straight, I will decide, I will choose. I'm seventeen afterall, I'll learn to grow up. With the help from my friends, my... soulmate, I guess? And my parents.

CONTENT

2010-06-30T03:07:00.003+03:00

Life is full of ups and downs.
I guess that explains it. Cuz in the last post I seemed so out of control. Maybe it seems to me that way cuz right now I'm blossomed with happiness. I guess to be perfectly happy, you've gotta get all your frustrations out, huh?

So anyway, this day had been such an incredibly fantastic day. It wasn't major, but it brought me bliss.
I went to my best friend's apartment. And I enjoyed myself playing with his lil siblings. And that was all.
Pretty simple, but I've never felt this happy before since my other best friends have gone abroad.

***

I've made peace with my parents now. So there're now wars going on inside the house and I'm really trying not to create one. But my lil brother is still being a devilish satan. I can't reason with him. And sometimes I don't wanna reason with him.

***

I'm thinking about college now. I mean, next year, insyaAllah, I'll graduate and where do I go? My parents have decided to send me to Singapore. But what university? What faculty? Will I get a part-time job? Where will I live? I'm starting to get panic but it'd be pointless if I kept being paranoid and do nothing.
I wanna work in a bank, or an office. At least a place where you can make coffees, except in cafes or restaurants. I'm not really good at holding trays.
So, yeah. If any of you guys are reading this and have any information about the college life in Singapore, please help this poor little girl with your simplest instructions and informations. I'll really appreciate it if you do.

***

Maybe I should let my feelings flow, let it all out.

You keep the air in my lungs
floating along as the melody comes
and my heart beats like timpani drums
keeping the time while a symphony strums

[Yellowcard - How I Go]

MY LIFE IS FUCKING SHIT

2010-06-24T00:22:00.002+03:00

I know, the title is quite vulgar. But it's the fact, and this is my blog. I can write whatever the hell I want. And curse as much as I want.

I think I'm angry right now. I'm full of rage.
I hate being at home. My parents are constantly whining with their annoying high pitches. It's always started by my mom, though. Every time she wants to get mad, the whole world has to get mad too. The worst part is that I couldn't debate with her, I might blow up and shout out filthy and disrespectful words. I mean, no matter how much she pisses me off, she's still my mom. I just have to pull my own hair.
Then comes dad, who'd get mad too when mom is being lunatic. Cuz they're both soulmates and they have soul connection. So, if one of them gets mad, the other one gets mad too. Perfect.
Then there's my imbecile brother. To hell with him, I can't even stand talking about him here. I might smash the keyboard out of resentment.
The only one who's sane at home is my innocent little baby sister, she could cry a number of times without making my blood boil. Except the fact that she hardly cries, she's just so calm and beautiful. I guess God sent her for us as an angel who would keep us being alive, away from suicide, just to escape from this miserable life.

I really sound like a teenager who's in her puberty stage. I'm seventeen, god damn it. I should grow up. But it's difficult growing up, even literally. It's hard to be all mature, be decisive, be smart, to think first before act, gain weight, get taller, and other fucking stuff. Besides, I can't grow up when my parents are being critical about it. I will grow up if you let me, mom and dad. I promise I fucking will.

:():

2010-06-12T22:02:00.007+03:00

SCHOOL, 10TH JUNE 2010
Art Exam
My class, which consisted of only seven retarded students, created a drama for the art final exam. We thought of making a drama the reflects the life of a disastrous family, of which I had to play a role of a pregnant teenager, and the dad is having an affair with his secretary. But it was too cheesy and contemporary. So, we changed the theme to forest exploitation, how it affects the issue of global warming and the inhabitants that lived around it. I had to play the role of a lady peasant, whose house near the forest was destroyed thanks to the trees that had been cut, the difficult thing was that my scene was a monologue, so I had to pretend that I was desperate and frustrated, and I had to fake cry. It seemed so impossible at first, but the act turned out amazingly remarkable.

***

OPERA HOUSE, 11TH JUNE 2010

Celebration of Indonesia & Egypt's 63 Years of Diplomatic Relation

I swear, I'd never forget this incredible day. After all the sweat I've sacrificed for dance practices, turned out it wasn't all for nothing. The feeling on stage was so extraordinary that I could still feel the vibration. I gotta admit that I was a lil tense coz the audience are filled with Egyptian ministers and VIPs, and I was afraid if my fake eyelashes were going to fall off (I don't know why the hell should I even be wearing fake eyelashes when my real eyelashes were fine!). I even forced myself to think that if I made a mistake at the dance, Egypt and Indonesia will start a war. Stupid? Tell me bout it. On the other hand, the performance was perfect, completed by a standing ovation.

There was this really hilarious incident that made me cry out of laughter every time I remember it.
When we were lifted home, I had to pick up my brother at his friend's house. I was so exhausted and drowsy, but thank God Auli accompanied me so that I wouldn't fall asleep in the middle of the road. The building wasn't far, so we walked. On the way, Auli borrowed one of my fake eyelashes and asked me to stick it to his left eye. So I did what he told. And just when we'd reached the building, my dad's car came. Apparently, dad was lifting the parents of my friends' brother home, and at the same time he wanted to pick up his son. I told Auli to go home coz my dad's already here, and I went in the building to snatch my brother. When I went back to the car, Auli was there in the front seat nattering with my dad. AND HE FORGOT TO TAKE OFF MY FAKE EYELASHES (laughing hysterically for the billionth time). I think my dad didn't notice, though, coz it was too dark in the car so it wasn't really obvious. Too bad.

***

CAIRO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, 12TH JUNE 2010
ZAKY, MBAK EVA AND ARINDA'S DEPARTURE
Today, I watched three of my best friends leave Cairo. Through seventeen years I've been living in Cairo, I watch people come and go, but I never really got accustomed to it. I still feel sad about them leaving. Especially those three. They've been filling my days with colours for the past two years. Sometimes, when I'm just bored or got nowhere to go, Zaky's place was the perfect spot. And now it just seems awkward to visit zaky's place when he's not there. And I'm missing it already.
It's like, there's this large empty hole in my heart, and each time I go to bed, I'd cry myself to sleep. I feel numb.

This place is so lonely.

J'AI FATIGUE

2010-06-09T21:33:00.004+03:00

Just a photo I've made, once upon a time.

I feel so worn out these days, they seem so endless. Things have been appearing to keep me hectic, and exams are starting in three days, preparing to mutilate me mentally with no mercy. I really need to study. It's just that I lost my spirits. No, wait, I'm ecstatic, really. I'm just too tired. Exhausted. I certainly need a break. Just for a day. But I don't think that's possible cause the Egyptian & Indonesian diplomatic relation celebration is going to be held on Friday, and there has been a lot of dance practices, and I'm sure there'll be more.
At least I like the dance, it makes me feel alive. Really.
Besides that, I've found something (or someone?) that made my life just a little worth living for. I don't know if this is just me or have I really become so close with him. You know, sometimes I just think that what I'm thinking is happening but actually it isn't and I'm always still being tricked by reality with my hopeless wishes. But there's a little voice screaming in my heart, that says, we're too close. We share things. Just FYI, he doesn't share a lot with people, so I feel like I'm being trusted wholly when he tells me stuff, and it makes me feel blissful. How many people on this filthy earth who would trust you exclusively with their filthy secrets? I bet not many.
But I don't think that this is the reason why he's so interesting to me. It might be because of his ironic sense of humor -which never failed to brighten stiff atmospheres- if he's in a good mood. Oh, he's always in a good mood. Even when he's troubled, he'd hide his feelings flawlessly. But he wouldn't hide it in front of me, and when he does that, I always feel like I've done something wrong to him, like it's my fault or something. Maybe it's always my fault, I can be exasperating lots of times. Even my mom is fed up.
He's just one of a kind. I can't really explain it, but I want to.
And I'm not supposed to be posting this because I'm a student and I should be studying till my ass becomes stiff and my eyes are red sore. I just wanted to keep things updated and let you know that I'm still alive. Not that anybody reads this piece of shit.

Really. I need to take a break cuz it's triggering my temperance.

SUMMER PARADE - DEPAPEPE

2010-06-05T12:58:00.002+03:00

True.
I don't know why, but I'm happy right now. Content? Even though my life isn't going perfect recently. But maybe, just maybe, I've learned to look beyond the imperfection.

It could be because of numerous reasons. Possibly, it's caused by the cooking time together yesterday at Dadang's, or the presence of a romantic dracula who's making me alive everyday, or could be a lot of other things.

Apart from that, I haven't taken my period for three months. I'm NOT stressed out. As I said I'm happy.
Well, at least I'm positive that I'm not pregnant.

***

Final exams are coming and I haven't opened any books. I'm not in a perfect frame of mind to read stuff about reproduction or revolutions. Although, my conscious is starting to get worried and I'm predicting bad marks.

AUTUMN BREEZE IN SUMMER

2010-05-23T19:40:00.004+03:00

So, it's been awhile. Again.
I know I'm such a sloth. I'm not into writing my daily or weekly rantings right now. Coz there's nothing much to spill. I mean, I guess my life has been quite a bore, it's like I'm role-playing a monologue drama. If my life were to be represented on a graphic presentation, I guess it would be a single remotely stable straight line.

But my friend Auli has been such a good company, that I'm not dying out of loneliness all alone.
Although he's quite a bit stressed out about his exams too. But his frustrated expression on his face which only makes him look like a five-year-old boy who isn't allowed to buy a candy just brings me laughter.

The tediousness of my life may be caused by Rani's departure to Indonesia. She's left for good to continue her studies in Indonesia and I'm pretty sure we're going to be united again someday and redo the same stupid things we've done for the past two (or three?) years. It's hard finding a person like her, she's my identically opposite personality twin. She completes me.
God, do I sound like a lesbian?

And the other cause might be how unbelievably strict my parents are being these days. They just don't understand that I desperately need space. I need to get out of the house once a day just to walk during sunsets. And for me to grant my wishes I really need to come up with reasonable excuses like I'm gone to buy some phone credits or bits of snack.
Sheesh, I can't wait to get to college.

At school, we've been practicing this salsa or cha-cha (?) dance. It's kinda fun, according to someone who isn't really into dancing.

I'm trying to enjoy my life. I'm really trying.

SOUNDTRACK

2010-05-10T21:56:00.003+03:00

Not enough words to express how much I'm missing you. Pictures explain more than words.

SELF-CONVINCING HEART

2010-05-05T23:00:00.003+03:00

This photo really explains it.

We aren't childhood lovers.

I don't work on your hat or cap or whatever that boy is wearing on his head because you hardly ever wear one.

I don't have that look on the girl's face, because I hate looking into your eyes. Because they get me transfixed and hypnotized. But I do love your voice, so much.

You clearly have that look on the girl's face when I'm talking to you. And I remember bringing that up on a conversation, and you just said, "Is it wrong? Am I not allowed to stare like that?"
No, you aren't allowed, because it's distracting.
But instead I just said, "fine, do whatever you like."

Notice that the photo has this soft tone, which signifies the serene and unruffled atmosphere. It's the kind of ambiance that I feel when you're around.

I'm quite determined that I'm not in the mood of love swings anymore, just because I'm a single woman now (oh what a surprise) and I put an end to the long distant love, doesn't mean that I'm off to finding a new honey bunny I'm going to lean on to (even though I lean on to you more than a couple of times, literally).

But I think of you every split second, you and all your sarcastic, absurd jokes, and your stinking smell of sweat that comes from your non-stop hydrated skin, and your absolute insensibility, and how you blink your eyes every couple of times because of your lack of sleep but that only makes you look more attractive and cute (the word cute makes me sound young, and cute), and how you link your arms to my shoulders every time we pass the road, and how you laugh at my shaggy dog stories even though they aren't shaggy enough (I know how this doesn't make sense, but you get what I mean), and how I constantly repeat to myself that I'm not feeling any of this.

And in the end, this usually turns out to be a musty post and my words are going to sound completely a chestnut.

BLISS

2010-05-02T04:10:00.001+03:00

Some things are meant to be, I guess.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

2010-04-30T01:49:00.004+03:00

Impossible is nothing. But some possibilities, are so likely impossible.

I wanna be as impossibly tall as Keira Knightley

BEST DAYS

2010-04-27T13:19:00.006+02:00

I have so plenty of stuff to tell. I don't even know where to start. I might not even share the whole of it.
I've constantly warned myself to write them up if I wasn't busy putting my fingers in every pie, but myself wouldn't listen. And now the incidents are piling up.

SHARM EL-SHEIKH, RED SEA, 23/04 - 25/04
keywords: corals, beach, red sea, red beach, naked tourists, Naama Bay

This place is beautiful, sunny and full of lively moments. It took 8 hours of bus trip to reach there. 8 hours of sitting on my numb ass, but it was worth it.
Unfortunately, when we got there, our hotel separates the localstaff from the homestaff. Those are the levels of authority in the Indonesian Embassy. Generally, the homestaff has more authority than the locals. According to that, me and Rani are separated from Zaky and the rest. Because their parents are homestaff. Get it?
Okay nevermind.
So we only met at night, at this huge shopping and leisure centre called Naama Bay. And everytime we get together, we look like people who haven't bumped into each other for years. Well, it's quite reasonable because we wished that this was something we'd share together and not having segregated hotels.

Anyway, there was this incident, which was so touching for me.

CORAL HILLS HOTEL
Me and Rani were looking out on our friends who were swimming. At the edge of the swimming pool, there were rows of rocks and just behind it there was a narrow gutter but very deep. We sat on the rock and joked and laughed, and suddenly I felt something slipped from my pocket and there was this "PLUNG!" sound. It turned out that...

my precious phone fell in the Goddamn gutter

I don't know if this was a curse, or a sign that read I should get a new phone.
So I screamed hysterically (and managed to laugh hysterically too), and I ran panicking to the reception and asked for the security.
Dad, who was in charge of this trip and was coincidentally hanging around in the lobby, heard the locomotion and asked what happened.
I told him, "my phone fell in the water."
He was like, "oh well, so you don't have a phone now."
But he asked me to see where it fell. So, I lead the way.
When we reached the spot, my friends were gathering around murmuring and witnessing my phone dying slowly. It was a deep sewer, but the water was only like (?) 20 centimeters high.
Then out of the blue, my dad took of his expensive sneakers and socks, and handed me his valuable blackberry, and climbed down the sewer.

MY DAD CLIMBED DOWN THE SEWER... just to get his little girl's disheveled cellphone

Now, wouldn't you call that a huge sacrifice? I'll never forget that day.

And by the way, my phone has miraculously recovered, thanks to the best dad in the whole world.

Naama Bay
I love our togetherness. The warmth of the laughter that echoes from our stinky mouth and dirty jokes.
How sometimes we spit words randomly and have no idea what it means. And how one of us tries to tell a joke and turns out to be a dry one, and always ends up with another laughter.

I love you, freaks.

I don't know how the hell am I going to be insane again if they've gone away.

LETTING GO

2010-04-09T12:10:00.003+02:00

I'm having this weird thoughts, well, they aren't actually weird but almost confusing. It's kinda complicated that I don't even know how to write them, how to say them, especially to you.
I know I have someone, someone I claim that I love, someone whom I'm supposed to love irrevocably. I don't know if I still do have the feelings, the flings, the sparks, the chemistry.
Where did it go, all of it?
Where has it evaporated?
When?
Why?
Why?
I haven't got the slightest damn idea. All that I know that it's gone. Gone with the wind, gone in the thin air like a bird feather or dandelion. Is it because of the distance? Is the space too big, between us? Has the gap separated our hearts?
No. We've gotten used to the distance, we've believed that distance is just something that tests how far our love would go. And we got an A on this test, baby.
No. Is there someone else? Someone I'd prefer being with more than you? I couldn't dare to think of that, because after all you've given to me, all your patience and understanding, this, is what I pay to you?
I know I'm not a good person. I know people have flaws, but my flaws are exceedingly across the limits.
And I'm sure positively, that you'll find someone who's better than me, who deserves your love and tenderness and appreciate it wholeheartedly, the way you want it to be.

2010-04-06T21:31:00.000+02:00

I love this day

STORIES

2010-04-05T10:14:00.003+02:00

One day, there was a teacher in a classroom. She asked her students to close their eyes, and raise both of their hands openly. Then, she asked them to pray, "dear God, I want a candy."
All the students closed their eyes, hands wide open and said, "dear God, I want a candy."
The teacher then, told them to open their eyes, and asked them, "now, do you see any candy in your hands?"
The students saw their empty hands, and shook their heads.
The teacher smiled, and said, "now, do the same thing, but instead, say "dear teacher, I want a candy."
The students obeyed their teacher. They closed their eyes, hands wide open, and said, "dear teacher, I want a candy."
The teacher gave each students a candy, and told them to open their eyes, and said, "now, do you see any candy in your hands?"
The students saw the colorful candy in their hands and nodded happily.
The teacher smiled satisfyingly and asked, "does God exist?"
The students answered, "No."

***

I remember an incident at school. It was a mother's day. So, the principal asked each of us to write a letter to our mothers, and he has this man who will deliver the letters to our mom. And I remember how I thought of the words I was going to write because mom and I aren't as close as how a relationship between a mom and a daughter should be.

***

I felt a spark, when your fingertips touched the palm of my hand.

I LIKE YOU

2010-04-04T00:23:00.003+02:00

I simply like how I feel comfortably happy whenever your face flashes a smile to me when you say hi.

CURSING LIFE

2010-04-02T11:14:00.004+02:00

FRIENDS
Friends don't let you do stupid things... alone.
But what if my friend wants to do stupid things that I don't wanna do? Okay, maybe I wanna do. But I have more important things to do. Does that mean I'm not her friend, or what?

"LOVE"
When you have a guy best friend, who was nice, caring and whatever good things he does, and on the other side, you have this boyfriend who sent you a website link, said it was a gift, but it turned out to be a horror frightening link that would send you to shivers. No, it's not only that. Your boyfriend just doesn't care about you, although he isn't saying that directly. But you could just see the way he talks, the way he asks if you had any breakfast yet, just because we've run out of things to talk about. No, that is pathetic.

Oooh, what do I do?

LITTLEST THINGS IN LIFE

2010-03-30T21:05:00.004+02:00

Even in the stressful and hectic days we pass through, in between, there are just these littlest things that make us smile, even if it only lasts a second.
Like the security guards of HSBC, and the fruit seller whom you walk by every morning on your way to school/work.
Or watching your classmates/colleagues do these weird faces which become weirder everyday.
Or listen to them saying a sentence which doesn't make sense, literally, although you know what they mean.
Or read a sign in the middle of the street, which ain't spelled right.
Or just watch how your little sister says the first letter with great attempt, "aaaaaa".

Or sometimes, you just smile on remembering a sweet moment in your past.

NEW THING TO KNOW ABOUT MY-BLOODY-SELF

2010-03-23T22:38:00.003+02:00

My bloodtype is O.
MY BLOODTYPE IS O.
oOoOooO.

DISTANT

2010-03-18T22:57:00.002+02:00

another sunny day
has come and gone away
in cairo & rome
just wanna go home..

maybe surrounded by
a million people eye..
still feel all alone..
just wanna go home..
i miss you, you know

oh ive been keeping all the IMs, that I typed to you..
nana na nanaanaaa.... *forgot the rest of the lyrics*

oh, you get the point

UNTITLED. AGAIN.

2010-03-18T03:11:00.002+02:00

Somehow, I thought I knew some people. But they just turn out to be different ones than I thought they were.
And I'm just learning to live through it and grow out of it.

THINGS IN FEBRUARY

2010-02-27T22:09:00.002+02:00

- Lost someone's trust.
- I do have problems with trusting people.
- Guy best friend messing up with our friendship.
- Couldn't figure out how he thinks in his complicated mind.
- Feeling lucky for having the greatest boyfriend.
- Ice rain in Egypt. Which rarely happens. Global warming, I guess.
- My lil baby sister getting bigger. Did I mention her name was Amira?
- Trying not to be selfish and rude.
- Taking courses in British Council under the orders of the father.
- The class is filled with adults whom all of'em are employed.
- I'm having fun. With, or without you.
- "We are the world" song for Haiti is incredible.
- Had a lot of arguments.
- Bought a vintage skirt at H&M.
- Cairo is still in a period of winter.
- I think I have a teeth problem.
- Zacky moved into a new apartment.
- Angklung concert coming.
- Painting class is so much fun.
- Dancing is fun too.
- You can call me past eleven PM but it won't happen again. It happened once, it happened twice, it happened three times, maybe four times.
- Bulletin Board.
- Need to watch Percy Jackson & the Olympians.
- Planning to go to London with Zacky, Auli & Eva. Hope it goes well.
- What. I think I'm finished here.

SOME SCENES

2010-02-10T20:55:00.002+02:00

Thursday, 21st January
Rani asked me to accompany her to Costa Coffee. She said she wasn't gonna sit, she's gonna take away the coffee. I said alright whatever as long as we're going out. Then when we left Costa, we had to pass Zacky's apartment building because it's on the main street. Zacky's apartment building entrance door was transparent and I thought I'd seen candle lights reflecting the glass.
And yes, it turned out to be candle lights indeed.

"Happy birthday to you..
happy birthday to you..
happy birthday happy birthday,
happy birthday to you.."

Zacky, Rani, Eva and Yudi sang in different harmony like a catastrophic choir (since Zacky couldn't sing) while carrying an ice-cream cake shaped like tree branch, which I've once claimed that I wished to eat it before I die. The entire scene successfully made me tear. Invisibly, of course. (#_#)

Then I asked where Auli was. They said they couldn't reach him, so he didn't come. And we decided to surprise Auli too by knocking at his door, since his family all were going outside town. Poor Auli was left alone at home, so we'd come to entertain and make some noise.

In the end, we blew candles, ate the ice-cream-tree-branch-shaped cake, took photos, watched mission impossible III, phoned KFC delivery (my treat) at Auli's, who was sleeping beautifully before we came and disturbed his nap time.

Wonderful night.

5th February
Our school was invited at British's School funday. Sort of like an event where students just have fun at school wearing free clothes and perfom they talent on stage.
So we, from Indonesian school, had to show off our brilliance also. We performed in shape of band and traditional dance.
And from this experience, I learned that it was better to sing in front of co-operative unknown (to me) audience, than in front of the Indonesian Ambassador himself.

Wonderful day.

Present Day
Must go to H&M cause there's a big sale. I can't imagine if I missed it, I won't live with that.

Math exam today was really horrible. Means that last night's math lesson at Aula's was completely in vain. Although I've enjoyed the part when Aula's dad was caught smoking, Aula yelled to his small brothers and sisters and ordered them to beg to their father, saying, "daddy, i'm still little, i don't want to spend my future suffering diseases coming from your smoke."

TODAY

2010-01-28T01:05:00.002+02:00

was weird.
Amazingly.

I got this surprise present from a guy best friend, and I'm so happy. Why? Because I got more presents. And because he, particularly, gave one for me, unnecessarily.
He's so kind. And full of surprises.

Just a few days ago, I felt my feelings go away y know, like it's all gone and vanished into thin air.
And I don't have a clue of what I'm feeling right now. I'm so becoming senseless.

I learned how to paint on canvas. *satisfied*

JUST SOME WORDS

2010-01-26T17:03:00.003+02:00

My back hurts.
This month has got me all completely worn-out. Starting from the farewell party of my school principal, my birthday, the new headmaster, the new classmate *YAY!*, especially band practice. God, my energy's all absorbed.

Think I should have a massage.
But then again, is there any in Cairo? Hahahahahahahahahahahha *laughing sarcastically*

Can't believe I'm seventeen.
I still look seven, and act like one.
Seventeen is a big number.
In fact, it's too big.

SOMETHING DIFFERENT, BUT WORSE

2010-01-16T01:51:00.006+02:00

I observed that my previous posts are so ridiculously sad. I talk a lot about serious stuff, and I'm becoming grumpier than my grandmother. So why not let it be different this time?

Let's discuss about a common topic that all girls just love to natter on.

So, the question most frequently asked is, have you ever fallen in love?
According to book writers, love is something powerful, invincible, inseparable and etc. And I believe in that, I just don't think I've experienced the feeling. It's not a game, so I don't toy with it. It's not knowledge, it can't be learned by theories. It's completely unreasonable, because when you fall in love with someone, you must not have a specific reason to explain why. If asked pourqoui, the answer would be the same as why the sky is bleu, or why the sun is froid, or why your breath smells, or why the leaves are green (because they have chlorophyll which provides the cell colors of green, D'OH); because everything's meant to be. Because it's written by God's pure hands. Because it's because. Get it? (Getting more vague because this isn't her type of topic).

And because love is that complicated, I don't think I'm ready to really fall in love with any person, yet. And because love is just too simple, it takes time for a complicated person (self-reference) to experience it.
I know I have a boyfriend. And he's not just anyone. He's someone I like, I need, I care, and I miss every second. And he's like a drug to me. (I'm a pathetic girl who is constantly in need of cuddles from her boy, who is far across seven oceans).
I just don't know if he's the person who I'm destined to fall in love with. We talked about this, you know. He said he's not sure too, he doesn't get these things, same with me.

But we've done a lot of sacrifices, faced our deepest fears to accomplish it. And we still keep needing each other so to fill our emptiness of our lives.
Usually, he's the reason why I stay up late, or awake earlier than the days before. Most times, he's someone I'm always looking forward to talk to about just any random thing, even though it has only been five minutes since he went offline. Or someone who makes me smile just too often that my lips stick like that for more than awhile.
And that's scary.

I think this is dangerous.
I think I love him, and vice versa.
I think this post is ridiculously sadder.

A FEW THINGS

2010-01-11T18:24:00.003+02:00

1. The best dad in the world had bought me one of the best cameras in the world.

2. I had a big row with Mr. Longdistant because I got jealous when I saw his wall-to-wall with some attempting girl. I know they're just friends, but 27 wall comments are just too much.

3. But eventually we made through it. With tears, caps locks and exclamation marks. And for a second, I thought I'm gonna lose him.

4. I got the second rank. Okay, maybe I should be grateful. But I thought, I could've gotten the first rank, if I pulled on it better.

5. I get hungry almost every three hours. Hope I could gain an ounce of weight this year. Sometimes being terribly skinny is terribly horrible, especially when exposed.

6. I need to watch more movies.

7. Mom's beginning to piss me off when she interferes in my love life. No worries, mom, I'm still a pure virgin. How can I even make love with someone who is 9875,305893 kilometers away? Cyber sex? Lame.

8. My birthday is in eight days. All I want for my birthday is to watch a gay movie and a plane ticket to Indonesia. OMG I'm gonna be seventeen? OMYFREAKINSHITSLAPMEGODDAMIT.

9. Three of my closest friends, my friends, my life, my crying and laughter, the people who I've been spending almost everyday of my life for a year, are gonna leave Cairo in approximately three months. Prepare for a mental break.

10. My lil sis is growing, her eyes are getting wider, her cheeks are chubbier, and her talking becomes more formless. And I keep loving her more everyday.

Here're pictures, so to not keep you bored.

TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE

2010-01-08T18:47:00.005+02:00

I wanna list the movies I've watched in 2010. So here goes the two first movies.

Watched the 3D, great movie, great effects. But the 3D glasses kinda made me feel dizzy.

Tricky and confusing, but genius. Slept in the middle of the movie.

HOW WE LOOK IN 2010

2010-01-01T21:04:00.009+02:00

Frozen moments.

I don't know what my friend Fadhilah is pointing at, maybe my hidden boobs attract her.

I love this one

Before we set off.

Who's that girl holding the mic? Wohooo I look so melancholic

HURT

2010-01-01T10:06:00.000+02:00

I wish you loved me. And needed me.

LAST DAY OF 2009

2010-01-01T03:16:00.000+02:00

I know it's late and my eyes are red from being sleep-deprived. Thanks to the time I've spent awake studying for the semester.
But I really wanna share you guys how my last day of 2009 went. It was so incredibly boring, but so enjoyable in many unexpected ways. Haha.

So anyway, like every year, the Indonesian Embassy held another new year party. But also, like every year, the party became so boring. Except the part when I stood on the stage and sang my hoarse voice out. (Fact: Yes, I did sing. Yes, my voice was hoarse. No, I still enjoyed the moment. Despite the hatred look on my dad's boss.)
However, after I performed, Zacky, Rani, Auli, Yudi and me decided to just run off and watch a midnight movie (hopefully AVATAR 3D), instead of spending another tedious New Year's Eve as same as the one we've had last year. We're not supposed to leave, because it was almost egoistical to just spend the new year anywhere else, when the Indonesian Embassy had done a lot to make this party existed. So we've kinda sneaked out.

We stopped by two cinemas, both of 'em would start the movie at one in the morning. We couldn't possibly go home at three coz we were still young fellows who'd be grounded if we'd gone off limits. Except Yudi, who was an official elder. So he abandoned us and set off to meet his friends who were as same as his old age.
Meanwhile, the rest of us just wandered on the side of the Nile River, and contemplated it's beauty as the lights of the city reflected the river, making it glitter colorfully and creating an extraordinary masterpiece. (What am I now? A poet?)
And we started to tell each other our 2010 resolutions.
We brought fireworks, but we forgot to bring matches and none of us were a smoker because we profoundly believed that smoke causes impotent (although only two of us who had a male thingy), and we were just a bunch of youth who would forget a simple yet important thing as that.
We took pictures, except Auli, who was a phobia of cameras. I still don't know why he didn't like any part of his body appear in a photo.

And this one that's coming, is the BEST part.

We went back to our neighborhood and chose to relax at Costa Coffee. But in order to go there, we needed to pass in front of our school. And when we've reached the other side of the road of our school, we saw an Indonesian Embassy bus transportation. It's function was to pick people up to attend any Indonesian Embassy festivity and take them home safely by dropping them at the Indonesian School. Because everyone's apartment buildings here were just located near the Indonesian School.
So we immediately got panicked because if they had seen us, they would shoot us with questions like where'd we been and why were we spending the New Year's Eve alone with ourselves. So we hid behind parked cars like criminals who were afraid to get caught and crawled (not literally) to a darker and safer road.

But just before we turned into the left corner of our destination, we faced another outsider. And hid behind parked cars again. I giggled quietly beside Zacky, I couldn't control my laugh because this all felt incredibly silly. And I wanted to pee so bad.

After the outsiders were gone, we continued our walk. We just needed to cross the road to reach the cafe.

But then we spotted Zacky's parents' black jeep parked just a few kilometers away from Costa. Zacky got really truly paranoid because his parents (particularly his mother) were an overprotective ones, who wouldn't approve if their big boy got nipped by a tiny needle. How could someone as big as Zacky (who was as plump as a watermelon) get hurt physically? That's as same as waiting for the clouds to rain money.
Anyhow, Zacky didn't wanna get caught because if he did, his parents would order him to just come home. And Zacky definitely didn't want that.

So we hid behind a parked car -again- for the third time. But this time was just more dramatic because Zacky acted like a mafia who was about to get shot by the police if they'd found out his hidden place.

Eventually, we stopped acting like secret agents. And faced back our real, boring life, and ordered Frescato Coffee.

I could never forget this mad night.

SHOW ME THE BEST, 2010

2009-12-29T19:04:00.000+02:00

Life is so dog-tiring for me right now. I've no clue why am I always so serious about life, talking about crappy bullshits of "life being so boring" or "life is unfair". When the fact is that there're many other thousands of people who're having a much suffering life than mine. Like, some people couldn't have meals three times a day.
But come to think of it, why are they so tall? I mean, I eat enough, but why do I have to look like an elf? *this is so pathetic, self-humiliation*

I'm in the middle of exams, and tomorrow's physics. Plus, I'm acting like the world's possessive girlfriend. (That's his fault, why is he so attractive? Ok, I think it's my fault for having to choose someone so striking, and companionable)
So pardon my ambiguity.

Hmm. By Friday, the planets will start to revolve in a new orbit all over again.
My life has revolved in 2009. It's the best year I've ever had. It has drained all of my burden which I've carried since years and years before, replaced it with new friendly connections. Forgetting and forgiving our mistakes. It's like a reborn.
I don't know if this is the best part of my life (overall) or not. But anyhow, it's better than my previous one. But I'm hopefully looking forward to another better year.

COMPLETELY RANDOM

2009-12-19T22:13:00.000+02:00

God, I'm so addicted to Lady Gaga's songs. Is it true that she's bisexual? I mean, her voice is a lil boyish, but so cool. Her sense of fashion is epic, but also so cool. I think she's the coolest singer, and not only as a singer, but also as an entertainer.

WE'RE A PERFECT COUPLE, WE'RE JUST NOT IN A PERFECT SITUATION

2009-12-14T20:11:00.000+02:00

I already knew from the very beginning, that going through a long distance relationship would need a persisting bond, and just enough money to buy phone credits and plane tickets.
Apparently, a persisting bond is harder to maintain than affording plane tickets to his place. It's not that I don't love him anymore. I truly love him, in every way, really. (Yes, you can predict a "but" coming..)
But.. (Ha!)
It's so hurting me. I wanna spend every second holding his hands (you might wonder, why do I keep talking about his hands?), feel his every steady breath. I don't know how he could keep himself stable all the time, and I'm his paranoid girlfriend, who obviously has abnormal issues in her life, indicating that she might suffer autism. But he just held on to me, never was bothered by any of my bizarre attitudes.
And for me, I don't wanna let go of him, no matter how my heart breaks whenever I feel like I couldn't be the best for the one who mattered me the most.
I might never gonna leave him, I don't ever want to, especially when it's only about the distance.

I'M STILL BREATHING, BUT I'M DEAD BORED

2009-12-10T22:58:00.000+02:00

1. School competition is over.
I didn't win, and I never cared about winning. I just needed to have fun. Take a break from my boring life. Refresh. Make new friends whom I still in contact with right now.

2. After exactly 5 months of longing the face of the apple of my eye (this is quite a long sentence, not to mention so full of 'ofs'), our hands have finally intertwined again. It was such a wonderful sensation, makes me feel so.. I don't know. I can't even describe it.
Happy? Yes.
Sad? Yes.
Why? Because I was perfectly aware that this moment had to end sooner or later. I wanted it to last more.
And I had to look at our hands over and over again just to make sure that this wasn't a dream. And if it was, I wouldn't wanna wake up.
I never closed my eyes, I didn't wanna miss a thing.
I wanted to stop the time. And as far as how boring and commonly outdated that sounds, I can't help but saying it from the bottom of my blind heart.

3. I'm so bored in Cairo. Life here is dull.

4. I spent four days in Singapore before I went home, and I already felt like I'm home.
I loved the hippo bus, and the Bugis Jaunction, and nasi ayam, and the east coast, and how it pours every five minutes, and how it smells after it pours, and the Changi Airport, and the Flyer, and ice Milo, and the colorful apartments, and the Merlion, and and and.. and billion other things that would spend two days if I had to type it all.
And guess what? I've learned to ride a two-wheeled bicycle.
I know that's stupid, but why should you care?
As long as I'm happy.

5. I still love my boyfriend. And I want him here.

6. I have a new band. And I'm thrown to the position of being a vocalist, again.

7. I'm so tired of living in Cairo. And I just can't seem to stop complaining. But what would my complains do?
Nothing, exactly.

HATE TO LOVE

2009-11-04T00:13:00.000+02:00

I hate all the bullshits you talk.
I hate the sweet words you effortlessly say, without seeming to mean it.
I hate the way you support me, which puts any effect equal to zero. Or O point one.
I hate how you're clueless when it comes to handle me when I'm crying.
I hate how when I'm feeling blue, you couldn't color me green or yellow.
I hate it when I ask about your opinion, and you just reply, "it's up to you," or "whatever you like."
I hate the way you're always being a listener, never a talker.
I hate how you never seem to care about anything in my life, except what I'm currently doing.
I hate when you said you're gonna call.
I hate that you never called.
I hate how you constantly make me feel confused. And forcing me to have second thoughts.
I hate how you never make surprises.
I hate the way you have irrational fears.
I hate how you never pick me up, or take me home.
I hate how you fail to make me feel special.
I hate that you're not here.
I hate how I hate so much things about you and still can't make me leave you.

I'm a pathetic girl.

CONSCIOUS

2009-10-22T02:09:00.000+02:00

Recently, I watch myself. I was planning to do a self-introspection. But since I'm so ignorant and careless, that plan is now canceled "involuntarily".

I realize, that not being on time, would make me regret things. That in the end, most of us would turn out saying "it's too late."
No, don't expect me to arrive on time at school just because I mentioned this. Hah, that is a waaay farrrr different thing from what I was saying.

I don't know how, and why, exactly.. where.. has my confidence gone? I used to be good at this. But now I'm feeling like I'm sinking in a shallow pool.
I'm tired of hearing people say, "just enjoy it," or "you're good at this, you'll win."
I know how everyone's just being supportive, and yes, that means a bundle thank you from me. But no, that's not the problem. Oh I don't know, that maybe is the problem. Why it hasn't put on any effect on me..all those words from not just any people, but the people I love.

How life could be so frustrating.

STAYING UP LATE, WHEN I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO

2009-10-10T01:59:00.000+02:00

How dare I leave my blog unposted for.. how long has it been? Okay nevermind. Nobody reads it anyway. HAHA. That sounds pathetic. Tsch.

UPDATE NUMBER 1:
I now, officially, have a lil sister. Born on 3rd October 09 at the Cleopatra Hospital. Official name: Amira. Official name personally from her big sis: Amira Viranti. I dunno, 'Amira Viranti' is more complete. Though I dont really know what Viranti means but.. damn is anything that's beautiful has to be reasoned?
Amira cries a lot rly, but once we shove the milk bottle into her mouth, she completely stops wailing and her pink cheeks are like chewing a gum. She's so incredibly cute. And when she poops, she has this weird n funny expression on her face saying 'Hey, don't interrupt, I'm concentrating on pooping.'

UPDATE NUMBER 2:
I've achieved my purpose. Remember about the selection? I passed it quite well. But y'kno whuts surprising? I got the highest score at singing. Truly, this is so unexpected to me. Because at the audition, my throat was rly hoarse and I don't think I produced enough vibrations and so I was a bit tuneless. And moreover, there were couple of my friends whom I think, sang really better than me.
But regardless, I freaking passed the selection!!!! *YEAAH!!!!* So my energy and fats weren't sacrificed for nothing.
And so, my schedule is filled with: singing practice, singing practice, singing practice, sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. God, I'm sleep-deprived.

UPDATE NUMBER 3:
We moved to a new apartment, closer to my school. So the moving session took forever with all our abundant and bulky stuff. And the new apartment is somehow tiny. We actually had to flip the sofa vertically to fit the rest of the things, including the telly. But it's quite nice to move into this area, except that now I dont have any excuse to be late at school. But nonetheless, I just still can't be on time. I think it's the genes.
And I think eversince I've moved to this neighborhood, where I'm only barely 10 kilometers away from my friends' houses, we get together more often, go out more often, eat outdoors more often, sit at cafes more often and more importantly, SPEND MONEY MORE OFTEN. And to wrap it up, my wallet looks like a human who is urgently lack of blood.

UPDATE NUMBER 4:
I know how long distance is truly unbearable to most of us. But if I think about it, I just can't let go of my bf. Because I sort of doubt that I could never find anyone as unique as he is. He's like the Chinese panda, one of the endangered species, standing at the line of extinction. He's so rare. He NEVER gets mad, I don't know if his heart is made of the same component of most of our hearts. And in conclusion, we hardly ever have a row. And just every night I think of him and the five days we've spent together before he had left to Indo, and when I wake up I find myself dialing his number involuntarily. God, I'm so obsessed. I haven't seen him for 3 months and half, for fuck's sake!!!
I just can't wait till November.

TARGET

2009-09-12T04:30:00.000+02:00

Okay, good news.
I got my phone back.
HAHA.
Yeah, I'm serious.
It turned out that it was my aunt who kept it in her purse, and she forgot that it was with her all along. *speechless*
Surprisingly, I'm just relieved to find my old phone back rather than buying a new one.

This week, is the turning point of my life. If it's meant to be.
You see, every year the International Indonesian Schools all over the world build a competition called SILN (Sekolah Indonesia Luar Negeri). My school is invited, so next week they're gonna do a selection of that competition. The competition will be held in Makassar, Indonesia. And coincidentally, that's my hometown. OK, no. My parents' hometown. Regardless, I like it there more than in Jakarta. Because it's less polluted, less crowded and more environmental. Ha! That statement is just so go-greenish.
Anyway, back to the topic. There are five challenges. Storytelling, singing, dancing, the science of physics and economics.
I'm focusing on storytelling, but truthfully, I don't think I'm any good at either telling a story or choosing a story. But I'm gonna give it a shot.
Or maybe singing. Even though right now my throat is suffering from the cold and it feels so dry. So I might not produce vibrations, and that's the important element. I'm ill, by the way.
Or maybe dancing? I mean, last month I performed an Indonesian Traditional dance at a diplomatic reception. It was an internationally important reception, y'know. So I might try that too. If my body condition is fit by the day of the selection. Amen.
Physics and economics are a pair of my invincible enemies. This one's blacklisted.

The main thing is that I just really really need to pass the selection! And there're only 6 students who will be chosen to compete abroad. I NEED to go to Indonesia.
UGH.
God, this is so stressful.
But my girlfriends and my boyfriend have complete faith in me that I can do this, that I'm gonna pass. And I'm just so scared of disappointing them if I don't make it.

TRAGEDY

2009-08-30T19:33:00.000+02:00

I lost my goddamn cellphone.
The cellphone which I've kept and used for five bloody years. I don't give a shit about the photos in the gallery, or the love messages which mostly fill my inbox, but the CALENDAR! OMG. My calendar of which is full of the memos and anniversaries. Of when was the day I talked out of my boyfriend to make him say that he loves me (okay, I know that was on 20th June 2009), or the first day of my life when I joined the flag hoisting team (that was on 17th August 2009), or the ~~first~~ third time when I performed Indonesian Traditional Dance at the Diplomatic Reception (that was on 19th August 2009), or the first day I entered ISC (that was on January 2009 something) and etc. It's a good thing that I still have a blog. But an exposed one. UMF.
I'm gonna miss my Nokia 3230. Rest in peace, my dead phone. (the battery was already dead anyway before I've lost it).

***

Went out of town to Alexandria with family, nothin to do there, just the smell of the Mediterranean and the view of the traffic upon the hotel balcony. But I gotta say that the public transportation in Alexandria is way better than in Cairo itself.

***

I forgot to wish you guys a happy Ramadhan. My last Ramadhan was when I moved into this apartment. It seemed like so long ago. Lots of things have changed. *reminiscing*
Okay back to earth, I'm on my period *shit* so I'm allowed to curse.

TINY ACHIEVEMENTS

2009-08-17T22:19:00.000+03:00

I was handed over four tasks.

#1 ACOUSTIC BAND PERFORMANCE,
Greetings For New Indonesian Embassy Staff
14th Aug
It was so sudden when Aula texted me saying 'Kar, ure gonna sing an acoustic song in our band on 14th, ok?' 14th was just a couple of days to go. And to tell you the truth, I've never ever performed singing in front of numerous number of audience before. Especially in front of Indonesian Embassy staffs and not to mention the Indonesian ambassador in the flesh!
But well, in reality, I didn't really feel paranoid when I was 'assigned' to reveal the sound of my voice. In fact, I felt excitement, courage and just a teeny tiny doubt concerning my voice. How could they put a female hawk into this position? *self-reference*
We practiced every time we had a chance. It was only one song, which only took not more than 3 minutes. It was considered a phenomenon that we even had the opportunity to have a band practice when each of us were so burdened by other projects.
But all in all, we performed with pride and certainty. My voice, according to my closest friends, sounded good *I don't know if it was a fact, or if my pals were just trying to make me feel good*, I wasn't really worried about how my voice did sound, I just hoped that I didn't sing in a false note. And it looked like I didn't, I assume.
Zacky was part of the band too, by the way.

Not bad for my first performance, especially the part when the ambassador complemented on my voice when we shook hands. Aaw.
It was all for you, Mr. Ambassador, pleasure to do.

#2 FLAG HOISTING TEAM,
Indonesia's 64th Anniversary Ceremony
17th Aug
Flag hoisting team (or tim paskibra in Indonesian) is an extremely significant part of the 17th August 1945 Indonesian Annual Independence Day ceremony. Their duty is none other than to hoist and protect the red and white flag. It sort of resembles the movements of the marine soldiers, with all the strictness, discipline and formality. As I've mentioned in my previous post.
But this national duty has ended with pride and success. I even cried out of happiness when it was all over. It was an incredibly memorable experience.
I certainly gonna miss the hard practices we've gone through, the free food we've eaten, the uniform we've worn, the instructor (who was my civics teacher at ISC), the solidarity, the sweat, the unbelievably bogus way we sang the national anthem, and most of all, the overwhelming feeling of nationalism and patriotism which rarely passed by me.

SCHEDULE

2009-07-24T23:34:00.000+03:00

For some reason, I haven't been down.
Probably because I'm obliged to participate in the flag hoisting team for Indonesian's Independence Day ceremony on 17th August. And the training schedule has been so severe and intensive, like three times a week of marine soldiers exercises. My body incessantly felt cramped like an old lady.
But just look at the bright side, at least I'm busy doing something. Morever, it's not just anything, it's part of being loyal to my country. Part of nasionalisme. It's just like sacrificing blood to your nation. But I'm sacrifing fats.
And when schooldays have begun, my schedule (omg, I hate this word) got more tighter and stretched. Exhausting every cell of tissues of organs of systems of my tiny fragile body, working some fat off of my body, if only I have any.
But, I have purposes. And it's quite a long story. And I'm a bad storyteller, (but trust me, I'm gonna excel storytelling in about a couple of months, it's sorta part of my 'purposes') plus, I was planning to post about it another time, but I just frequently wonder, when is "another time"?

Argh. I'm sleep-deprived. And I'm feeling drowsy.

I miss the touch of your hand in mine.
Your love warms me like the morning sunshine.
I miss ur breath on my ear as we embrace.
I miss the softness of ur cheek when I touch ur face.

When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it. - Anatole France

2009-07-17T01:11:00.000+03:00

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
- Helen Keller

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly."
- Sam Keen

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
- Abraham Lincoln

"All love is sweet, given or returned."
- Percy Bysshe Shelley

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
- Soren Kierkegaard

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. "
- Anonymous

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."
- Winston Churchill

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
- M.K. Gandhi

"If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older."
- Abraham Sutzkever

MONTHS

2009-07-15T12:18:00.000+03:00

Mom has been pregnant now for nearly 6 months and a half, so in about a couple of months, I'm about to have a sister. Wow. *dances*

I have a boyfriend. But only after we're together for five days, he'd gone back to Indonesia. And yes, it was out of his hands. Long distance? Huh, I don't know how long it'll last. We'll just go with the flow. Well, for now, there hasn't appeared any sign of breaking-up tension, yet. Though, I admit, seems to me my memories with him are a lot more in calculation than mine with Nate. A lot more intimate, if I may add.

RE-LIVE A MOMENT

2009-07-12T18:54:00.001+03:00

Every evening after school, the five of us used to get together at the school's playground. Only the five of us.
Usually, Helmy would grab the black basketball which had always been left there and played with his heart. I'd just watch how he played, and how the wind blew his soft hair.
Zacky would just sit aside, his green headphone on his ears with his iPod turned on to the highest volume, that sometimes I heard vague music rhythms blasting from his headphone. But sometimes, he would join Helmy.
Rani and I would sit under the stairs that lead to the school's roof and listen to Rani's iPod, Rani would share her earphones with me and share her favorite songs. Even though most of her favorites didn't fit in my music genre.
Auli would come late because he went to a different school, and by the time he appeared wearing his usual school shirt unbuttoned with a black jersey underneath, Helmy would greet him with over-excitement and usually cried like, "Hey! Here's my best bud!" while dribbling the ball and walked over him. Auli would just laugh and smile, and fight over the ball with Helmy.
And the rest of us would just laugh at the scene.

How I wish I had a brilliant mind, and become the Time Machine inventor.

LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH

2009-07-09T15:09:00.000+03:00

OVERALL OF MAY & JUNE
Lately, on Thursdays (or any day we feel like doing it), we watch new downloaded movies at Zacky's, still with those same faces. We became really close now, that we share every personal and random things. And what made them unique was that, each of them were different people with different special characters.

For example Zacky, he's the fat dude and sort of our bodyguard (omg, he's so gonna kill me if he read this), he's the emo guy who frequently doesn't give a shit on what people say about anyone, or isn't interested in hearing about anyone's lives. The kind of person who just goes with the flow and just chill and relax. Poles apart from his mother. He's more like his dad. Man, I LOVE HIS DAD. The perfect man.
Zacky's always there whenever you need him, but he never needed anyone. He has got the brilliant mind, the physics geek.
Zacky's in the same class with Rani, just the two of them.

Rani, is the closest person to me at ISC, the person whom I always unhesitatingly share the deepest feeling I endure. She's the most loud and cheerful among us, the one who always manages to laugh and smile under any situation. And when being sad, she's the most melodramatic. Drama queen. Nervous. But she's strong if we all stood by her and encourage her.
She's the oldest, btw. But she acts like a 6 year old girl. That's why we love her.

The youngest one is Auli, he's only 13, yet, he's the most sarcastic. His jokes are all ironic, but were able to make us all laughing and rolling on Zacky's mother kitchen floor. He likes psychos, thinks that psychos are really brilliant coz they can kill anyone with anything even with napkins. To me, he's the most rare person because, I don't know. He comes up with peculiar and enthralling ideas, yet they sound logical. He enjoys basketball and football, but right now he's been feeling blue because he was kicked out of his football team, and his best friend, who later happened to be my boyfriend, had flown back to Indonesia. Long story.
Auli isn't a student in ISC, he's in Pakistan International School.

Helmy, I'll just skip this one later, coz it'll take more than a paragraph.

To confirm our togetherness as an unbroken bond of camaraderie officially, we named our small group A14I. Reasonably, all of our names ends with the letter I. Except me. So there're four Is, Rani, Zaki, Helmi and Auli. And one A, for Karina.
At first, I thought A14I sounded like a jet plane's name. But whatever. It symbolizes solidarity and unity.

One of our unthinkingly juvenile and impractical thing to do was that, if someone talked and mouthed out a sentence, that, if we listened carefully, wouldn't make any sense, or mixed up the words accidentally and came up with a wrong sentence, we'd just laugh and laugh and laugh on it over and over and over forever and ever and ever. Like, once I was at Zacky's and I was on the phone with my mom who was frustrated because I wasn't home yet, and she asked if my phone was dead, and I said nervously, 'saya gak mati hapeku' (I'm not dead my phone). Well, to mom, it sounded comprehensive. But to my friends, I remembered how they laughed to tears when they heard that sentence coming clearly from my mouth. Zacky's face was all red from the laughing, Helmy's stomach was aching, Auli resisted laughing, though I perfectly knew he wanted to laugh so bad, and Rani almost threw up. Haha. Hilarious.
I love them to death.

FRIDAY, 290509
Dad went to Algeria and stayed there for four weeks, business trip. After I'd gone back from the airport, I went to ISC because I had physics tutorial with Aula and Helmy. Yet, I couldn't focus on any of what the teacher was trying to explain. Because there was this incident, when we were studying, we caught a junior ISC student threw her phone on the ground harshly, and cried. We asked her what happened, and she said there was some girl who insulted her with pretty bad words. And so the whole junior girls at school was so psyched about it, psyched and melodramatic with all the cries and the curses. Darn, how did they become like this at this century? They acted like female hyenas.
So after the lesson, I couldn't go home, because Mom was at Dad's boss (who's a woman), whose apartment was no far from school. So I decided to catch up with mom, but when I got there, I got so bored that I told mom I was going home by myself, but mom insisted on saying no. So I told her I was going to Zacky's and phoned Helmy to pull him on a trick, Zacky's place was near too, just needed 10 minutes to walk to his apartment. I was planning to lie to Helmy when I told him to pick me up at Yudi (Yudi is my dad's boss' son, who knew us all), even though I just met Helmy half an hour ago, but I knew that A14I would be fused at Zacky's, like any other weekend. Helmy said 'okay but you should buy me lunch', and as far as I knew, if he said that, it meant that he was joking, and that he wasn't gonna pick me up. But he actually did, you know. And from that moment I felt something, but I quickly ignored it.
All the way we walked, it felt awkward, just the two of us walking, we normally walked with more than three people. But since the midsemester, almost every night we chatted online, and since then, there wasn't a night that I felt friendless. It was just that, from the way he talked online was alot different from the way we talked face to face. It was nearly confusing, if he hadn't always brought up our conversation at class every morning on what or who we chatted or joked about the night before.
When we had arrived at Zacky's, all five of us out of boredom, answered useless and pointless facebook silly quizzes. And laughed on the answers.
Laugh, laugh, laugh. Was all that we did.

WHAT U'VE MISSED PART II

2009-07-04T03:56:00.000+03:00

THURSDAY, 210509
Helmy picked me up on the way we were gonna hang out with the same people I've been hanging out with at Zacky's, except that Auli wasn't coming because he had a lesson. So it was only me, Helmy, Rani and Zacky. At first, Rani said we're planning to go to Ramsis, and as far as I know, Ramsis Square is a big bus station in Cairo. And what the hell was there to do in a bus station while the weather was melting hot? So to discuss more about our destination, we gathered at school. The conclusion of the discussion was that I've misunderstood. What they meant was Ramsis MALL, not the freakin bus station.
Oh yes, they laughed about it all day.
It was such an amusing day, although most of the time I was the object of teasing.
Later on, we went back to school, because we've walked around every corner of the mall approximately three times and we got bored. School was empty and lonesome, like a ghost cave.
Helmy, Zacky and I decided to do a lil bet on a basketball free throw. We'd been doing it frequently, though. The loser treats us ice-creams. And the loser was Zacky. Hahahaha. But he refused the bet. So till now, he still owes us a free ice-cream.
Oh and when he'd found out that he'd lost, he threw the basketball madly and just randomly, and it happened to hit my head quite harsh. DAMN. Now he owes me double ice-cream.
After that, we went to Chima's house, one of me and Helmy's classmates. Because Rani was told from her aunt to get a deposit from there. But all that happened was that we laughed our asses off because some woman who was staying at Chima's had a laugh that sounded more like a frog. HAHAHA. Even Chima's parents couldn't hold their laugh.
Amazing day.

FRIDAY, 220509
Went to the Pyramids for the millionth effin time, but this time was to be a free-paid guide tourist for my dearest new-welcomed aunt.
Yes, I was just being nice and sweet. And fake.

TUESDAY, 260509
Math lesson at Aula's, another of me and Helmy's classmates. Helmy had been interfering annoyingly quite often in my life nowadays. And had been criticizing the way I lived.
I don't know if it was coincidence or that fate was playing tricks on me.

WEDNESDAY, 270509
It was quite a medium day (wth is a medium day? idk. just feel like sayin it). In this day, another SIC student flew to Indonesia. SIC is truly getting lonesome. I mean, I think the rate of the students couldn't possibly reach to 50. So pathetic.

WHAT YOU'VE MISSED

2009-07-03T03:51:00.000+03:00

THURSDAY, 140509
Went to Zacky's home and watched Push, together with Rani, Helmy and Auli. It was sorta the start of a regular ritual of a tiny friendship.
But it was a droning movie. I spent half of the time smelling the exquisite odor of the person who was sitting next to me.

SUNDAY, 170509
A small seminar and dialog about 'Student's Motivations to Success' was held at school, it was kinda boring, and I frequently went astray from what the moderator was saying. But it was also useful, to certain listeners.
Right after that, Zahra invited a certain people (including me, yay!) to her small farewell party at KFC. She'd been so kind to me, that I felt really sad of her leaving for Indonesia.
Right after that, we gathered at Zacky's again and watched Knowing with the same people I've last time watched with at Zacky's. It was certainly better than Push, but it wasn't impressive, although the visual effects was undeniably striking.
Mom's big sister had arrived today all the way from Indonesia. She passed a few of traumatic incidents, but she still seemed tolerant and humorous. She's got the teen spirit. That's why I adore her. She's alot different from mom. Who has the strict-in-everything mom spirit.

MONDAY, 180509
Zahra had gone to Indonesia. All of the students went to the airport to wave her goodbye.
Already missing you here, Ra.

WEDNESDAY, 200509
Ate at Chillis, celebrating mom's birthday. Happy birthday, mom.

AND TO BE CONTINUED.
Because I already feel sleepy.

HAHAHA

2009-05-03T08:14:00.000+03:00

I'm as busy as a bee.
But I kinda like it. Not having to spend humdrum days at home. Only sleep deprived.

Anyway, I have another Fashion Show to go. I've no idea when's it gonna end. I don't hate it, it's just boring. You know, my job is only to walk on the catwalk (like a walking cat). My job is only being a catwoman. Now, where's the fun in that when you have to wear a Bali costume and not looking any nearer to Halle Barry?
But I took it anyway. By force. Ahem.

MOVE ALONG

2009-04-03T12:12:00.001+02:00

I think my blog link is no longer safe. I mean, I think everyone's able to read it now. And I also think that Hey Monday has read it already, and that he knows that he is Hey Monday. And off the record, he got this new spiky hairstyle that doesn't really fit with his face and made him become NOT that good looking anymore. HAH! EAT THAT!!
You know, his silent treatment to me has become a routine that I'm used to it already.

Midsemester exams starts on Sunday till Wednesday. Four subjects a day. The most harsh, injustice, callous exam schedule i've ever faced. THAT CURSED PRINCIPAL!!!!
Pray for me, guys, will ya?

I chatted with my ex yesterday, most of the conversation was filled with him telling me how he had been hypnotized and mesmerized by a girl out there, and that he's planning to start a quixotic relationship with her, even though she's two years older.
No, I'm not jealous or anything. I'm just relieved that he has moved on. And so have I.

RECENT

2009-03-28T12:07:00.000+02:00

- Fashion Show is over and had gone smoothly. But all the while, I'm already missing the times we've been working our ass off just to walk properly on stage and playing billiard while waiting for our role.
And that Bali traditional wedding dress? I wanted so bad to keep it. No, not to wear it everyday. Just a memento.

Please don't laugh.

- I've got mid semester exams coming up next week. All of the fucking sudden. And I still have no knowledge on their chemistry, their economy, their geography and their sociology. Yes, I'm doomed.

- Sadam and Ochan asked me to join their band on this specific Coldplay's, The Scientist, handling keyboard. But this plan's always delayed due to various circumstances.

- I'm still single, with no crush.

- I need new sneakers.

- I became a fan of Alicia Keys, George Winston, volleyball and Indonesian traditional dances.

SORE

2009-03-19T21:17:00.000+02:00

I had just spent the most unforgettably busiest Thursday of my life at school.
So instead of spending the day educationally like always, the principle announced the day before that we're gonna take the day arranging school's facility, replacing it with brand new ones (which is by the way, an incredibly good news), and moving the entire gazillion books in the library to another room (which is on the contrary, dog-tiring, but teamwork was amazing O.O).

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

2009-03-14T23:14:00.000+02:00

I miss manipulating photos on Adobe Photoshop.
It's neither because I don't have time, nor because of my mind currently out of creative ideas. I'm just lazy, that's all.

I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. I take physics every Sunday and you know how I feel about it. Physics = eternal enemy. Also, the teacher sucks. He hasn't got any sense of humor and he gets mad incoherently whether I answer his questions or not. And gets pissed if I answered wrong. Hey Mr., people make mistakes!

My brother is ill. He has the runs and pukes like three times a day. Doctor says he has some microbes wandering around his body and it's all because he ate spoiled crabs for lunch the day before. And he has to take a few hypos. You can imagine how he cried out of his eyes when heard that. But he managed, anyway. Brave lil brother. Bravo.

My best friend's birthday is just 17 minutes away (if, my calculation is accurate). She said she's gonna hold a small party, not as big as last year. I've no idea what to buy for her. Besides my penniless wallet, I'm completely clueless when it comes to buying birthday presents, even to the closest person on earth.

GODDDDDDDDD I FUCKINGGG HATE PHYSICS!!

HEY MONDAY - HOW YOU LOVE ME NOW

2009-03-13T14:04:00.000+02:00

Yes, I'm still loving the band Hey Monday, even though I hate the guy I named after the band's name.

Readers (if there're any), long time no read.
I've been totally frenzied with this Fashion Show crap thingy. Of which I have to wear a traditional Bali wedding dress, which looks more like a table cover wrapped around my gangling body. But I should admit that this thing is sort of amusing.
Besides that, I had been studying periodically, getting myself ready for any upcoming pop quizzes. Yes, you caught me lying.
I've been lethargic. Sitting at home like a frozen statue and everyone around me fidgeting around the house rubbing dust off. Maybe that's why I wasn't allowed to go out. But my ex had been entertaining me unintentionally despite the constant disconnection of my feeble wireless, and I already felt grateful. So rare of him to do that. LOL.
I had just watched Slumdog Millionaire. Omg. I never thought that any movie filmed in India would be exceptional, and win an oscar! Bloody terrific. Absolutely worth to see.

What else has been going on in my tedious life?
Just off the record, eversince I transferred school, I feel that my life isn't as monotonous as how it used to be. Cuz everyday I get to face challenges at SIC. Like, I learned playing volleyball, badminton, table tennis, billiard, microsoft excel (uncategorized but whatever) and thousands other things. I made friends with people I frequently met in my whole life in Cairo and misjudged from afar.
Unpredictable, yet enthralling.

By the way, so many people have birthdays in March. There's my ex, my dad, my best friend, my ex-classmate, my so-called crush (no, not Hey Monday, Hey Monday's disintegrated), Nashe, my anniversary with my ex (LMFAO) and more others. It's like all of those I cherish are linked, having something in common.

Off to bed. Band practice tomorrow.

EXPOSURE

2009-03-02T19:14:00.000+02:00

I'm a fucking idiot.
This blog contains all private and personal feelings I endure. And being exposed to someone, who I never rarely mention everyday of my life, is exceedingly an ultimate mortification. It's like my clothes are being taken off by someone who I've been secretly having a fantasy of making love with.
Come on, it's a metaphor.
Thanks to my thoughtlessness, I forgot that I once had put my blog link in my facebook. At that time, my blog was inactive. So to my idiocy, I just typed it there in the contact info part. Months later, my blog is filled with my daily delicate rantings.
I mean, what if Hey Monday has read it already? That would be a logical explanation according to his recent ignorant manner. But I doubt that he would open my facebook profile, or even read my info. He's not interested, remember? 'Kay, this is pathetic and painful.
An amount of gratitude I pass to my ex, who I expect, will be reading this crap.

***

I skipped school today for the first time. I woke up and saw that it's 7:56 AM. And figured that I'm not gonna make it. So I drifted off to dreamland.

STORY OF THE WEEK

2009-02-28T15:17:00.000+02:00

- I was being told by my ex that he drinks alcohol.

- I sobbed when I heard that.

- Later, he asked me to go back to him for the umpteenth time.

- I thought about saying 'okay'.

- But then I said no.

- He begged.

- I told him I like it better when we're friends.

- He begged again.

- And I said a final no.

- He replied with a thanks, for rejecting him for the umpteenth time.

***

- Hey Monday, we don't talk anymore. We don't even say hi to each other.

- I just realized that he's close with my ex's ex, who fancies him truly, as she confessed to me.

- I'm happy for them. Really happy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

- My ex says, SIC students and alumni don't really like Hey Monday. He says he's too superior and conceited.

- What he says is true. At least about the part 'people despise him'. Cuz he didn't seem superior when I hung out with once to Top Toys. Ah memories.. LOL.

- Honestly, I don't fancy him anymore. He's off my list. No, not because people aren't into him, but because he's not worth it. Why would I wanna waste my time liking someone who isn't even aware of my presence?

***

- My friends are being... what's the word? Discriminative.

- And prejudice.

- I hate it when they're being like this. They don't even know those people, yet they claim that they hate 'em once they show up.

***

- I get to be a model of some Indonesian Fashion Show.

- They must be blind, applying a person who is suffering anorexia *self-reference*.

- But after considering the honor, I'm immediately interested.

***

- I got 90 in maths.

- and 80 in history.

- and so, my classmates think I'm a super-genius nerdy bright knowledgeable intellectual girl.

- Well, their assumption will turn out wrong on some other subjects.

***

- Meet my new best friend at SIC, Rani.

- I just needed to show you that I'm settled.

SOAP OPERA

2009-02-19T22:50:00.000+02:00

Liking someone is truly a burden. You get to be let down all the time. Configure the consequences. Face your competitor. Check your feelings if they're genuine or not.
I've become addicted to his presence, to his kindness and sweetness, to his permissions. One from it is unavailable, then.. BANG! I find my heart crushes to pieces. Spoiled. Irrational.

I'll just run to the point cuz I'm no good at doing what I was doing.

Hectic week.
I've been up to my neck. Busy learning and playing music with unsettled bands.
Pop quizzes which exploded my mind.
People who wasted words tryinna mess with me, but their attempt didn't work as they expected.
Boys who think they're falling in love with me, but truly, they're not.
Crush, who disappoints me everytime he's near, waste of time dreaming of being his *piip*.
Sleep deprived.
Meals skipping.
Broke.

In SIC (here we go again..), students are divided into groups. There're three. First, second, third group. I'm the second group member. Each group show off their talents in self development class in turns every Thursday. So this week was our turn, and all we did was practice everyday for the role we were supposed to play.
I was the host, pianist, guitarist. Yes, I'm cool (overselfconfident).
Anyway, the performance wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad either. It was just... plain. Rigid. Gauche. Cuz everyone seemed to act upon because they're told to, not because they wanted to. Everything that comes from the heart is natural and original. And that makes it interesting.

I got four out of twelve in civics quiz. At least it was the average outcome of the quiz at class. The highest mark got was six out of twelve. Hhh nevermind. It's history now.

Talking about history, Hey Monday is now too. I know I still have a little teeny tiny bitsy hope that he would like me. But reviewing his behaviour recently, just tremendously unfeasible. What's he been acting like? I'll tell ya, even though it bites my heart.
He talks to me, only if necessary, that's barely a 'Hi'.
Everytime I walk pass him, he never says a word. KTHXBYE.
Sometimes, he tickles me. But that's.. what? Like three days ago?
My classmate, who happens to be my ex's ex, who happens to be really kind to me, also happens to have a crush on him, or, if using her words, 'falling in love with prince charming'. Disaster. Though I assume he could fall to like her too cuz they're pretty close.
He never glances at me again. That explains it.
The part which crashes me the most is that he doesn't stay long at school. Usually, he comes over just to tutor the juniors and dashes off as quick as lightning. So we never really have time to chit-chat.

One day, I was waiting for dad to pick me up as usual, Hey Monday had left early without saying a word so I was feeling completely down and thwarted, so I kinda acted like a bitch if somebody started a conversation with me, and I didn't bother to draw on hypocrisy. The only method to lighten myself up was to contact my ex. I'm aware that it sounds crazy. What I'm unaware of is that why he always makes me feel better, and how does he do it. Don't say 'it's love'. Cuz that's old.
However, I texted him saying,

wut r u doing?
reply.
important.

and after wut seemed like ten seconds, he actually replied,

I'm watching a film at a friend's house. wut is it?

and I typed,

I wanna talk. I'm sad.

and he goes like,

wut is it? spill.

and I spilled all bout Hey Monday, except telling him his real name. And that irritated him alot.

That means you're in love.
Didn't you feel like that when I was around?
Who is he anyway?

he said. After I told him everything.

I don't know. I don't remember.
But I know that I like talking to you, even now.
I don't wanna tell you his name. You'll bark laughing.

FYI, my ex knows Hey Monday. They're not close. But they're definitely not away from each other. They talk and play music together alot.

Oh no. Is it Tom?
Kar, are you serious?

He knows Tom too. And he knows Tom likes me. What he expects is that I'll never accept Tom's hand. But he's a fool to trigger his prediction. He perfectly knows that I'll never take any boy's love who's younger than me, even a year.

Are you stupid or what?
Of course it's NOT TOM!
You're unbelievable.

Who is it then?
I wanna know. NOW.

I'm not telling you.

Then he didn't reply anymore.

The next morning, I chatted with him online. He was as aggravated as the day before, and even more, just bcuz I wasn't telling him the name of the guy I liked. This was really fun.
I did feel better.
And feel even more better while typing this.

LOVE STORY

2009-02-13T23:03:00.000+02:00

God perfectly knows that I fucking love Thursdays. Particularly this one.

I was practicing being a host at school, speaking in formal Indonesian, which was difficult to the max *although all I had to say was 'Assalamu Alaikum' and read a paper*. Anyway, suddenly he appeared. DEG DEG DEG. Y'know, the Hey Monday guy.
Couple of days before, I had been thinking that I didn't actually like/falling for him. He's nice, sweet, whatever, but he's not the only one who's gentle.
But once he shows himself up, I just feel this sort of indescribable emotion, like, I just wanna chat with him about anything in everything while looking into his eyes which is kinda gray-coloured. Mysterious. LOL.
So anyway, where was I? Right, he appeared while I was standing in front of a big mirror practicing, he didn't say hi or anything. At times I stared at him and when his eyes flickered to mine, I turned away. Truly awkward. But fun.

Anyway, I was waiting for Dad *who was still in Alexandria* to pick me up, so I sat at the stairs. He showed up later when he'd just finished tutoring guitar. None of us said a word. He sat just a few meters away, headset in his ears. I was putting headset too, and out of the blue I just sang what I was hearing, Taylor Swift's Love Story
"cuz you were romeo I was a scarlet letter..
and my daddy said stay away from Juliet.."

"You like Taylor Swift!" he exclaimed all of a sudden.
"Yeah, well."
"Which album have you got?" he asked.
"Fearless."
"Is that the first or the second one?"
"I dunno. I don't pay much attention to albums."
"I see."

A few minutes later..

"Why are you still here? Everyone's gone home," he said.
"I'm waiting for my dad, he's picking me up, he's still in Alexandria, and it takes 2-3 hours to reach Cairo. How about you? Why are you here?"
"That sucks. I'm waiting for Haisam *his buddy*."
"Ow."

It was getting dark and I was bored from sitting. So I stood up and walked to the playground. Bunch of seniors were playing basketball.
I wanted to sit on the playground's stairs, but it was wet, so I leaned to a wall.
He appeared again later. And stood not faraway.

"You don't play?" I asked him.
"Nah. I don't like basketball."
That was something.
"Really? Weird."
"*laughing* Even when I was at SIC, I never played. It's harsh."
"Hmm."

Couple of minutes later, I checked the stairs if it was still wet or not, it got dry, so I sat, and he momentarily sat behind.
We watched, got bored. And to my surprise..

"Wanna go to Top Toys? *a shop that sells unique stuff, especially in the atmosphere of Valentine*" he asked.
I thought for seconds.
"Yeah okay, I'm stinking bored here anyway."
"Me too."

Top Toys is just meters away. So all we did was walk and talk. We talked about whatever, just not to make it awkward. He asked where, when, I was born. He's 21, by the way. And I'm 16. Shit.
He asked me stuff, like which university am I gonna apply, what's it like for me at SIC *he's a SIC alumni*.
And I, asked him frivolous things, like when's he going back to Indo *he doesn't know and he wants to stay in Egypt longer, although college sucks*, does he have a girlfriend *no he doesn't. YAY. LOL*, and so on.
We joked too. He was kinda humorous. He knew how to make a laugh without crispiness. His voice is soft, low. Frequently he said something and I just didn't quite hear and told him to repeat. He never minded, though.
Everytime I sang, and if he knew what song, he would complete the lyrics and sing it with me. He's incredible.
His eyes are sorta gray. Not normal. I've never seen any of those eyes before, yet it kinda dazzled me.
He's tall and lanky. But his sense of style covered it, with his casual way of clothing.
At the shop, he was reaching for a monkey doll that sings, when I told him, "we're like fools, looking for valentine gifts with no one to give."
He pushed the "on" button on the monkey's hand and said, "who cares? It's up to us. Suka-suka kita dong," and smiled.

After staying long at Top Toys, he asked if we could go to another similar shop that I forgot it's name. I said sure.

On the way, he got to know more about me. I was quite surprised with myself too, cuz I told him things that I don't usually tell anybody. Such as, I can't ride a two-wheeled bike, he laughed when I told him that, but not exaggeratedly. And the fact that I'm scared of cats, that's a weakness, y'kno.

I think that's enough of Hey Monday.
Oh, right. He likes Lady Gaga. Man, he's awesome.

***

My ex wanted me back.

He said, "why don't we go back together?"
"Why're you suddenly saying that?" I asked.
"I still like you," was all he could reply, and it wasn't enough.
"Believe me, you don't like me, you're just liking me."
"No, I like you forever." Like hell right.
"I don't wanna build a long-distant relationship. So let's just be friends."
"Okay. I won't compel you."

LIAR.

***

Remember Tom? He said to me, "Kauwrinah, I really really like youh," on the phone, loudspeaker, in front of his buddies.
And after a couple of days, he started acting weird by being so fully over-protective.
God, I hate this. Please get rid of him.

***

Mom's pregnant. YAYY.

HEY MONDAY - CANDLES

2009-02-05T21:26:00.000+02:00

I'm excruciatingly worn out.
My mind, my whole body, my heart are tired. I'm fully relieved that I could rest this entire night without limits. Cuz nowadays when I wake up at seven AM and the thing that pops in my mind is "stand up. meet your classmates." and it makes me hesitate, but then I visualize my parents' image, and I begin to carry myself out of bed instantaneously.
Tomorrow is weekend. Hallelujah.
It's nearly a conclusion, that my purpose of transferring to SIC mainly is to please my parents. They wanted me to move. So, I moved. I know they know what's best for me. And I'll just go with the flow.

Okay anyway, I met someone t'day. Oh well actually I talked to that someone. I've recognized him long. But never really shared a conversation or even had any bother to say hello. And today, at self development period (somewhat like art/music class, showing off individual talents) he appeared. He gave hints on music and tutored acoustic guitar playing to juniors.

So I was walking past him and then,
he (suddenly) : "Karina!"
me : "*greeting his name*"
him : "You're a SIC student now!"
me : "Sure, ain't it cool?" *showing off my school pants, foolishly*
him : "Sure is. Are you doing well? Is it hard for you?"
me : *spilling words with obnoxious language when it came to the subjects, esp. in scientific parts*

and so on.

He's really nice. And cool. I sort of like him. He's pretty good-looking too. Hehe. He also helped me fix a keyboard adapter.
He called my name from afar and I turned to look, he abruptly threw something and I panicked but I instinctively catched it before it fell off the ground and I'd be the one to blame, and when I realized what it was, it was his cell. He smiled and laughed on seeing what I did and said, "please fill it's battery."
I was all completely flying *this statement don't signify that I'm on drugs, or alcohol*, that he told me twice. Thrice, I mean.
So anyway, most of the evening I sat staring at his face, and when he turned to look, I look away. HAHAHAHAHHAA.
So much for common teenage crush stories.

By the way, he asked me if I knew Hey Monday. Some group of a cool band. I wasn't really listening, so he asked me twice, again, *he must have thought I needed ear-cleaning*, and I was completely transfixed, cuz Firah, my loyal bud *how can I thank you enough?* had just sent me a song of them a few days ago and I swiftly had a crush on it. But now, since I knew he likes it too, I fell in love with it.
I forgot it's title, so I just sang it to him, and imprudently, I sang the part that said,
"Everything you say,
everytime we kiss I can't think straight,
but I'm okay."
It suddenly felt like it's true. Though it's stupid. Regardless.

And here I am, staying up late downloading each recorded song of Hey Monday.
Ah, life is beautiful without chemistry, maths and physics.

WISH I COULD FIND THE PLACE I BELONG

2009-02-03T15:23:00.000+02:00

On Sunday night before I was getting ready to sleep, I was interviewing myself about my first day at SIC. It helped, you see.

How was your first day?
Nothing major. It was kinda like every other first-days, only everyone at school recognizes me. The school follows the moving class program.

How did your classmates treat you?
We're only seven people. So it's very few. They're all very nice. Although there were two girls who one of them I once had conflict(s) with and she hated me, and the other who I never really talk to. But they didn't do anything bad or even whisper in front of my face, they also never stared with hatred in their eyes. I kinda feel guilty cuz I expected negative outcomes when they all turned out to be helpful.
I don't talk much with them, but at least when I ask something about anything, they don't ignore me.

How's the subjects? Is it on the same level that you have taken before?
That's my biggest issue. Their physics, maths and biology (and I bet chemistry will join the club) are extremely complicated and it's beyond my knowledge. I couldn't understand both, the lessons and the teachers. Think I'm gonna have to take extra lessons.
By the way, I also took Indonesian Language learning for the first time in my life. I know I could speak, read and listen Indonesian, but since I was born I had never attended Indonesian schools before nor taken any Indonesian curriculum. So it's kinda weird. Not to mention interesting.

Ok that's it. I'm having fun. But I'm exhausted.

THURSDAY

2009-01-30T17:28:00.000+02:00

was SPECTACULAR in various ways.

Future Language School (FLS)
Nine in the morning
Attending the final-last exam, final-last day (for me) at school. Exam was horrible, don't wanna fuss about it cuz I screwed up. Maybe I deserved it cuz I haven't really been good to God.
Schoolmates were as friendly as they were the first time I had met em. Only, I met the ones who click with me more. I can't believe they were all so bummed about me transferring to another school. I thought they didn't like me that much cuz I rarely blend in with anybody. Just a standout for being a foreigner.
But it was OK for me cuz everyone had been so sweet and loving. And I'll always remember every each of them. So we took photos, not a lot and not enough, cuz I had to go to another place. But we planned going to the movies later at noon.

Al-ola Language School
About eleven
Fadilah called and told me she was at Al-ola, my previous school I'd attended for ten years approximately. Not actually my favorite. But I miss my al-ola friends and teachers. So I thought I'd drop by. But the guards said all of them were on the other branch. We didn't bother, it's too far.

Bookfair
Around twelve
Not very crowded at that time cuz we were early. Bookfair opens once a year, along between January and February, lasts less than a week, sells various books with various languages (but only the major ones) and incredibly various prices according to shops, from the costs-more-than-a-coat to less-than-a-penny. Cheap and used books are usually available in shops built with tent and wood racks and everything's dusty, messy, humid and crowded. We had to walk carefully so we don't stumble anything. But it was absolutely worth going there to buy a book for five to nine L.E which costed hundreds in Virgin Megastore. Fadilah bought a plenty. But I only chose two and bought an interior magazine for my mum.
Fadilah bought mostly the books I wanted to read, so I'd borrow it from her later when she finishes reading it instead of spending money on it just to collect.
We spent four hours browsing in bookfair.

Citystars Mall
Three thirty
I went home and changed. And set off with Fadilah, again, to Citystars -middle east's biggest mall till 2oo8, I acknowledged-
Fadilah was meeting up with her friends in Al-ola whom she became close with (and I hadn't) and I had plans with people from FLS. We split up and decided to meet together again when we're done cuz we had to go to Aminah's family farewell party at the Indonesian embassy, her father was an important guy in the business world and they were flying back to Indonesia, never to return (I sound like one of those narrators in thrillers).
So I met Dina and Shaden and a couple of their friends I didn't recognize but were very nice, especially this girl named Suhaila. And Shaden's lil brother was really cute-looking. We wanted to watch Twilight although me and Shaden had seen it already (and didn't mind seeing it again) but the seats were full, not to mention other movies too. It was everyone's last day of tormenting exams and it was a break season. So we just wandered off and decided a place to eat. Dina, Suhaila and me preferred Sbarro, Shaden and the rest picked Burger King, we intended to sit together, but we ended up in groups. Dina and Suhaila were fun people. As we wandered aimlessly, we judged every face of handsome guys we saw. We constantly bump into people we know. Surprisingly, I met Fadilah's older sister.
We were looking for a present for Noura's belated birthday, and Dad called to say he was already at the party and I'd better be going there now. I told my Egyptian fellows that I had to leave and they were very disappointed, particularly Dina, and promised to hangout again sometime.
I met up with Fadilah at McDonald's and hugged friends of her who I was familiar with, we took some photos and left together. Before exiting the mall, we bought takeaway coffees from Costa to drink in the cab. Cuz it's a long bridge to pass to reach the embassy.

Indonesian Embassy
Around seven
We took off of the cab hurriedly and entered the embassy with an emergency of going to the toilet, and eventually we blended into the crowd and found Sandra (ya kno, the SIC girl who's one of the nice ones), and chatted with her group. I found myself already adapted with plenty of SIC students, cuz most of the night I mingled with them tattering about whatever and teasing each other. I also talked to both of my soon-to-be classmates, not actually talked, just a short converstion like:
Girl 1: 'Heey, here's our brand new classmate!'
Me: 'Hehehehehe'
Girl 1: 'So when're you gonna start?'
Me: 'Err. I have no idea, yet.'
Girl 1: 'Alright then, we have to go, see ya.'
Me: 'See ya.'

and bump into another one:
Girl 2: 'Karinaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.'
Me: (calling her name)
Girl 2: 'How ya doing?'
Me: 'Great. You?'
Girl 2: 'Equally great. We're gonna share classes, right?' (winks)
Me: 'Sure. I have to go now. I'll see you at class.'
Girl 2: 'Of course. Bye.'

Oh FYI, one of my soon-to-be classmates was going to leave SIC cuz her dad was fired or whatever. It relieved me a lil cuz I never got a long with this particular girl, but on the other hand I felt sorry for her.
Anyway, it was a great night. I got along with plenty of SIC people, I shook hands with my new principle and asked his permission of wearing pants not skirt considering the uniform.
I watched my lil brother performed playing drums (he was so incredibly cool, I was extremely proud of him that I recorded every moment of it).

It was spectacular as I had expected. Unforgettable in many words. One of the best days and nights.

ME NEEDS VACATION

2009-01-28T16:12:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow is Thursday.
Tomorrow I won't sit at home.
Tomorrow isn't going to be cold.
Tomorrow I'll be going to the movies.
Tomorrow I'm setting off to the book fair, hopefully.
Tomorrow will be an amusing day.
Tomorrow I have Islamic theory exam.
Tomorrow is the last day of infinite tests.
Tomorrow dad will give me an amount of money.
Tomorrow I'm doing anything I want.
Tomorrow, is the closing stage of anguish.

Sunday, it will start all over again.

MIND AND SOUL ALTERATION

2009-01-27T12:11:00.000+02:00

Zooey Deschanel
I love her, and I love her style in the first one.

Let's be frank, I never liked Egyptian girls. True. Originally, they love doing belly dance, put loads of make-ups exaggeratedly, idolize Arabic singers -making me puke, talk with an oh-so-extremely girlish voice which sounds really pathetic, and have a lame sense of clothing, choosing outfits that outline their plump and flabby silhouette.
You get my point.
But before you assume the wrong assumption, I'm letting you know that nowadays, my point of view towards them are about to alter. Oh well, not completely. Because everyone's different. And I just met different people at school. Just when I was planning to move. Sad. Really Sad.
Let me introduce you to Shaden, Noura and Dina.
Shaden is a half american and half Egyptian girl who wraps her head with scarf like nuns, but in a cool way. Her skin is translucent and she's got freckles like Ronald Weasley. She's very calm and sincere, isn't really the type who frequently blabs incoherently.
Noura is a blondie. She's hot, but she's faraway from feminine. Her features are perfect with each other but she doesn't bother emphasizing her beauty with cosmetics. She's very boyish and she talks brutally. I doubt that she even thinks whenever she talks. She declared it herself, she never really uses her brain. But I extremely adore her kind heart.
Dina is the wildest. Man, she never stops jabbering about almost anything. She recognizes almost everybody at school and almost everybody love her commentaries. Including me. She's very social because she's aware of topics which approximately every teenager tattle, whether it's in relation to movies, music, trips, gossips, boys etc. I feel comfortable with her cuz sometimes I'm a quiet person among Egyptians but D, S and N are the only people at school who just get me wholly.
Tsch. Never thought I'd get along with ppl in this country.

On the other hand, I gained a phony friend who treats me all with her fake niceness and sweetness, but she's a snake under flowers.
Let's not talk about it, it's bad cursing people behind their backs.
In fact, let's not talk at all, I'm tired.

LIFE IS ABSURD

2009-01-25T18:17:00.000+02:00

I'm so grateful for having wonderful friends. Particularly big fat thanks for Lynda and Fadilah for doing a tiny birthday surprise party at midnight with all the birthday cake, birthday candles and birthday presents. Hehe.
And thank you for the greetings from everyone, a 'happy birthday' from anybody even from a stranger mean so much to me. Thank you thank you thank you. I can't thank you enough, really.

If you ask me, my sixteenth birthday wasn't really bad, but it wasn't also the best, err as far as I could remember. Yeah well, it's been five or six days since my birthday and every freakin day I have at least one-subject exam.
Finals, endless torment.
Anyway, I didn't celebrate except in that petite sudden surprise.

I have Geography tomorrow. But it's much more merciful than physics. Physics is the core of evil, mind disease. But Geography is really long and takes time, it also bothers me coz it's in Arabic. So I'm not really into studying it, I'm not into studying anything now. I'm enjoying a new game I've been recently playing.
Polyvore.
Oh yeah. I'm not even attracted to anything related to fashion, since clothes and accessories in Cairo are lame and expensive, nothing really fits my taste.
But damn. Polyvore shows me stuff I'm craving! See, everytime I see an item, I go like, 'Omg! This one's really cool!' and the next I see another one I'd repeat the same statement over and over inexhaustibly. None of those things really exist in Egypt. Egypt has crappy stuff. Oldies. Crappies.

By the way, we fought. Nate and I. I admit it was my fault cuz he said 'Eh kecil mungil' in an inconvenient situation when I was currently filled with fury, so I roared rage to him accidentally.
He made me bomb.
But puhlease, who started the 'you're-a-stranger-to-me-now' thing first? He'd never say sorry for that. He'd say it directly, 'you're nothing to me.'
Dude, I don't know if you've been anything to me lately. But I apologized genuinely and apologizing to anyone is extremely a struggle for me, so if you could at least appreciate what I did and just get over it, that would be good.
Otherwise leave my soul alone and sing Timbaland's song.

WHAT THE HECK DOES NEWTON WANT FROM ME?

2009-01-19T19:52:00.000+02:00

Crap. I forgot where I've put my old Burberry diary! I hid it somewhere in the apartment, but no idea where, I've searched every closet, desk, drawer, practically everywhere, everything.
I'm fully aware that the diary isn't really very important cuz it contains nothing about my pathetic life but the lovey-dovey stuff. Yeah who else but my ex?
Anyway, I scribble in it every two-three months about my constantly vague relationship with my ex (not that we're still together), I started using that diary since I've met him and all my favorite texts and poems he made are in there. Not to mention our entire arguments and sweet memories (which seem so abhorrent now) is fully written day after day. But since we've broken up I rarely opened it. And since it's too personal, I kept the diary locked, and the key's gone now, no idea where but I could always smash-break the lock cuz it's really tiny.
However, it's gone now. And that concludes, whatever between me and Nate is gone too. Past (perfect) tense. But I gotta admit that losing that diary is totally a bummer. If the diary is in my hands now, I'd write down:

Dear diary,
Me and Nate occasionally have conversations now, aside from our miles away distant, I feel like I couldn't start talking with him when actually there're really alot of stuff I wanna talk to him about. Yes I miss him very much but he acts like a jerk and that makes me hesitant. He pisses me off everytime we have the chance to talk and he ruins my peaceful mood. I doubt that he remembers my birthday. Not that I care, or at least trying not to. But seriously, we're still friends and I'm always there to hear his adventures with his new crushes even though it crushes me. He doesn't deserve me. But still, I can't seem to let go of him. Or maybe I just assumed that I love him when I don't..

And so on. I feel like a spoiled bitch. How can anyone say this about a stupid boy? I sound so fragile and weak. And it makes me sick.

I'm supposed to be studying (I say this too frequently nowadays) physics now cuz tmrw is the final. I hate physics. I hate Newton. Why did he have to create those intricate rules and impel me to memorize it when I, not even in my wildest dreams nor my worst nightmare, wish to be a boring physicist setting up mathematical equations on my entire life. Was he really bored back in those days where there were no myspace, friendster and facebook and preferred explaining all those gravitational laws (or law?) I mean, I'd be more than interested to get to know him if he chose to be the creator of myspace, friendster and facebook.
I'm cursing Newton because physics exam has to be on the day my age upgrades a year.

My fate sucks, really, truly.
And Newton sucks more.
Nate is beyond sucker.

TU ME MANQUE, beaucoup really

2009-01-17T18:56:00.000+02:00

Egypt feels like Antarctica today without the snow. Thank heavens it doesn't snow here in Cairo. I think my teeth are gonna scattered into pieces resulting from the clutter and freezing and my bones are gonna crash.
I'm over-reacting.
Must be from the cold. LOL.

I woke up at four in the morning as usual (darn, when's this gonna end?) just to study Arabic. I hadn't studied anything and the exam was in three or four hours. And the lessons were just a burden, including Arabic literature, Arabic poetry, Arabic history and all Arabic crap. I kept my patience because this would be my very final-goodbye Arabic exam since I'm transferring to 'another school'(don't know why I'm still not used to saying it).
We had two papers and we took each in separate period, the first one contained Arabic literature and writing, was a piece of pie. Like, I finished it in 15 minutes (not meaning to brag, but that's a record *wink*) when we're given time 1 hour and half, except that part of writing which was about 'Teenagers are the mirror of the Future', I had to write it down in English and translate it word by word. After approximately a decade learning Arabic language, I still find difficulties in writing, so I frequently use that method coz it usually works (just like it did this morning. ahahahah)

Anyway, the second paper included Arabic poem, another literature and grammar. Grammar was never a problem for me. But dang! Poetry and this piece of literature knocked my head off. I squeezed my brain till there's nothing left of it to remember things that I've forgotten. So I wrote anything related to the answer down. I made sure that no question was unanswered, even though I made almost everything up. And.. voila! I wrote something correct after I accidentally heard my utterly superbly brilliant friends jabbering about answering it wrong and let me know the correct one! And voila again! I got it right. HA! Who expected this one coming?

By the way, I was in the playground when all the Arabic chaos had finished, and I passed a group of junior students. And suddenly someone touched my hair gently, and I instinctively turned my head to see who dared to do so, and I faced an Egyptian girl who had a curly brownish hair with glasses covering her round eyes, yeah she was pretty, not a usual feature of a typical Egyptian, then she -all of a sudden- giggled and said,
"Omg! She's so adorably cute!"
and I was like.. and my head was like.. *speechless*
and I immediately thought something like,
"Omg! She must be a lesbo!"
then I ran away, HAHAHAHA.

I'm really extremely sleepy to the max. My eyes are red like newborns *again* and my face is pale (but I can still blush). I might go to bed, but the waking-up-at-four-in-the-morning shit is seriously bugging me. What's with that period, anyway? Azan Subuh is at five.

Gotta go. Geometry final's coming tomorrow. WIZMILAQ. lol.

ABOUT TO COLLAPSE

2009-01-15T07:40:00.000+02:00

Man, yesterday was extremely exhausting.

I wrote about my sleeping trouble, aight? So last night I didn't sleep till four in the morning n woke up at seven sharp coz I got plans with Lynda to 'study together' at Beano's. Really, sitting at the cafe in the morning with all the quiet and peaceful atmosphere (except that there were boys sitting behind us laughing like jerks) soothed my head. And I was almost able (if it weren't for those gay boys) to concentrate on studying physics and finished three units with only a cup of cappuccino caramel flavor (which had no taste of caramel at all).
Anyway, after that, I had to go home to change into the school uniform coz I had Arabic Guidance or whatever to catch up, it was optional, but I was really failing in Arabic and the final is on Saturday.

I catched three buses on my way to school. And it was fucking humid. Which felt good coz it's winter and freezing, and I got a short-summer-breeze day.
The teacher gave us instructions in Arabic grammar only, which wasn't doing me any good coz I've already comprehended the tactics since moons ago. The only thing I was falling into was the Arabic literature, billions of words I don't know what the hell it means and I had it hard to understand paragraph after paragraph.
He didn't mention any of the literature section and he looked like he was in a hurry grabbing his sunglasses and his too-many three phones (he's an important instructor in Arabic sector), so I didn't bother to ask and decided to ask dad's help in that.
I was thinking of what to do at home when I was on the way and I thought of why not go to the park just to take pictures. I hesitated because I normally don't like hanging anywhere without a company. But I hate to be alone at home more when I have nothing to do but staring at nothing. Geez nothingness bothers me. So I phoned Lynda. She suggested going to Cilantro instead of the park. I thought 'two cafes in one day? I must be frittering money away sloppily' but what the heck. Besides she wanted to study there. So off we went.

Later, I went home at eight night. Nobody was back. So I played internet for awhile and started to feel all lethargic. I got so happy and hoped I could sleep and wake up in the morning shining. Anyway, I did manage to sleep, but it was kinda uncomfortable coz I was slightly awake all of a sudden every one or two hours. But then I force myself to drift off again. Till four in the morning, I couldn't sleep again.
Seriously, exasperating.
Fine, I thought, what the heck I'm gonna play Zoo Tycoon till I get drowsy. Didn't work +_+
So I'm still awake while I'm typing this. I think I need a consultant. PFFT.

Damn. I really miss Nate. Wonder what's he doing.

NEWBORN? LOL

2009-01-12T02:49:00.000+02:00

Is it my bad luck, or is it fate that every year my birthday must always be in the middle of the fucking finals?!
Oh well, I don't celebrate my birthdays anyway since I was twelve, I think. But still, I just wanna sit around my friends on the day I'm getting old. Not taking some excruciatingly intricate physics exam! I just 'can't hardly wait'.
I can't believe my age is getting on every year and my body isn't even nurturing. What the hell is wrong with my body, I wonder? I gain weight, and the next day I lose it. HHHHHH maddening.

I fancy lomo cameras. Especially the Holga type. Lomography accentuate casual and spontaneous photography. Snapshot, blurring, 'happy accidents'. Not to mention I recall they have a motto, sounded like 'Don't think, just shoot.' It suits me because I hate thinking. But I doubt I would find it here in Egypt. Coz things here are either just too modern or waay too classic. And unquestionably too pricey. Besides, I don't think dad would let me buy one. Unless if I saved money. Come to think about it,.... Nah. Not likely.
Talking bout saving things.. I've been collecting posters lately. And stole some from the magazines at the school library (I just couldn't resist cutting out Panic! At the Disco's), I've also been planning to dangle them on the wall, but everytime I'm idle I just prefer doing something else even though I thought about doing it.

It's 5 AM. My sleeping time is very unusual recently. Following vampire rules. (Not involving Stephanie Meyer's blood-drinkers). I sleep at the day, and awake at night. No coffins or bats, thank heavens.

INTRODUCTION

2009-01-09T00:53:00.000+02:00

The reason why I've converted the layout, because my acquaintance Crystal used the same former layout. No offense, Tal, and nothing personal. I just feel bizarre drawing on the same layout with anybody nearby.

It has been almost like forever since I've opened my deviantart. Feel free to criticize, comment, fave, whatever you wanna do. It's musty anyway.
I really miss toning, texturing, editing, cutting and pasting in Adobe Photoshop. I feel like I'm not capable anymore. But I know once I open the program and have an illustration stuck on my mind, I will work it out, like playing a song you haven't played for awhile, you know.
I'm suddenly interested in showing off some shots. Just so you people recognize my utterly cute, lovely, glowing face. HA! Talkin bout over-confidence.

this is how I really really really look like

yes, this is how I look like after the plastic surgery. ha!

this is my most favorite photo-manipulation

these are my best friends at home

this is the geeky brother and the charming sistah

these are the two most precious people I cherish since I was born

left to right: Nuriya the most mature, Lynda the most moody, me the prettiest (as if), Fadila the most chatty, Deedee the most serene, Putri the coolest
(I'm being generous, because I've uploaded this image even though I don't look good *tongue out*)

last but not least... my dearly-loved husband. i loves him forever, and neither you, nor you, knows how much he means to me. hahahhaahah

The Unique Award. *deliberate

2009-01-02T10:00:00.000+02:00

Got this from Firah. Love ya babe. *smooch*
I've been missing alot of 'homeworks' and tags. So this one comes first.

The Rules :
1. Pajang award ini di blog anda!
2. Beri judul "The Unique Award" pada judul postingan anda!
3. Jawab 3 pertanyaan ini !

. Benda unik apa yang lo punya ?
hmm. pengen sihh

2. Apakah elo mengoleksi benda-benda unik ? kalo iya sebutkan apa saja !
nykp gw punya banyak th...

3. Apa penyebab elo bisa membuat dan mempunyai blog yg 'unik' ini ?
jajajajajajah karna yg punya orgny 'unik'

4. Berikan award ini kepada blogger lain yang mempunyai blog unik seperti punya lo ! (boleh berapa aja)
Wildo, Hasna, Lynn, Crystal, Inez. i think the rest has got it already.

NEW YEAR'S EVE & A petite AFFIRMATION

2009-01-01T21:35:00.001+02:00

New Year's Eve
First and foremost, I wanna say happy new year 2009!
Frankly, 2008 wasn't satisfying, but I'm thankful to God that I'm still inhaling and exhaling healthily *I assume* till this day to rejoice this new year. So many memories, so many (new) people interfered in my life, so many new personalities I gained in 2008. And hoping for the same and even better in 2009.
Okay, I'll quit being all formal and ceremonial.

Resolutions:
1. Be a better person.
No idea how, but will figure it out. Thanks for friends who were *and still* willing to help by bursting out my bad attributes.
Try to be a lil more religious, meaning try to the utmost, pray five times a day and murmur God's name frequently.

Stop talking about people's peccadillo *I admit that's harsh* behind their backs *how? No idea either.*
Okay, you get it.

2. Study hard.
Not what I had in mind but can't find what else to 'resolute' since it only revolves on number one.
Since I'm transferring to SIC, positively, I should be gingering up with the subject matters especially when most of them are in Indonesian.

3. Keep contact.
With friends abroad. Because lately I grasp I've been a loner that for them it looked like I had lost interest. Except to one particular person. Not gonna clarify.

Okay mainly, I'm gonna need to renew my personalities to be enhanced and if I botched, I'mma have stick with who I am now, which I don't know who. Whatever *sigh

Petite Affirmation
Without letting you know the pros, I declare that I will transfer to SIC *all too ceremonial again*
I've made my mind up last night when I went for the new year's eve party which was held in the Indonesian Embassy. At first I didn't wanna go because I had plans spending the new year with my friends whom I was positive weren't heading to the embassy. But mom and dad compelled me.
Of course, the entire SIC were celebrating there and I wasn't close with any of them, but a few are really nice people who don't mind an outsider *like me* hanging out with them.
I waited in the picket room so by the time my friends had arrived to pick me up, the process would only take awhile.
The sound of the door opened startled me and interrupted my quick thoughts. Sandy (SIC's principle's first daughter), Adam, Gale and a girl I didn't recognize, came in. They're SIC students but the ones who are okay with me, but I didn't know about that girl.
Sandy and Adam were very surprised to see me and went frenzy. It's what I really like about them, not being hypocritical like others. Gale's a calm and shy boy, and has always been like that *at least in front of me* but I never minded as long as he respects me. The other girl turned out to be a sweetie, her name's Raven, she said she'd heard about me and she treated me equally. But I couldn't help but wonder what she'd heard.
Anyway, Adam said the party was prosaic because parents were doing lame karaoke parties and they couldn't stand it, so they decided to have a walk alongside the Nile since it's just around the corner. They invited me so I agreed.
We took photos and chatted vaguely and laughed at silly things *specifically at Adam* It was one experience I've never had with people from SIC *my ex is a one exception* Because mainly, we don't live in the same street since we were born and so there's like a barrier between us making it impossible for us to have a bond. Not all of the SIC people could see that barrier, or possibly ignore it's presence, people like Sandy, Raven, Gale and his sister, Adam and.. *with complete deliberation* my ex.
We were all too tired and freezing cold from wandering so we walked back to the embassy. I hesitated on the door but Sandy said it was okay because she, Raven and Adam would stick with me. So I entered with vacillation and, as predicted, SIC students scattered everywhere. But later, the weird thing was most of them greeted me after I blended, and they look... relaxed, like I wasn't a burden. Of course my soon-to-be classmates treated me like a statue, except one though, her name is Cameron, she's always been kind to me in a teasing way. While she was hugging me, her other friends looked away avoiding meeting their eyes to my direction.
Raven called my name to sit next to her and there were SIC students surrounding her and so I sat there and talked with them. Surprisingly, they suddenly asked me if it was true what they had heard about me shifting school, I said 'yeah. Probably, but haven't made the decision yet.' They asked what's the problem and I replied with all fakeness 'I think I won't blend with the uniform since all of you guys wrap your heads.' I managed to smile, then all their reply was 'don't worry, you don't have to wrap yours. We'd love it if you settled with us!' they smiled back sincerely and I decided to stop giving excuses which closely seemed related to the cons of transferring. Then I thought, yeah, what is the problem, anyway? They all seem to approve my attendance around them, and kindly offer assistance. Then the soon-to-be my classmates' image appeared and I found myself not caring a hang.

SIC, you twist me

2008-12-23T03:13:00.000+02:00

I'm so confused. My parents need me to transfer to SIC (Indonesian School in Cairo).Why? Because of numerous reasons.
The disadvantages of transfering to SIC:
1.There're certain students in there who couldn't stand my presence (I feel the same way). Cheers.
2. I will attend the same classes with them.
3. I will see their hatred sparks like, for 8 hours everyday.
4. I will have to get up really earlier than usual cuz the school's really far.
5. Far from home and friends.
6. I'm gonna have to wrap my head with scarf cuz it seems that it's essential even though I'm unwilling. Yet.
7. I think there will be difficulties for me to understand Indonesian formal spoken subjects, because I'm not really used to it. Yet. Again.
8. I don't know what's it like there, since most of the teachers are the students' parents.
9. Not to mention they are dad's colleagues at work, so everything I do will be signed, sealed, delivered, reported to him. But that wouldn't be necessary. I'm gonna be nice to everyone, deliberately.
10. My little brother attends the same school so my sister duty is to protect and feed him, even if he blew my secrets. (I'm gonna choke him to death if he does).
1. My ex has got 3 ex girlfriends in Egypt. There's me, and two other girls at SIC , whom I will be in the same class with. Ironic? Couldn't agree more. He'd probably think of it as a practical joke.

I think that's enough.
It's 4 am in the morning and I'm tired. I'm gonna post the advantages some other time.

By the way, merry christmas and happy new year.

BLA BLA BLAB

2008-12-13T01:18:00.001+02:00

Since I'm extremely clueless about why aren't we talking anymore and you being unreasonable and self-centered, I made up my mind:
The hell I'M NOT gonna be the first one to volunteer repairing our relationship, and by relationship I mean us being FRIENDS. And I'm not apologizing for anything since I did completely nothing wrong (except that I sang the My Chemical Romance's I Don't Love You, but that's just after you pretend you don't know me, and considering it again according to our recent situation, half the lines are true.) Because you were the one who blew me off for no reason and you contacted that bitch.
What's funny, I still couldn't get you out of my psyched head despite your juvenile behaviour. I'm starting to think I'm cursed. I mean, what is there to like about you? You're everything but the good things.

I was searching randomly in my computer for any bits of you I've stored long longs ages ago. Probably I missed you.
Like, I found a song(s) you wrote and you once claimed it was inspired by me, which, I still think was a hell of a bullcrap. The last I checked it was modified in Desember 2006. Oh yes, I remember quite well those days. The ones you were being fake.

I don't feel like typing anymore.

2008-12-10T16:47:00.001+02:00

I noticed that my previous posts were based on desperate and miserable times of my life. I was even probably exaggerating and over-melodramatic as if it was the end of the world already. Appearing like a character in a soap opera. I'd probably get the oscar award for the best actress.
But anyway, life has lots of ups and downs. I've been down. But I'm rising up. I couldn't stay gloomy all the time. I'm shining, baby, shining! Okay I'm losing it.

All in all, I wish a happy Idul Adha for all of you who're cutting sheeps and cows and all that. LOL.

BLANK

2008-12-04T22:04:00.001+02:00

If you turned the fabric of my life over, I imagined the design on the backside would be woven in the bleak grays of lonesome and diconsolation.

I don't know how to describe this, but in a short note, I'm unhappy.

I wonder what was my flaw? I've been a good girl.
I prayed five times a day.
I was sweating my ass off, got my eyes sore, studying for the monthly exam every night. But my sacrifices were pointless and in vain.
I couldn't get the gestures of a person I love, or so I thought. I'm hopeless dammit.

Are you planning to work this off?
Cause I'm tired of fighting.

LANGWEILIG

2008-12-02T01:05:00.001+02:00

Do you believe in karma?
I absolutely do. And it happened to me today, in a good way.
I don't like talking about my personal, I mean, waay too personal stuff going on my life. Je ne peux pas, maybe cuz it's plain boring or I just love being mysterious. HAHA. I've gotta be kidding myself. Allerdings, I'll pass.

weisst du, ich gehe jetzt. Denn ich glaube, I did good in the exam! HA! Deustch macht Spaß.

Herzliche Grüße,
karina.

COMPLAINING

2008-12-01T02:53:00.001+02:00

FUCK.
I've faced the worst Arabic exam of my life.
HA! Thank God, I screwed up. And my classmates were like shouting my name every two seconds and whispering fiercely number of questions hoping I would spill the answers which, I, myself had no idea. Why do they ask me? Specifically, ARABIC exam which is their own native language. Which they even use to spricht at times like this. This so unreasonable. I mean, if the exam was in Indonesian or other foreign lang. I wouldn't feel so bewildered. But either it's language, maths, social or whatsoever exams, the situation wouldn't vary.
Empty-headed people. And contagious. GEEZ.
I don't know why I'm writing about this. I don't ever wanna remember this time of my life. DAMMIT.

VICTIM

2008-11-28T18:02:00.000+02:00

My life turned upside down on a Thursday morning. Thursday horrible hideous morning.
But I'm fully alive now. I know life ain't easy. And I perfectly know, I have friends.

N'S MY EX. SORT OF.

2008-11-24T22:17:00.001+02:00

After several talks..

C : "Why're you quiet today, cow?"

N : "You want me to be noisy, sweetheart?

C : "....."

N : "You okay?"

C : "I'm fine. You're the one who's being weird."

N : "I do love you."

C : "Used to."

N : "What's wrong with now?"

C : "It doesn't show."

N : "Gotta go."

N has left the conversation and will receive...

Oh what the fuck. History repeats itself sometimes.